


Scars

by AnneValkyria



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: All Human, F/M, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 07:11:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 74,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12360333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnneValkyria/pseuds/AnneValkyria
Summary: I turned back to him, a crooked smile on my lips "We all have scars, maybe I ll show you mine sometime"OOC





	1. Prologue

This fic need a serious overhaul but I haven’t been able to, it seems as if I have lost all words. I'm leaving it here anyway and hope you enjoy it

**First posted** June 2013

 

 **Disclaimer:** (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

 **Trigger warning:**  Brief mentions of troubling subjects such as child abuse, cutting and suicide. 

 

“It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wound remains. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.”

-Rose Kennedy

 

Chapter song: Red – Hymn for the missing

 

Prologue

 

It was a sunny day, which was right on the opposite side of my state of mind.

The air smelled of last night’s rain, and every time the breeze rustled the leaves above my head a shower of raindrops splashed me in the face. It was a quiet morning, only the birds singing and the crunching of gravel underneath my converse disturbed the peace

I sat down across from Jon in the shadow of the old oak tree and took a deep breath. “Hi, Jon,” my voice quivered. “It´s been a long time, I know. But so much has happened lately.”

I straightened my back and put my hands up in front of me as to keep him from interrupting me with an angry retort.

“Yeah. I know that´s not an excuse. But I have news.” I cleared my throat before continuing. “We're moving. I´ve known for three weeks now, but didn´t know how to tell you.”

I paused, more to collect my thoughts than to wait for a response, because I knew he wouldn’t give me one.

The lump in my throat made it difficult to continue. “Mother have decided that homeschooling no longer is an option, that I need the full 'High school experience'.” I made sarcastic air quotes. “You know how she gets, as soon as she sets her mind to something there is no turning back.” 

Tears filled my eyes, I blinked frantically, desperately trying to keep them from falling.

The rickety, old bench to creaked ominously every time I nervously shifted my weight. “We're moving to a small town on the other side of the fucking country.” It was becoming harder to breathe as I fought to find the right words. “Can you see me in a small town? Mother thinks it will be good for us.” My breathing hitched and I pressed my lips together to keep from blurting out what I thought about that. “I´m not sure how father feels, he doesn’t say much. But I know they think we have to get away from the memories.”

A tear trickled down my pale cheek, followed by another and soon I was crying. I dried my face in the crook of my hoodie-clad elbow, but they kept coming.

“I haven't touched a razor in six months. My therapist keeps talking about the progress I'm making.”

I slumped down and buried my face in the palm of my hand. “I stopped going to group. I guess… I-I just don't deal well with people anymore.”

I could hear his laughter and almost caught myself smiling at the joke. I had been the most popular girl at school, the center of every gathering. The classic Queen B, with the personality to go with it. I’d had a large group of _followers_ , and everybody had wanted to either _be_ me, or be _with_ me. Conceited, vapid and thinking myself better than everybody else was just the tip of the iceberg.

“Mother finally agreed to let me get the tattoos. I did the last one yesterday. Three in one week... I think the guy at the shop was impressed, considering my size and all….” I became lost in thought for a moment and shook my head to clear my mind.

Wrapping my arms around my torso I rocked back and forward, wishing they were _his_ arms me more than anything.

“He called me Little Red the whole time, like I haven't heard that one before.

My lips spread in a tiny smile and I rolled my eyes.

Despite my popularity, or maybe because of it, kids at school used to come up with nicknames for me. The most common had been Red riding hood, Pippi Longstocking and Strawberry Shortcake, said with more or less affection. Jon had been the only one to call me Candy Cane, because of my red hair and practically white skin. My smile fell. I hadn’t heard that nickname in a long time.

“Do you want to see them?” Without waiting for an answer I shrugged out of my hoodie and stood before him in only a pair of distressed skinny jeans and a green tank top, the color of my eyes.

First, I showed him the intricate tribal that covered my upper arm and proceeded to lift my top to give him a good look at the crying angel than covered the left side of my ribcage. “That one hurt like hell,” I told him, tracing my fingers lightly over the uneven skin. “And this is the last one,” I slipped off the wide leather cuff that covered my wrist and showed him; there in black ink his name would mark me forever.

An uncomfortable silence stretched between us and I looked down at my hands and realized I barely recognized them. My once perfectly manicured nails were chewed down practically to the bone and the skin around them was red and chapped. I clenched my fists and shoved them into the front pocket of my hoodie. A hiss escaped from the sting of nails biting into the heel of my palms, and I relished in the pain. It wasn’t anything I didn’t deserve. As a matter of fact, I deserved much worse.

“God, Jon…I'm just so, so _sorry_.” I whimpered.

Sobs I had been fighting to hold back wracked my body.

Later, I would be strong, I promised myself. When I walked through the door in the new house, in my new town, I would make sure that no one could see how broken I was. I would smile, laugh and make friends. I would go on dates or dances, and all the other things that had been so important to me at one time, things that my parents had decided should be important, still.

But right now, in front of the only person who ever mattered, I would let all the guilt and agony through.

One last time.

The honking of a car horn scared the birds and the sound of flapping wings echoed around me.

It was time. But I wasn’t ready.

I'd probably never be.

“I have to go.” I got to my feet and wiped the wetness from my cheeks in a futile attempt to hide my tears. I hated that I had to leave. I hated my parents for making me move and I hated them for forcing me inside of a car for the first time in almost two years, even for the short ride to the airport. I hated them for everything. But most of all I hated myself.

“I _miss_ you _,_ Jon. _All the time_. I´ll come back to see you as soon as I can. I promise. I love you.”

Turning my back at him I walked to the car, without so much as a glance in his direction.

When the gates closed behind me I couldn’t help but steal one last look at the sign. It read: _Milford Cemetery_.

 

**Thank you for reading**

 

 


	2. 1

**The lyrics below is a somewhat (read probably not at all) accurate translation of a Swedish song**

**'Disclaimer:** (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

  
Chapter one

 

”Within the core of each of us is the child we once were. The child constitutes the foundation of what we have become, who we are, and what we will be.” - Neuroscientist Dr. R. Joseph

 

It took me two weeks to unpack. Not because I had a lot of stuff, which I did, but I just didn’t care. I didn’t leave the house at all during that time, not ready to make _new friends_ , yet.

The only time I left my room was to go down to the basement, where father hung my punching bag. Truth be told, I spent most of my time down there.

But on the fourteenth day I decided it was time to fulfill my promise to my parents.

They wanted me to return to _'the old me'_ for my senior year and in exchange they would pay for any college, anywhere I wanted to go. Just the idea of college made my mind reel. Just two years ago I wouldn’t have gotten into a college, whether I wanted to or not.

The fact that _'the old me'_ didn't exist anymore, didn't matter. The fact that _'the old me'_ was a narcissistic bitch, who didn't care whose life she ruined didn't matter. A promise was a promise.

I took a long, hot shower, rinsed and repeated several times before I was satisfied.

I blow-dried my naturally curly hair until it was dry enough for the flatiron. I used to hate the curls and the flaming red color of it, but refused to dye it.

I plucked my eyebrows, shaping them into perfect arches and waxed my legs - my parents’ wouldn't let me near a razor still- and looked through the closet, trying to decide what to wear.

I ended up choosing a short, black denim skirt, a black, laced halter-top and black flats. Even though I was short, only 5 feet, I'd always hated wearing high heels, if they didn't serve a purpose, like driving the boys crazy.

After applying my makeup -foundation to cover up the most of my freckles, mascara, eyeliner, eye shadow for that smoky-eye look and lip-gloss - I was ready to meet the town.

I never had any problem making friends, and didn't think that would start now. That was, after all, what my parents wanted; for me to be a part of the _'in-crowd'_ again. After all I’d done to them I would do anything they asked of me.

If they wanted me to be like I used to; popular, part of the desirable _A-team_ , member of all the _cool_ clubs and all that shallow crap, then I would.

Jon always used to say _, Fake it ´til you make it_. Of course then he was referring to my barely above C. Average, but it seemed fitting now as well.

With my social calendar I never had the time to focus on school or grades, not that my parents ever expected me to. I wasn’t stupid or anything, pretty far from it actually, but I'm not so sure they realized that. Jon was the one with the brain in our family, or rather, he used to be. I was just his beautiful, air-head little sister. Although though they never used those exact words it was implied in everything they did or said.

I checked myself in the full-length mirror one more time, put on the bracelet that covered my scars and a pair of sunglasses and left the house.

I could see three kids who looked to be my age get out of a car and walk over to the house next to mine.

No, they wouldn’t do. I needed a bigger audience for my first performance.

 

@--{--{--

 

My foster siblings and I just arrived at our friend Simon’s house when we saw _her_.

The mystery girl who moved in next door, two weeks ago. If I had to be honest I thought she was just a part of Si’s imagination, like when he claimed he saw Bigfoot when we were twelve. Turns out, not only was this girl real, but she was _gorgeous._

She wasn’t tall, probably only just over five feet, but she had a smokin’ body and amazing hair, the color of autumn leaves. I absently wondered if her eyes would be green behind her shades.

Without as much as a glance our way she left her yard and walked down the street in the other direction. The sway of her slender hips made my mouth water.

“Jace,” Izzy's voice interrupted my somewhat unsavory thought. “Could you stop drooling over that poor girl? She´s new here, don’t you break her heart and mess her up the second she moves here.”

I rolled my eyes at that and turned to face her, the mystery girl had already disappeared out of sight.

“When have I ever done that?” I asked with an arrogant grin. Well, there was that _one time_ , but any chance I had at that always disappeared when the learned about who or what I was.

“Yeah, it’s not like the girls in this town lets him get close long enough for _that_ to happen,” Alec contributed to our conversation.

Yes, he was right about that. Not to sound cocky or anything – well maybe just a little – but I knew that I looked good. So did my foster siblings. Isabelle and Alec Lightwood, who were actual siblings fortunate enough to get sent to the same home when they lost their parents. They had the same raven black hair, but where Alec’s eyes were a bright blue Izzy’s looked almost black.

I never had any problems getting girls, and Alec and Izzy could hold their own in the guy department.

But the kids in this town avoided us like the plague, at least in public. We were foster kids, and here that was something shameful, to everyone. Except Simon, of course.

I glanced down the street one last time, shrugged to myself and walked into the garage where we spent most of our free time. Izzy called it our “Club House”, but I had a number of unprintable names for it. 

But the truth was that I liked it here, yes the couch had seen better days and you could feel the springs sticking into your ass in all of the four miss-matched armchairs, but it was cool when the heat outside became unbearable and we could fit all of our instruments here.

Yeah, we were a total cliché being in a garage band and all, but we didn’t have any unrealistic dreams about fame or fortune. 

Mostly because, well, we sucked. _Bad_.

We were sort of okay, when we played on our own. Alec owned the drums, Izzy kicked ass on the keyboard, Simon rocked the bass and I wasn’t half bad on guitar and vocals.

But put us together… We _really_ sucked.

My phone buzzed-

 

**{C u 2nite? A}**

 

I smiled to myself but didn’t answer the text. Aline was in the mood again. The girls here may not want to be seen _with_ me, but they didn’t have a problem being seen _by_ me. I suppose his made my life a lot easier. No clingy girls to worry about. 

My phone buzzed again

 

**{L8r? K}**

 

My smiled widened.

“I see that you're popular today,” Simon walked into the garage and kissed Izzy on the cheek.

“Yeah. It´s an unfair life. So many girls, so little time,” I chuckled.

“You're disgusting,” Izzy whined.

“Yup,” popping the p, “and there isn't a guy in this whole town that doesn't envy me.”

“I don´t,” Alec said.

“But that´s different,” I said and punched him playfully on his shoulder. “You're jealous of _them_.”

“Sure,” he rolled his eyes at me. “I lay awake every night thinking of you.”

“Exactly,” I said with a who-wouldn’t tone in my voice. “You want to get all up on _this_ ,” I gestured to my tanned, toned body. “But remember, brother dearest, incest is a crime.”

Alec may not be related to me by blood, but we were as close as brothers. I joked round with him a lot, but I had the utter most respect for him. It was to me he first came clean about his sexuality and any fear he might had over my reaction soon vaporized. I loved the guy, why would I care if he fantasized about Jamie Campbell Bower instead of Lily Collins.

“Ahem,” Simon cleared his throat. “Do you guys want to be alone, or are we playing?”

Simon was our only friend in this shitty place, but he was the best friend anyone could have. I took in his disheveled appearance. His brown hair sprouted in every direction as usual, his too big glasses kept sliding down to the tip of his nose, showing off his big, brown eyes. He wore ripped, baggy jeans and a t-shirt with ‘Gamers don't fear the apocalypse. We've survived it many times before.’ printed on the front. He might be a geek and I might always mock him, but he was _our_ geek, and Izzy’s boyfriend of six months.

 “We’ll play,” Alec answered with a smile.

I picked up my guitar, strummed the strings and waited for them to take their places.

“Ready?” Alec asked and counted down by smacking the drumsticks together, “one, two, three, four…

 

_Do you know, my dear,_

_What to become when you grow up_

_A doctor like daddy, or a lawyer like your bro´_

_Think about it_

_Mommy and daddy are counting on you_

_Think about it_

_Before you decide what to do_

_Does your mommy know you're drinking?_

_Does daddy know about the beers?_

_If they know, my dear_

_They´ll lock you up for good_

_Do you, my dear_

_Believe that drinking will find you love_

_Be careful, my dear_

_Love tends to cost too much_

_Does your mommy know you're drinking?_

_Does daddy know you swiped your V-card?_

_If they know, my dear_

_They´ll lock you up for good_

_You're saying, my dear_

_That you know what you want_

_You're lying, my dear_

_Coz nothing is what it seems_

_Just smile_

_And everything will be just fine_

_Just smile_

_Or CPS will find you now_

_Does your mommy know you're drinking?_

_Does daddy know you swiped your V-card?_

_They´ll lock you up for good x3”_

I removed the shoulder strap on the last note and dropped down on the closest armchair.

“I don't get where you come up with these lyrics, Jace,” Izzy said from the couch where she sat snuggled up in Simon's lap. “No wonder we suck.”

“Hey,” I protested. “That´s all on you guys. Everything I do is amazing.”

An argument of who sucks the most erupted and I let my mind drift away to more pleasant things, like my options for the night. Which girl should I choose to keep me company? Or should I choose neither of them? The cute little redhead from earlier sneaked back into my thoughts.

Yeah, it was better to keep my options open; you never knew what could happen.

 

@--{--{--

 

I was in luck, this place had only two diners and I had decided that would be the best place to start.

It wasn’t like there was much else to do at 2 pm in the middle of the week. Not with school still out for the summer, anyway.

I contemplated which place to try first.

There was a little place called Taki’s to the left of the movie theater, which to my surprise actually showed the current movies, I thought that would take weeks to happen.

The second one, a place called Java´s was located next to the only clothing store. 

Taki´s looked almost deserted, one of the windows were boarded up and the neon lights in the sign appeared to be broken. But through the open door I could see the cozy wooden booths nestled up against each other, each one lined with brightly colored cushions. Endearingly mismatched cookery lined the counter.

It looked like a perfect place to hang out with a few good friends. I would love to just relax there, but sadly it did not resemble what I was looking for. _The old me_ wouldn't be caught dead in a place like that.

That left Java’s as my only option.

It reminded me of a smaller Starbucks, which used to be my hangout back home, before…everything happened.

I smoothed my already perfect hair, took a deep breath and opened the door. _Here goes nothing._

The sound of the bell on top of the door made most of the diners turn their heads towards me when I entered.

 _Good, let them see me,_ I thought to myself.

I let my eyes travel across the room, taking the whole place in. The tables with the black-and-white checkered tablecloths, the narrow booths, the nice looking but uncomfortable chairs, the chromed lamps in the ceiling and of course the people.

 _There_. In the right corner I could see a group of kids my age sitting at two tables that had been pushed together and a few feet away there was an empty booth. 

_Perfect._

I walked up to the counter and tried to decide what to order. I was hungry and wanted a greasy burger and fries more than anything, but that wouldn't fit the image I was trying to establish. 

After checking out the salads menu, _like I was a freaking rabbit_ , I settled for a Caesar salad, with dressing on the side, _of course_ , and a diet Pepsi.

I took a seat at the booth and tried to get comfortable while I waited for my meal. The reaction was immediate.

The hushed whispers next to me almost made me laugh. The sound of scraping chairs alerted me of the approaching teens. And sure enough, within the blink of an eye I could see five of them standing beside me.

A Asian girl with shoulder length black hair sat down in front of me. _The leader_ , I noted full of contempt.

“Are you the new girl?” she asked me

_Wow. Aren’t you a genius?_

“The one who moved in next to that rat-looking kid?” a boy asked.

 _The cool kids are the same everywhere,_ I thought before answering. “I don't know about any rats, but yes, I´m new here.” 

“We thought so,” _the leader_ said. “We don't see many new faces around here.”

_You don´t say._

“I guess not,” I tossed my head over my shoulder nonchalantly.

“What do you like to do for _entertainment_?” a girl with bleach blonde hair and too much make up asked me.

 _Do they even have entertainment here?_ I didn’t say it out loud, not wanting to ruin my chances of being popular by down talking their hometown.

“What do you got?” I cocked my head and raised an eyebrow, a small smile playing at the corner of my mouth. _Please don't be drugs. Nothing is worth that._

“There is an all-ages club, just outside of town. We're all going tonight, as a matter of fact,” the leader said. “You could tag along if you like.”

_This is too easy._

“Yeah?” I said, fake intrigued.  _All ages? Ever heard of fake IDs?_ “That would be so great,” I sounded like the biggest air-head in the world to my own ears, but they didn’t seemed to notice.

“We know where you live,” the boy said. “We could pick you up, say eight-ish?”

_That equals car. No thank you._

“Or you could give me directions so I could meet you there. The ‘rents’ are forcing me to unpack today.” I knew I should've done it when we first moved in, but I had to get my head straight first.

“You haven’t done that yet?” the bleached one asked me incredulously.

I shrugged and plastered a fake smile to my face. “What can I say, I've just been busy.”

The gang laughed at that.

My order finally arrived and _the leader_ asked the waitress for a pen and paper which she brought back at once.

“Here you go _,” the leader_ said after writing down the directions. It looked simple enough. “I’m Aline by the way, and these guys are Kaelie, Jordan, Emma and Toby,” I nodded at them one after the other as she gave me their names.

“I´m Clary,” I said, still fake smiling.

“Great to meet you, Clary,” Aline said and got up. “We´ll see you tonight.”

 _Easy as pie_ , I thought, suddenly wishing that I ordered pie instead of this boring tasteless crap, I picked disgusted at my salad.

I had gotten what I wanted, or what my parents wanted. But the knot in my stomach the size of a football wouldn't go away.

@--{--{--

 

“Izzy, come _on_! Hurry up or we'll leave without you!” I yelled from the bottom of the stairs. What was it about girls that made them take _forever_ to get ready?

“I want to look beautiful for Si,” she shouted back to me from the open door to her bedroom.

“There isn't enough time in the world for that,” I mumbled under my breath.

“I heard that,” I laughed at her obvious lie, but she knew that I always had to have the last word.

I walked over to the kitchen and grabbed a beer. The Parkers, our foster parents, did not condone underage drinking but preferred that we drank at home instead of out on the town.

They were great like that, naïve maybe, but great.

I put the bottle to my lips, tilted it slightly and felt the cool liquid slid down my throat.

“Ah,” I sighed with relief. That was just what I needed.

The sound of clicking heels down the stairs made me chug the rest of the beer and put it down on the countertop. 

“Finally. Alec, we're leaving,” I shouted and went out to the car.

 

We arrived at Simons with almost two hours to spare before we were going to Pandemonium. This was the plan, giving us time to hang out and drink a beer or two. Not enough to be seriously drunk though, I liked to be in control all the time.

“So, who are you going home with tonight?” Alec asked before taking a sip of his coke. “Aline, Kaelie or one of the others?”

“I don’t know,” I answered while absentmindedly picking on the label of the beer bottle in my hand. “I’ll just have to wait and see who comes up with the best offer.”

“That's awful, Jace,” Izzy complained. “You know they're just using you, right?”

“You say it like it´s a bad thing,” I grinned. “It´s what I like to call a win-win situation.”

“How is that?” Simon looked at me with mild interest.

“I get what I want, practically _when_ I want, without any complications.” I told him in a duh-voice. 

“Don’t you want a _real_ relationship?” Izzy wondered aloud.

“Nah. I´m good, thanks.” I took a sip of the beer.

“Alec, want a beer?” Simon asked.

“Not tonight,” he shrugged. “Someone has to drive.”

“I could drive,” Simon offered.

“NO!” We all shouted as one.

“Hey,” he sounded offended. “Why not?”

“The last time you got behind the wheel Church was turned into a cat-shaped pancake.”

“That was _one_ time,” he exclaimed. “How was I supposed to know that the stupid cat was behind the car anyway?”

“You could've checked your rear-view mirror, like everybody else,” I suggested.

“I _did_!” he raised his voice. “I swear the cat was suicidal anyway…”

I couldn't help but flinch at his words. They all noticed.

“Shit. Sorry, Jace,” Simon apologized quickly. “I didn't…”

“It´s okay, Si,” my smile, though a bit forced, was genuine. “I know you didn't mean anything.”

Izzy, always the self-proclaimed peacemaker, changed the subject.

“Should we get there early so we can have a table or arrive fashionably late?”

“Don´t you have to get noticed to be _fashionable late_?” Alec asked.

He was right, with the exceptions of my occasional booty calls, my siblings and I was ignored by others our age. Nobody, not even the so called outsiders – not counting Simon, of course – wanted to be seen even talking to us. 

All because we were foster kids. It may not make you popular wherever you live, but here it was seen differently. We weren't even bullied, to them, we just didn’t exist...

 

@--{--{--

 

I arrived at the club around nine thirty. I was late for two reasons. The first being that I wanted to make sure that my entrance wouldn't go unnoticed. The second reason was unintentional; who would've thought that it would take me so long to get here. The town was so small that I could practically throw a rock from one side to the other. _Just outside of town_ shouldn't take long to walk to.

The sign was large and made entirely out of wood with the name Pandemonium scribbled over it. Not very promising, to say the least.

I walked up to the door and nodded to the bouncer. Inside the door I paused and was surprised to see that the place was larger than I thought. But small enough for people to notice me, the way I planned it.

Almost every head in the club turned towards me as I stood there, pretending to look for the pack. Which was a total riot since I saw them in the corner of my eye the second I stepped my foot in here.

I wore a pair of black, fashionable ripped, skinny jeans and a black tank top that showed off my cleavage and my ever present bracelet. I was grateful that I´d finally filled out this last year.

I put a fake smile to my face when I saw Aline and her cohorts walking up to me.

“Clary!” she shrieked and gave me a big hug.

_Oh, so we're huggers now?_

“Hi guys,” I said, my face started to hurt from all the smiling.

“I´m so glad you came. I want you to meet the rest of our friends.”

I was introduced to seven or eight people and forgot their names at once. The only person who seemed interesting were a tall, gangly guy with black spiky hair, black eyeliner around his almost catlike eyes and what looked like glittery body lotion.

“Hey there, Clary,” He gave me a once over in a very non-sexual way. “I´m Magnus. I like the ink,” he gestured to my arm.

“I like your… everything!” I said and smiled my first genuine smile in a long while.

I left to find something to drink and Magnus followed me.

“So what's good here?” I asked, eyeing the drinks listed behind the bar.

“Absolutely nothing. Oh, you meant the drinks.” He snickered. “Everything tastes the same everywhere, I guess.”

I laughed at him, feeling a little better already. I waved at the bartender and ordered a Gin ‘n tonic, Not at all surprised that I didn't get carded.

I sipped my drink when something in my periphery caught my eye.

There, in the far left corner, a bunch of guys from Aline’s pack looked to be harassing a kid with glasses. I thought I recognized him as my neighbor, I´d seen him through my window a couple of times.

I watched the seemingly friendly punches to his shoulder and the pretended innocent shoves, but I knew exactly what it was. I had done it myself more times than I liked to admit.

I strode over there as casually as I could, not wanting their attention to focus on me. When I saw a boy, I thought his name was Kyle, supposedly by accident knock off the kid’s glasses I had to fight back the urge to intervene.

The guys soon got bored and walked away. I counted slowly to ten before going over to the boy. I picked up his glasses and helped him to his feet.

“Are you okay?” I asked, handed him the glasses while checking him for any sign of injury.

“Yeah, thanks” he looked at his shoes in an all-too-familiar way. That´s how the not-so-popular kids used to act around me.

_God. I hate this crap. Stupid parents. Stupid promise._

“Don't let them mess with you, all right,” I said before returning to the bar.

Both Magnus and the drink were still where I left them.

“You didn't let anyone roofy this, did you?” I asked, only half joking.

He didn’t answer, just stared at me with a speculative look in his eyes.

“I’ve got a secret,” he said in a sing-song voice.

“Yeah? That you're gay?” I didn’t say it like an insult, more like stating the facts.

“Oh, no. _Everybody_ knows _that_.”

“So what is it then? The suspense is killing me,” I leaned against the bar with a look of utter boredom on my face.

“You're _nothing_ like Aline and her sheeps. You, my darling, are _nice_.” The way he said the last word made it sound like both a compliment and an insult.

_Ah, hell._

**Thank you for reading**

 


	3. 2

**Jace sings _Life's gonna suck_ by _Denis Leary_**

**The book Clary reads was my favorite book when I wrote this. _Lover at Last_ by _J.R Ward._**

**'Disclaimer:** (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

****

 

_"You don't pay a prostitute for sex; you pay her to leave afterwards"_ – Dashiell Hammett.

 

Chapter 2

 

I woke up by the morning sun shining in my eye. I was momentarily confused, since my room faced west.

A low moan coming from beside and an arm trailing over my chest made me realize that I wasn’t alone. I turned around and looked at Kaelie’s sleeping body.

_Oh, right._

I hadn’t planned for this to happen, hell, I’d done my best to avoid it. I tried my best to get closer to the new girl, Clary they called her, but she was surrounded by Circle-jerks the whole night.

I had to give up when she started dancing with Jordan. He had his filthy arms around her and held her possessively close, one song after another. I didn’t have the energy to fight over a girl, I’d never done it before and sure as hell wouldn’t start now. Aline, Kaelie and one or two of their friends had approached me discretely during the course of the evening. I wasn’t really interested in any of them, but something about the whole Clary-Jordan thing annoyed the hell out of me, so when it was time to leave I walked up to the closest one. Which apparently was Kaelie.

Classy _._ I know.

Don’t give me wrong, she’s hot, in a too obvious kind of way, and she´s got all the right assets. It’s just not the same anymore, or maybe I’m not.

I slid out from under her arm and climbed out of bed as quietly as I could, grabbed my discarded clothes that lay on the floor and left the room. I got dressed in the hallway, knowing that I wouldn’t run into anybody.

The best thing about Kaelie wasn't her breasts, her mouth or any other part of her anatomy. It was that she lived in a one-bedroom apartment above her parent’s garage.

It made detection less probable.

 

I was in no mood to go home and listen to Izzy’s judgment about how I was ruining my life by hooking up with girls that was ashamed to be seen with me. I knew what it really was all about. Before she and Simon realized that they had feelings for each other she dated Seb. Secretly, of course.

She hadn’t known that he was telling the whole school about every intimate detail of their relationship. Most of it was lies, obviously, but she was still hurt by it and now she was afraid that the same thing would happen to me.

What she couldn’t understand was; _I didn’t care_! Aline, Kaelie, Emma and the rest of them was all the same to me. I didn’t feel anything more than a fleeting sexual attraction towards them. They had something I needed or wanted at the time, nothing more.

I walked, without a conscious thought to where I was headed, and ended up at _my_ _secret place_. Well, it wasn’t mine exactly, but this was the place that I went to whenever I needed to be alone.

It was a small clearing, maybe ten minutes away from Simon’s house. The water in the small pond sparkled in the sunlight.

All the years I’d been coming here I’d never met anyone.

I strip down to my boxers and walk into the water, the chill making my skin tingle. I lay on my back, floating around in the water and thought about Clary. According to Simon, her full name was Clarissa Morgenstern. It didn’t seem to fit her; it was too big a name for such a small girl.

I knew now that her eyes were a bright, emerald green. I got close enough to see that much last night.

The fact that she hadn’t even noticed me at all put a serious damper to my self-esteem. Who knew that the girl who didn’t fall all over the great Jace Herondale even existed?

 

()()()()()()()()

 

Two weeks went by and I spent most of my time with “ _The Inner Circle_ ”. _Iceyes_ for short. And, yes, they actually had a name for themselves.

The day after Pandemonium I got a call from Aline saying that they _voted_ and wanted me to _join_ them.

_Can you say cult?_ I'm pretty sure I wasn't far off with that.

We did _all sorts of stuff_ , at least that's what Emma called it. Went shopping in the only clothing store – _slim pickings, let me tell you_ – hung out at Java’s and partied at Pandemonium.

_Yup, very fulfilling_.

At least I´d gotten through to Jordan about my very-non-interest. It took a while, but he got the picture. He was currently dating Maia, another on the Ass-team – as I liked to call them – and they seemed very happy together _. Yawn_.

I sat in front of them, Aline, Kaelie and Toby sipping on my Mocha-Frappe-something-or-other while only half listening to their plans for the night. They wanted to throw a party, like every Friday, but none of the parents were away. The only person who kept my sane, Magnus, were gone for the weekend.

I felt like I would go crazy if I stayed here one more minute. I surged to my feet.

“Sorry, I can't tonight,” fake apologetic smile. “I have a date,” I said, desperate to get away from them.

“Oh, really?” Aline looked like a mix between intrigued and tense. “Anyone I know?”

“No,” I answered, fighting to keep the resentment from my voice. “Quinn and Blay are not from around here.”

“ _Two guys_?” Toby sounded annoyed for some reason

“Yup,” I smacked my lips with a pop. The fact that I was talking about two fictional characters from my favorite book just didn’t seem important. “One isn’t always enough.” I smiled, but it was strained. The truth was I had gone on dates with two guys before. They just never knew about it. I was careful to have tables on different sides of the restaurant. _No wonder_ my old friends never believed me when I claimed to still be a virgin.

“Okay, then,” Aline looked more relaxed now. “Send them my way if you get bored with them.”

_Like you know how to read? Pfft._

“Will do, sweetie. Laters,” I forced myself to walk out in a slow even pace.

 

I ran up to my room when I got home, changed into a bikini top and a pair of cut offs and put the book and my sketchpad in my over-sized messenger bag.

I stopped by the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and an apple and found my dad there. I gave him a small peck on his cheek, told him I had a date and walked out the door.

To most parents that would have been cause for questions. What kind of date I was going on, would probably be the first one. But I knew mine wouldn’t notice. They didn’t really see me since Jon’s death. Unless they got some crappy advice from a magazine or a TV-show that told them about _raising_ _teenagers._

A few days ago I found a narrow path leading into the woods, not even ten minutes from

where I live. That’s where I was headed. I had no idea where it would lead me, but

would soon find out.

The sight that met me in the small clearing took my breath away.

It was shaped as almost a perfect circle with the surrounding trees offering shade on hot summer days. The green grass looked so soft and fresh, the large pond glistened in the sunlight. I sat down underneath one of the trees and enjoyed the silence for a while. When I brought out my book and started to read the story captured my attention and everything around me seemed to disappear.

 

_“I think that’s Justin Bieber.”_

_Standing in front of a lineup of Lay’s potato chips, Quinn looked overhead to the speaker inset into the ceiling tiles. “Yup, I'm right, and I hate that I know that.”_

_Next to him Johan Matthew signed, ‘_ How do you know?’

_“The little shit is everywhere.” To prove a point, he mentioned to a greeting card display featuring ‘Short, Cocky, and Fifteen-Minutes-Are-Up. “I swear, that kid is proof the Antichrist is coming.”_

‘Maybe it's already here?’

_“Would explain Miley Cyrus.”_

‘Good point.’

 

The sound of splashing water took me back to the clearing.

A boy, no a golden god, stood waist deep in the pond. His eyes were closed. Water dripped from his golden blonde hair, leaving trails down his well-built torso, making it shine under the sun.

He hadn’t noticed me, so I took my time admiring him. My right hand itched with the urge to draw him, something I hadn’t experienced in a while.

Why hadn’t I noticed him before?

He turned away from me and I couldn’t stifle the gasp wanting to escape my lips. His whole back was covered with thick, long scars.

I had no time to ponder who could’ve done something so horrifying to this beautiful boy, all of a sudden a pair of golden eyes met mine. He looked shocked at first, most likely expecting to be alone in this secluded area, but it was replaced with a condescending grin.

“Hey there, Lucy,” his eyes took me in, missing nothing. “I didn’t know that any of the Circle-jerks knew how to read, let alone _owned_ a book,” he said with a smirk, nodding to the open book in my lap.

_Lucy? What's that? His version of babe?_ I ignored him and tried to refocus on the story.

_Left to his own devices, Quinn closed his eyes and threw a prayer to anyone who might hear the thing. And then he pictured Blay’s face-._

 

My mind and eyes kept returning to the boy. I gave up with a huff, jumped to my feet and started to leave.

I turned back to him, a crooked smile on my lips, “We all have scars, maybe I´ll show you mine sometime,” before walking away from the clearing.

 

()()()()()()()()

 

My heart beat so fast in my chest, like I just ended a five mile run.

The first chance I got to talk to her and what comes out of my mouth; an insult. Way to go Herondale.

I’d frozen when I heard her gasp. Of all the people I ever expected to run into here, her name wasn't even on the list.

The look on her face when she saw my scars made me cringe on the inside. It wasn´t the first time anyone had seen them, of course. But even with Aline and the others it took me almost a year to remove my shirt in front of them.

I felt almost angry at her parting words. The ridiculous notion that her perfect, pale skin could be marred by scars was ridiculous.

Was she comparing the horrors that disfigured my body to some lame-ass emotional scars? That she didn’t get her favorite top at the last sale, for example? Well, _fuck_ her.

But… Something in her eyes when she looked back at me… It wasn’t pity… The word I was looking for eluded me, but I settled for _understanding._

I´d watched her this last few weeks, seen her with her new friends.

The way the guys seemed to follow her every move, made it obvious that they wanted her.

Who wouldn’t? Hell, _I_ wanted her. I even stopped hooking up with the other girls. What was it about this small redhead that made me like this? I hadn’t even talked to her before today.

I put my clothes on and pushed my wet her from my eyes. I needed to do something, _anything_ to get my mind off her.

 

I ended up in Simon’s garage, insanely grateful that no one else was here yet. I picked up my guitar and started tuning it, before playing a song that felt appropriate at the moment.

 

_Life’s gonna suck when you grow up,_

_When you grow up, when you grow up_

_Life´s gonna suck when you grow up,_

_It sucks pretty bad right now_

_Hey, if you know the words, sing along (spoken)_

_You’re gonna have to mow the lawn,_

_Do the dishes, make your bed_

_You´re gonna have to go to school_

_Until you're seventeen_

_It´s gonna seem about three times as long as that (spoken)_

_You might have to go to war,_

_Shoot a gun, kill a nun_

_You might have to go to war_

_When you get out of school_

_Hey cheer up kids, it gets a lot worse (spoken)_

_You´re gonna have to deal with stress_

_Deal with stress, deal with stress_

_You´re gonna be a giant mess_

_When you get back from the war_

_Santa Claus does not exist, and there is no Easter Bunny_

_You´ll find out when you grow up that Big Bird isn't funny._

_Life’s gonna suck when you grow up,_

_When you grow up, when you grow up_

_Life´s gonna suck when you grow up,_

_It sucks pretty bad right now_

_You´re gonna end up smoking crack,_

_On your back, face the fact_

_You´re gonna end up hooked on smack_

_And then you're gonna die_

_And then you're gonna die._

 

()()()()()()()()()()()()

 

I couldn’t keep my mind off the Golden Boy for the next couple of days.

Who was he? Even though those scars worried me, they weren’t what kept my mind occupied. It was the shape of his biceps, the way his skin looked taunt over his pecs and abs, his broad shoulders, the silky look of his golden blonde hair - that my fingers itched to touch, the look in his golden eyes when they met mine, the apparent softness of his lips, almost begging to be kissed.

The next Wednesday I finally caved and called Aline, desperate for any information on him.

“I saw this guy the other day,” I started, not sure what more to say. If he belonged to someone else – with looks like that, of course he did – I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself. “He was tall and blond… Do you know who he is?” I sounded like a moron.

“I think you mean one of the _fosters_ ,” what was it with this group and their ability to make a normal word sound like an insult.

“Who are they?” I tried to sound casual, but was really dying to know.

“They live behind the school,” she didn’t elaborate.

“Okay?” _God, she's slow._

“Yeah, the one you're talking about sounds like Jace Herondale. He's totally _delish_ , but not someone you'd be proud to have on your arm, if you know what I mean.”

_NO, you vapid whore! I don't know what you mean!_

“Not really”, I giggled. “Who wouldn’t want to get their hands on _that_?” Kaelie would sound smart next to me.

“They´re all foster kids,” she said, like that explained everything. “You should stay away from him, you know,” something else crept into Aline’s voice, hardening it.

I ended the call quickly after that and tried a few of the others. It was the same thing from all of them.

´Foster kids, Yuk. Nothing to be with. Stay away, blah blah blah. Something told me that they all had the same reason for warning me off him.

Well didn’t that just _suck._

**Thank you for reading**

 

 


	4. 3

**Another Level-Freak me** _The dance at pandemonium_

**Bo Burnham – My whole family thinks I'm gay** _Jace sings to Alec_

**Fall out boy - Young Volcanoes** _the song at the pre-party_

**'Disclaimer:** (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

Philosopher Kahlil Gibran wrote, _"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most_ _massive characters are seared with scars."_

Chapter 3

 

I sat at a table in Pandemonium, playing _anywhere but here_ with myself. This was the last place I wanted to be. Aline and her _band of bitches_ was starting to get on my nerves with their constant pestering. Ever since I stopped answering their texts and started decline their not so subtle advances, they´d been doing everything in their power to change my mind. It should have been hilarious, what guy wouldn´t like a bunch of girls fawning all over him? I just found it exhausting.

Take a hint, I wasn't interested anymore, why couldn't they see that?

It was _oldies night_ so the music was from the 90s. Not my favorite, but preferable from the usual trance crap.

I spotted Clary at the bar, for once not surrounded by the usual pack of hyenas. She wore the shortest dress I´d ever seen; to me it looked more like a shirt. If it was any shorter she would´ve been arrested for indecent exposure.

Before I knew it, I was on my way over there. I wanted to confront her about her lie. To dare her to show me the scars she claimed to have, but as soon as I stood beside her the only thing that came out of my mind was, “Screw me if I'm _right_ , but haven't we met before?” I asked it as a joke, as a way to break the ice. What was it with her that made me sound like an idiot every time I opened my mouth?

She rolled her eyes at me but didn't answer.

“Can I get you something to drink?” I tried again, slightly frustrated by her lack of response.

She shrugged her fingernail against the rim of her glass, “Sure, I'll take another one.”

I nodded at the bartender to get his attention, pointed at her glass and put up two fingers. The drink arrived almost immediately

“You don't even know what I'm drinking,” she said incredulously.

“Hey, I'm not picky,” I said and grinned at her.

“Yeah, so I've heard,” she snickered.

“So you've heard of me?” I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

“Yup,” popping the p. “Aline and the girls have told me _all_ about you.”

Well, _shit,_ “Oh, I didn't… I mean…” I had thought that none of my _friends_ knew about the other.

“Relax, Romeo,” she winked at me. “You're secret is safe. The only reason I know is because five girls warned me off you already.”

I leaned closer to her and put a stray wisp of hair behind her ear. “You don´t look like a girl that scare easily.”

She shrugged and took a sip of her drink. “I don't like complications.”

I whispered in her ear, “I´ll promise to be very easy,”

“Oh, I don't doubt _that_ ,” she chuckled.

She looked over my shoulder and a scowl formed on her beautiful face, “ _Oh, crap_.”

She jumped off the barstool and pulled me down with her. She wrapped her slim arms around my torso and buried her face against my chest.

My breath caught in my throat, her small body felt incredible against mine. “There´s nothing new that girls throw themselves at me, but there´s usually a little more conversation first,” I said huskily.

“I highly doubt that,” she murmured, her voice caused delicious vibration against my chest. “Just hide me ok.”

I pulled her closer against me and rested my chin on her head. My heartbeat was uneven, and I felt a shiver run through her body when I placed my hands on her lower back. I grinned at her, even though she couldn't see it. I wasn't the only one who were affected by this.

“Great, he's gone,” she let go of me and backed away.

I had no idea what she was talking about, I just wanted to keep holding her.

“We haven´t been properly introduced, “I extended my hand at her. “I´m Jace.”

“I'm leaving,” she turned and started to walk away, but I put my hand on her shoulder.

“Dance with me first,” she looked like she was going to object but nodded instead and followed me onto the already full dance floor.

She wrapped her arms around my neck, but still kept her distance. I wouldn't have that, I place my hands on her hips and pulled her close. Her tiny gasp made me smile. None of us moved at first, just stood there until the song ended and a new began. The lyrics seemed to describe everything I wanted to do to her and I could feel my body’s involuntary reaction. I moved my body against. Our body’s swayed with the music. She pushed her breast against me in an attempt to get even closer and grinded our hips together. I moved one of my hands from her hips, buried in her hair, letting it fall between my fingers. She arched her back and I placed my lips where her shoulder met her neck.

All of a sudden she wasn't in my arms anymore, I looked up and our eyes met. “I´m sorry, I can´t do this.” She was gone before I could say anything

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

The scent reached my nose the moment I stepped into Taki’s, making my mouth water. Burgers, fries, milkshakes in all kinds of flavors mixed together with countless other scents.

It should´ve been disgusting, but it only caused my stomach to growl.

I went here instead of Java’s to hide from the _Iceyes_ and to get some actual _food_ for a change.

I walked up to the counter. “A double cheeseburger, fries, a large strawberry shake,” I rattled off my order. “Oh, and do you have those small ketchup containers and ground up black pepper?”

The waitress just stared at me, making me lose my patience. “And top it off with a bowl of coffee flavored ice-cream with hot fudge sauce, whipped cream and hazelnuts.”

The waitress kept staring at me, I knew that I was small and that usually meant a small appetite, but I was _hungry_.

Okay, so maybe someone my size usually didn´t eat that much, but who said I was normal?

I almost sagged in relief when she called out my order to the cook.

“And a cup of coffee, black,” I said and added, “like my soul,” under my breath.

“I thought gingers didn´t have souls,” I heard a snicker behind me.

I sighed. Today was _not_ my day. I turned around and met the golden gaze of none other than Jace Herondale. My pulse quickened, I could still feel his lips against my neck, as if it happened just seconds ago rather than last night. “ _Nice_ to see you again,” I used the same tone of voice as Magnus did when he called me that. Maybe he was rubbing off on me.

“I´m nice to see,” he smirked, than nodded to the empty booth in front of him. “Join me?”

“Now why would I do that?” I cocked my head, trying not to show him how it affected me to just look at him.

He gestured around the crowded diner than raised an eyebrow. “You can always sit somewhere else… No wait, there _is_ nowhere else.”

His cocky grin made my knees weak, but I suppressed it and glared at him. “Fine,” I muttered and slid in across from him.

I almost cried with gratitude when my meal arrived, finally something to focus on besides Jace.

His eyes widened when he stared at the food in front of me.

“You expecting company?” he asked hesitantly.

“I´m hungry, okay. Shut up and eat your own food,” I huffed and nodded at his plate. “What is that?”

“Sweet potato fries,” he answered and put one in his mouth, chewing carefully.

_Yuck._

“So…” he drawled. “I didn't know that Aline let her circle-jerks let like that.”

I ignored him and took a large bite of my burger, but laughed on the inside. Circle-jerks, that's clever.

I tried to enjoy my meal in silence, but Jace continued with his snide remarks.

“You know, Lucy,” he said, “I'm surprised that Toby let you out of his sight. The way he looks at you reminds me of Izzy when she goes shopping,” I stared at him, not understanding the analogy. He shrugged, “You had to be there.”

“I have no idea what you're talking about.” I was getting annoyed. “And why do you call me Lucy?”

“You look like a Lucy, I guess,” more grinning.

“Whatever,” why couldn't his cocky attitude make him less attractive.

“It´s because of your name,” he admitted. “Morgenstern means Morningstar.”

“I´m well aware what my name means,” he was totally killing my foodbuzz.

“Well, Morningstar equals Lucifer, but Lucy seems more fitting with you being a girl and all.”

“I'm flattered that you noticed,” I muttered, seriously contemplating to lick the last of the ice-cream off the bowl.

“Plus, all circle-jerks are descendants from Satan,” he concluded.

“Are you always such an ass…muncher?”

“No Lucy, that would be my brother, Alec,” he chuckled.

“Stop calling me that,” if he wasn't _so_ wrong for me I would've leant over the table and kissed him, just to shut him up.

“I could call you something else if you like?” he winked at me and leant closer.

I almost thought he read my mind and felt myself blush.

_That´s ridiculous. I haven't blushed since I was eight._

“Please, don't,” I whispered, affected by how close he was.

He ignored me, “How about Red Hots or Pippi? No, I know,” he snapped his fingers, his beautiful eyes sparked with amusement. “Candy Cane.”

“ _NO_!” I shouted.

“Ah, you circle-jerks,” he shook his head in mock sadness. “Always get angry when you hear something about yourself that you don´t like.”

I jumped to my feet and towered over him. “You don´t know _anything_ about me,” I snapped, humiliated by the tears that filled my eyes.

I threw a handful of bills on the table and ran out of the diner.

 

I lay in bed for hours, crying over Jon and furious at the horrible boy who caused me to break like this.

It was dark outside when I finally calmed down.

I picked up my phone from the dresser, slid my fingers over the display and hit call when I found the number I was looking for.

He picked up after the third ring.

_“Hallo?”_

“Magnus, it´s Clary. Have you heard of a boy named Alec?”

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

I just sat there, stunned by her violent reaction and abrupt departure.

I tried to shrug it off as a typical girly hissy fit thrown by an ordinary girl. But nothing about Clary seemed ordinary.

Her appetite for food was _extraordinary_ , for one. I wondered if it applied to other areas as well and felt my jeans get tighter.

But my erection deflated the moment I remembered that I made her cry.

I couldn't believe it. Ad I couldn't believe that I actually _cared_.

 

Friday came and it was time for Pandemonium again. We arrived at Simon´s almost four hours ahead of time.

When we got out of the car I couldn't bring myself to go into the garage right away. Instead I stood staring at _her_ house. I´d found myself doing that a lot these days, ever since last Sunday.  I wondered which window was hers, if she was playing the music that sometimes sounded from the basement, if she was still mad at me…

I even walked up to her front door a couple of times, to apologize. But stopped myself before ringing the doorbell. Jace Herondale _never_ apologizes.

My shoulders were slightly slumped when I entered the garage, catching the end of a sentence.

“…actually have a date,” Izzy gestured widely.

“What did I miss?” I said, took a seat in one of the armchairs and winced when a spring scratched my back.

“It speaks,” Izzy scowls.

“Who peed in your cereal?” I asked, raising both eyebrows questioningly.

“You´re the one to talk, Jace. You´ve been acting weird this whole week,” she almost growled.

What was up with the girls lately? It seemed I couldn't do anything right.

“That time of the month?” I knew I should be quiet at let her calm down, but something about the look of anger and disappointment in her eyes made me feel cornered. I didn't deal well with that.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” she yelled at me and I fought the urge to ask Simon to control his woman. Even I wasn't that stupid. “You´ve been absentminded for days and I bet you don't even know about Alec’s big date.”

“It´s not really a date,” Alec interjected.

Both Izzy and I ignore his input.

“I had shit on my mind,” I walked over to the mini fridge, twisted the cap of and chugged half of it in one long gulp.

“Apparently,” Izzy snapped. This is a big day for your brother, but you don´t seem to care.”

“Nobody said it was a date,” Alec tried again.

“If it's such a big deal, why hadn't he told me about it?” I was close to losing my temper.

“He _tried_! But you were never home and when you were you might as well not have been, the way you acted.”

_Shit_ , what the hell has this girl done to me? I _always_ listen to my siblings. I got their backs, all the way.

“I never called it a date,” Alec’s words finally registered.

“You got a date? That´s great! With who?” I felt like such an ass for not being there for him, for some people a date might not mean a thing, but it was different for Alec. This would be his first one.

“Well, um…” Alec stuttered.

“Magnus Bane,” Izzy beamed at him.

“That sparkly circle-jerk? Really?” I wasn't surprised that the guy was gay, that was obvious when you looked at him. It was just odd to think of one of _them_ openly dating one of _us_.

“Well, um…” Alec still couldn't get the words out.

“Do you want me to talk to him first? Let him know what happens if he hurts you?”

“Ahem, no?” Alec was so nervous that it came out as a question.

I patted him on his back. “I´m happy for you, Alec.”

He smiled and his whole face lit up, “Yeah, me to.”

Even my brother’s got more game than me. Thoughts of Clary pop up uninvited, like they´d been doing lately. _Maybe, if_ Magnus dared take on the wrath of the circle-jerks, others could to.

“I didn't mean to be a crappy brother, Alec. The same goes to you, Iz,” I smiled apologetically at them, and then turned to our friend. “Have I been horrible to you too, Si?”

“Nah,” he grinned. “You haven’t mocked me in five days, It's been refreshing.”

“Well, that´s no good,” I smacked him over the head, finished my beer, grabbed another one and sat in front of Izzy’s keyboard. “Alec, this is for you,” I placed my fingers on the keys and started playing.

 

_Every time I time I go to dinner_ __  
Seems like I'm getting a little bit thinner  
I'll sit down at the breakfast table  
I can talk, well, they're not able  
When I look at them I find  
There's a single question on their mind  
I wish it could go back to the way it was  
It's not easy now because...

__  
My whole family thinks I'm gay  
I guess it's always been that way  
Maybe it's cause of the way that I walk  
Makes them think I like...  
Boys  
That I like boys

__  
The goddamn question just won't go away  
and I get asked every single day  
But they way they ask it  
Is not in disguise  
Like, "How was your day? Do you like to kiss guys?"  
This is the worst, baby,   
this was my fear  
Now their opinions are crystal clear

__  
Because,  
My whole family now is shocked  
I'm in the closet and the door is locked  
Now my glory days are gone  
I was John Elway, now I'm Elton John  
My whole family now suspects  
Watching SpongeBob had side effects  
I'm not gay and that's what I said  
If I'm gay, hey god, strike me dead

_  
*coughing fit*_

__  
Just cause I'm afraid of the snow  
or my favorite color is... The rainbow  
I don't mean to yell, but I fear I must  
Cause I'm losing the people that I thought I could trust

__  
Because,  
even my boyfriend thinks I'm gay  
Just kidding!

__  
You all probably think I'm gay  
Man, this song is counter-productive  
La la la la...  
Because, my whole family thinks I'm gay  
what do they know anyway?  
You gotta look right through the haze  
Easy-bake oven was just a phase  
My whole family thinks I'm queer  
That is all I ever hear  
But I've been as straight as a ramp  
If you don't count bible camp  
Bible camp...

_  
I'm not gay, I swear_

Alec looked ready to choke when I finished.

“Aww, that's so cute,” Simon threw his head back and laughed. “None for me? I´m wounded,” he placed his hand over his heart.

“I promise to sing to you when they make a song about skinny-ass-rodent-looking-pussy-boys, okay,” I snickered.

“I thought that was what Justin Bieber’s songs was all about,” Izzy giggled.

“Yeah, that´s true,” I nodded thoughtfully, “What do you say Si? Wanna be my _baby_?” I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively.

“Tempting,” he pretended to gag. “But I think I´ll pass.”

My mind drifted off again. To Clary. What was she doing? Who was she doing it with? Had Toby or one of the others _claimed_ her yet? What would it be like to see her with someone else?

The last question bugged me. I didn't even know her, she already hated me so why should I care? It didn't matter what I should or shouldn't do. I cared, fuck knew why, but I did. She was just like the other circle-jerks. Nothing for me.

The sound of her name snapped me back to reality.

“But how did Clary know?” Izzy asked Alec.

“How should I know? Magnus said that she called him and suggested that he looked me up,” he shrugged.

“What about Clary,” I asked, failing to sound casual.

“It was Clary that sent Magnus in Alec’s direction.” Izzy explained, eying me suspiciously. “Which is just weird, considering that the only people who knows about him, beside the Parkers, are in this room.”

I nodded, my mind reeling with the information. How did she know? Then it hit me. _Oh, yeah_. I smacked myself on my forehead.

“Ahem, I might have told her about it?” I made it sound like a question on purpose.

“What? How could you do that?” Izzy got all up in my face, shouting, I barely resisted the urge to cover my ears. “Why would you even talk to her?”

“Well, I ran into her at Taki´s last Sunday?” again with the question.

That made Izzy pause, “I didn't know that the _Iceyes_ ate at Taki´s.”

“Yeah, me neither,” I admitted.

“I don't think she´s really one of them,” Simon claimed, which made three pair of eyes turn toward him.

“What's _that_ supposed to mean? Either you are one, or you aren't,” Izzy frowned at him.

He raised a hand in front of him. “Just think about it,” he started counting down on his fingers,” _One;_ she got Magnus to give Alec a call, _two;_ she ate at Taki’s, hell, that she eats at all is cause for suspicion, _three;_ she helped me up and located my glasses after the circle-jerks messed with me at Pandemonium,” that made us stare at him with even wider eyes. This was news to us. “Never mind that know,” he continued, “ _Four_ _and most importantly;_ she's not throwing herself at Jace.”

I scowled at that, annoyed that he was right. “You make it sound like I'm some kind of _rite of passage_.”

“Well, aren't you?” he chuckled and didn't see me flinch.

I ignored him and went to grab two more beers, downed the first one in the blink of an eye, then started on the second. I had a feeling that I was going to need it.

 

I sat on the end of the bar, a beer bottle dangling from my fingers and glared at the dance floor.

Clary and Toby were dancing and he held her exactly the way _I_ did, less than a week ago. She didn't push _him_ away, though. She wore a pair of jeans and a tank top, nothing special at all, but she made everything look good.

I glanced in the direction of the tables where Alec and Magnus sat. The animated look on my brother’s face reassured me that everything was good.

My gaze returned to the couple on the dance floor. Clary laughed at something he said, with her head thrown back.

She had gone straight to the bar when she got here, downing shots of tequila like there was no tomorrow. I tried to talk to her, to find out what I´d done to make her so upset and ask her why she fixed my brother up with her friend, who, tonight, wore even more glitter than usual. I rubbed my hands on my jeans for god-knows-what time to remove the sparkly residue that stuck to me when I shook his hand.

Whenever I tried to approach her to ask the questions, she ran in the other direction. It drove me crazy. No girl had ever run away from me before. I usually had to fend them off. I did it several times tonight, with even less grace than normal.

I turned my back to the dancers, swallowed the last of my beer and ordered a shot of whiskey which I downed in one gulp. I wasn't that drunk, I could hold my liquor. But this was enough for me. I didn't want to do anything stupid, after all.

My eyes wandered back to Clary against my better judgment. What I saw made me get to my feet so fast that the barstool fell to the floor with a loud clang.

They didn't even pretend to be dancing anymore, Clary looked up at the jerk with her hands pressed to his chest and he had his hands all over her ass. I grinded my teeth in anger when he leaned in to kiss her.

Hell no, that´s _my_ girl.

The fact that she really wasn't didn't matter at this point. The only thing that did was the uncontrollable rage that surged through me, fueled by the alcohol in my system.

I almost ran over there and tapped the circle-jerk on the shoulder.

He turned towards me with a scowl. “ _What!?”_

I didn't say anything, just let my fist do the talking and it had plenty to say as it connected with his face.

The bastard dropped to the floor and I walked out of the club, leaving a gaping Clary behind me.

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

The night didn't start off god at all.

I hadn´t even bothered to really dress up, just threw on a pair of low riding, slightly baggy jeans and a tank top that left my stomach mostly bare.

We were all over at Magnus’ house, doing the pre-club-drinking crap.

Magnus couldn't stop grinning and it bugged the hell out of the others, who all had a seemingly permanent scowl on their faces and were checking their phones for messages every few minutes.

_Yup, fun times for everybody._

“I can't believe you’re going to date a _foster,_ ” Aline wined. She´d been going at it ever since he told us about it, they all had. I was grateful that he hadn't told them about my part in it.

“ _I´m_ the one who´s going to date the guy,” Magnus sighed, which looked kind of funny with the grin plastered on his face. “So I don´t get what your problem is.”

“It´s like sleeping with the enemy,” Aline explained.

_Hypocrite_.

“Come _on_ Aline, have a little fun,” Magnus was starting to get annoyed now. “You remember fun don't you? F.U…”

“N?” she finished his sentence.

“No, _that´s_ it.”

She huffed and left the room. Magnus just shrugged and went to change the song.

It was one of my favorites, but tonight it only made me think about Jace, like everything else seemed to be doing lately.

 

_We will teach you to make boys next door_

_Out of assholes_

Yeah, Jace was an asshole all right. But did I want to turn him into something else? Did I want him to change? The only thing I knew for sure was that I _wanted_ him. And that scared the hell out of me.

 

I was pissed when we entered Pandemonium. The Ass-teams bithyness about Magnus date had given me a headache and the thoughts of Jace that clouded my mind did _not_ help.

Magnus wanted me to go with him and meet Alec, but when he pointed him out and I saw that he was accompanied by a certain golden-haired boy I politely declined and went to the bar.

If it was one drink that I detested more than mocha-frappe-whatever, it was tequila. The most disgusting thing in the world, just the thought alone made me gag.

So, of course, that´s what I ordered.

I did the whole, lick between the thumb and point finger-add salt-lick-swallow the shot-suck on the lime thing.

I stopped counting after the third one.

I planned on staying at the bar the rest of the night and drink until I couldn't remember every-fucking-detail of his stupid, beautiful face. But I should've known that my plan would backfire.

I saw him approaching in the corner of my eye, so I jumped down from the barstool and went looking for the others.

Why couldn't he just leave me alone? He didn´t fit inside my well-thought-out plans. He couldn´t. I had believed that this year would be easy, that I could return to my old self for just twelve short months and then it would be over. I could go to college, start a new life and forget about everything else. I might even be happy again.

I would _not_ let that boy ruin everything. Not after everything I already put my parents through.

“Hi there, beautiful,” Toby’s slurring voice interrupted my thoughts. He threw an arm around my waist, pulled me a little too close to him and whispered in my ear. “Wanna dance?”

_Oh god, no!_

I shrugged out of his arm and prepared to walk away and was met with a determined golden stare.

“Yeah, Toby. Let´s dance.”

He pulled me close to him again hands on my hips. I tried to keep as much space between us as possible, but every time I gained an inch he dragged me back.

Magnus waved at me from the table he sat at with Alec and made a face, pointed to Toby and pretended to puke. My dance partner said something but I didn't hear it, I threw my head back and laughed at Magnus.

Toby seemed to take that as an encouragement, he stopped dancing altogether, put his hands on my ass and grinded against me. I put my hands on his chest and tried to push him away, but he wouldn't budge.

All of a sudden Jace was there, looking so furious that I got nervous. He tapped Toby on the shoulder, which made him let go of me and turn towards Jace.

“What?!”

Jace didn't say a word, just raised his fist and connected it with Toby’s face.

He dropped to the floor and Jace walked out of the club.

_What the hell?_

 

I wanted to run after him. To ask him what the hell was wrong with him, to yell at him and to kiss him until I forgot about everything else.

But I didn´t. I went back to the bar and continued with my own personal tequila-race with the annoying _Iceyes_ shouting in my ear, demanding an explanation to what just happened.

After the fourth shot my money ran out, so I left.

I planned to just go home. To take out my aggression on the punching bag until I was too tired to do anything but fall asleep on the mattress that lay on the basement floor.

I should've known better.

I tried to focus on Jon, my new _friends_ , my parents, on _anything_ but Jace.

I didn't even know anything about him, except that he was clearly sleeping with every girl in the Ass-team, that he was totally full of himself, that he thinks he had me all figured out.

So _why_ couldn't I stop thinking about him?

I was almost at my house, just a few more feet…. I walked right passed it.

I did my best to force myself to turn around, to just go home and go to sleep, but nothing worked.

I knew where I was headed. I had met Jace in three places; Pandemonium – which he just left, Taki’s – which was closed at this time of night and the small clearing. The last one was my only option since I had no idea where he lived.

When I was half-way between my house and my destination the sky opened up and the rain started pouring down.

“Do I turn around and walk back to my warm, _dry_ house. _Noooo!_ ” I muttered to myself

My clothes were soaked by the time I got there, but the shiver that ran down my spine had nothing to do with the cold and _everything_ to do with the boy standing with his back turned towards me; his jeans and t-shirt clung to him in the most appealing way imaginable.

“Jace…” I started, but had no idea what to say.

His back stiffened at the sound of my voice. “What are you doing here, Lucy?”

I grabbed a hold of the anger when he used that ridiculous nickname. Anger was better than anything else he made me feel.

“I told you not to call me that,” I said hoarsely.

“So you did,” he turned around and smirked at me.

I tried to look everywhere except his face. His wet hair hung in his eyes and I clenched my fists to keep myself from going over to him and push it away with my hands and then I would trail the rainwater that dripped down his forehead, to his jaw and his lips…

_Stop it!_

My eyes finally settled on a far safer body part.

“How´s your hand?”

He just shrugged and I remembered that I was mad at him.

“What the hell _was_ that?” I made my voice hard.

“He pissed me off,” another shrug.

“ _How_? He didn't _do_ anything.”

“He had his…” he caught himself.

Even though the rain had sobered me up quite a bit, I still had tequila in my system. I decided that it was the alcohol that made me do it.

I walked up to him and poked him in his chest, forcing myself to not touch him more than that.

“You ruined _everything_ , do you know that?”

“Well, I'm sorry I stopped your little grope-fest,” he didn't sound sorry. “I´m sure he's at home nursing his wounds. Why don't you go over there and offer him a sponge bath?”

_What is he talking about now? Wait, OH…_ “I don't give a fuck about Toby. He was too damn grabby:”

“Then what _are you_ talking about?” Jace asked me, his beautiful eyes full of confusion.

“I had _plans_. _Important_ plans. I made _promises._ ”

He kept staring at me. “You lost me there, Clary.”

“I was going to be _the old me_ for the year. Be with the _popular_ crowd, get a _popular_ boyfriend, be _everything_ my parents wants. Then you came…”

His chest felt _so_ good beneath my finger that I just _had_ to feel more of him. I place my palm on his chest and felt his heartbeat.

He didn't say anything, just looked me in my eyes.

“I _can't_ be with you,” I said, my voice husky.

“Because you have _plans_ ,” he whispered.

“Yes. I have _plans_ ,” I couldn't remember any of them as my gaze followed a raindrop from his cheek down to his upper lip. “Big, important plans,” I tried to remember why this would be _so_ wrong. But dammit, it felt _so_ good.

I kissed him, I wished that I could say that it was a hard kiss, as punishment, like a punch. It was _nothing_ like that. It was soft, sweet, lingering and it set my whole body on fire.

He pulled away from me and I felt the rejection like a slap.

But he cupped his hands around my face and looked me intently in my eyes, as if he was searching for something.

He must´ve find it, because he crushed his lips against mine. I moaned and he took advantage of my slightly parted lips and deepened the kiss. Our tongues engaged in a dance that made my toes curl. I pulled him closer, laced my fingers in his hair and tugged a little on his wet curls, it felt even better than I thought. He placed his hand on my lower back and pushed our hips firmly together so I could feel the effect I had on him. He sucked my bottom lip in between his teeth and nibbled a little.

We both groaned and clung to each other, neither of us feeling the rain or the cold.

A lightning bolt flashed across the dark sky and the crackling of thunder soon followed.

We jumped apart. We were both panting.

I gave his one last look then turned around to walk home.

“Hey, where are you going?” he said.

“Home. I´m wet,” in more ways than one. “I need some dry clothes.”

I took a couple of steps than turned towards him again with a smile.

I reached out my hand. “You coming?”

 

**Thank you for reading**


	5. 4

**Jessie J – Who´s laughing now** Clary on the punching bag

**Red – Perfect life** Jace sings to Clary

 

**'Disclaimer:**  (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

 

_The defects and faults of the mind are like wounds in the body; after all imaginable care has been taken to heal them up, still there will be a scar left behind_." - French writer François de la Rochefoucauld

 

Chapter 4

 

Never in my semi-adult life had I done this before. Not the going home with a girl part, that was nothing new. But holding hands with one was.

Granted, it was the middle of the night, the rain was pouring down, the sky lit with lightning and the walk took us even less than the usual ten minutes. But still, she held my hand the entire time. I liked it. _A lot_.

Instead of the front door, Clary led me to a door at the side of her house.

It entered into a medium sized room that only held a mattress on the floor and a punching bag in the ceiling. The walls were covered in paint in every colour imaginable and two other doors.

When she turned on the light I could see that the paint was actually _paintings_. The most frequent design was of a guy with white blonde hair and dark eyes, but there were others too. A waterfall, a park scene, a cemetery and… one looked familiar, was that _my_ clearing?

“Wow,” I said, “these are really good.”

“Thanks,” she looked slightly embarrassed. “Ahem, you should probably take your clothes off.”

I raised an eyebrow at that. “You don´t waste any time, do you?”

She blushed. She actually blushed. How adorable was that?

“I thought I could throw them in the dryer,” she nodded to one of the doors. “Do you want something else to wear in the meantime?”

I inspected the clothes that clung to her body because of the rain and thought about everything else than I´d seen her in. “Oh Lucy, nothing of yours will fit me.”

She snorted. “You could borrow my brother’s clothes.”

“Brother? I didn't know you have a brother,” I wondered if he was away at school or something.

Her face fell. “I don´t”

I wanted to ask her about the contradicting statements, but I saw the look in her eyes. I knew that look. That look didn't want questions, so I kept my mouth shut.

I stripped down to my boxers and handed her my clothes. I should've been freezing, but her gaze warmed me.

Clary walked into the laundry room and threw them into the dryer.

“I´ll be right back,” she disappeared out of sight and I could hear the sound of cardboard boxes being dragged over the floor and flipped open. She returned with a pair of gray sweats, a t-shirt with _Lead us not into temptation; just tell us where it is_ printed on the front and a black hoodie. “Here, these should fit you. I´ll go up to my room and change. Just wait here, okay.”

She left.

I put the clothes on - they fit me perfectly - and walked around the room. I slid my fingers over the worn leather on the punching bag and studied the paintings while I waited.

My favorite one had to be the cemetery. The attention to detail was amazing. The leafy trees, the headstones, the redheaded girl sitting on a bench facing one of them…was that Clary?

I felt a small hand against my back and almost jumped out of my skin, I had been so engrossed in the paintings that I hadn't heard her.

“Sorry,” she laughed quietly.

“No worries,” I smiled down at her. She wore a tight, white t-shirt with the words _Stop imagining this shirt wet_ on it and a pair of knee length, black leggings and her hair hung loosely down her back, a stray curl falling in her eyes. Her hair was curly? She looked so good that I couldn't stop myself from doing exactly what the shirt told me _not_ to do. I´d seen her in wet clothes and she looked _hot_. Hell, she looked hot in anything and I just knew she would look even better _without_ anything…

I stifled a groan.

I wanted to grab her, throw her down on that mattress and just… But I didn´t. I wanted to ask what she meant with me ruining her plans, why she kissed me like that. But I just stood there, staring at her. Like a goddamn idiot. “Why am I here?” seemed like the most important question.

She placed her hands around my face and pulled me down to her level so she could rest her forehead against mine. “I don't know,” she replied honestly.

My eyes fixated on her soft, pink lips. I ghosted my mouth across them. “Maybe I should go,” I backed away from her. “I don't want to ruin anymore of your _plans_.

She closed her eyes. “Maybe I should explain that part?”

I leaned against one of the doors and tried to look comfortable. “Please do.”

“Promise me first that you won´t interrupt me until I'm done,” her gaze was intense as it met mine.

I nodded.

“When I was younger I made Aline and her _Iceyes_ look like innocent school girls in comparison. Whatever they´ve done, I did a lot worse,” Clary hesitated, bit her lip and then continued. “All that changed when my brother died two years ago. After the funeral I went a little crazy. I stopped hanging with my usual crowd, stopped caring about all the crap that seemed _so_ important before. I even deliberately hurt myself and got kicked out of school for attacking one of my so called friends when she treated some kids _exactly_ the way that _I taught her.”_ She walked over to one of the paintings of the white-blonde boy, her brother I realized, and traced her fingers across her features. “My parents sent me to therapy and agreed to let me be homeschooled. But about a month ago, they sat me down for a _talk_. They told me that it was time for me to return to school and to the way I was. To finish my last year in high school in a new town and do everything I did before,” she stopped talking, just breathed heavily with her eyes locked in mine.

“And because I´m not part of that usual crowd, I'm not good enough?” I didn't get it, it just sounded like any other excuse to me.

“Yes,” she seemed glad that I got it. “Wait, _no_. That´s not what I meant.” Clary sat down on the mattress and wrapped her arms around her knees. “ _I_ don't care about _any_ of that. I don't care if you´re popular or not. That part of me died when my brother did,” a single tear slid down her cheek and stopped in the corner of her mouth. I wanted to kiss it away, but knew that I had to listen to the whole story first. “But I hurt my parents _so_ much. Jon was the favorite and when he died… The way I acted… After all the things I put them through… I _need_ to keep this promise to them.”

She stood up and walked over to me and buried her head against my shoulder. I wanted to hold her, but didn't move a muscle. I didn't fully understand her reasons, but could see why she felt that it was necessary.

“I can't _be_ with you Jace,” she repeated. “But I don't think I can stay away from you either.”

She lifted her green eyes to mine and the look in them made my insides melt.

I wanted her. In every way possible. But no matter how I tried to tell myself that this would be no different than what I had with other girls, I knew I was lying.

This time I _did_ care.

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

_I need time to think_

Jace words played over and over in my head, ever since he left last night. I hadn´t slept at all because of it. What had I expected? That he would be okay with sneaking around?

_God, I'm such an idiot_

I had promised to meet up with the rest of the _Iceyes_ at Java’s and although I was tempted to skip it, I was in desperate need of a distraction from everything Jace related.

_I need time to think_

I wanted to talk to him, but had no way of doing that. I didn't have his number or knew where he lived.

I donned the make-up put on skinny jeans and a tank and my bracelet and went to meet the circle-jerks. The thought of Jace’s nickname for them brought a smile to my face.

*

I walked up to the laughing group.

“What´s up?” I sat down on the empty chair next to Kaelie, grateful that it was far away from Toby. I had to fight back a smile at the sight of his black-and-blue. “Where´s Magnus?” I was dying to know how his date went.

“With his _foster_ , I presume,” Aline looked appalled.

“Oh, so I guess his date went okay then?”

_Good for him_

“What do I care?” she tossed her hair over her shoulder, which looked moronic since it was too short.

“He's our friend?”

_I shouldn't have to explain this to her._

The whole pack burst out laughing.

“This is _social suicide_ ,” Kaelie waved at the waitress and ordered coffee drinks for the whole table. “We don't date _them_ , under any circumstances.”

“Love is blind,” I shrugged, already bored with the conversation.

Kaelie patted me on the head. I almost smacked her. “I forget that you're new here,” her nasal voice grated on my nerves. “It's _us_ against _them_.”

_Yeah, because that makes sense._

“I know,” I nodded, thinking about what a lameass idea that was.

“So,” Aline paused for effect. “Now that he's _with_ one of them, he´s _against_ us.”

“So you kicked him out? Just like that?”

_Hypocritical sluts. Sneaking around with Jace is one thing…_

The laughed again.

I felt like crying. The _only_ person I could stand in this creepy cult, and he was _out_. And poor Magnus, how was he handling it?

The others started to make fun of Magnus and his new boyfriend. I said nothing and silently hated myself for it. What was _wrong_ with me? The only person I met since moving here that I actually considered a friend _without the sarcastic air-quotes_ and I did nothing to defend him.

No wonder Jace didn't want me.

*

I left as soon as I could, not even touching the disgusting coffee drink. Jace last words and every nasty thing the _Iceyes_ said about Magnus echoed inside my head.

I went straight to the basement, stripped down to my underwear for better flexibility and taped up my hands. I put on some music and cranked up the volume.

I stood on the balls of my feet with my knees bent, my hands held in front of my face with clenched fists turned inward.

I slammed my fist into the bag, the thud trembled through it

I attacked the leather clad sack in time to the music.

_I need time to think_

**Punch, kick, punch, punch, punch**.

_It's us against them_

**Punch, punch, punch, kick**.

_You should really stay away from him._

**Kick, punch, kick, kick**.

I pictured Aline’s face on the punching bag.

**Punch, punch punch**.

_I can't believe you're dating a foster_

**Kick, punch, kick**

_He's not someone you would be proud to have your arm around_.

**Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch**

_I need time to think_

**Kick, punch, punch, punch**

The sound of Aline’s laughter filled my head

**Punch, kick, kick, kick, punch**

The music stopped.

**KICK**

The punching bag fell to the floor with a loud thump and rattle of the chain filled the space around me.

I leaned over, panting, with my hands on my knees.

“Who´s laughing now, _bitch_?”

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

Three days went by and I _still_ didn´t know what to do. I wanted her, more than I ever wanted anyone, or _anything_ for that matter.

But I wasn't sure if I could be with her under those conditions.

I needed to talk to someone, to get advice on what to do, but there was no one to ask.

Izzy would give me the same speech that she had countless times before and this time the I-don't-care response did not apply. Simon would, if not side with, probably tell her everything. And Alec… his guy actually _left_ the _Iceyes_ for him. So how could he help me?

The Parker’s were not even an option. First of all; I´d never talked girls with them before and weren't going to start _now._ They would only sprout the usual parental crap anyway. Like _You need a girl who treats you right_ or _If she loves you_ …

Whoa... Loves? Where did that come from?

I could still feel her small hand in mine and her body pressed against me. I hadn´t returned her brother’s clothes yet, I left without waiting for mine to dry. The sweats, t-shirt and hoodie had been washed and lay neatly folded inside my backpack. I brought them with me to Simon’s every day, with the intent to give them back to her, but ended up bringing them home with me every night.

I knew that I should give them back, it _was_ her brother’s clothes, her _dead_ brother’s. But I had this feeling that if I did there would be no reason for me to see her again.

I knew what my answer would have to be.

Even though I didn't know much about her, she had become an important part of my life in a short amount of time. I knew she was broken, maybe even worse than I was before I came to live with the Parker’s. I wanted to fix her, to mend the pieces of her soul _and_ her heart.

But I _couldn't_ be with her the way she asked me.

I knew my resolve would shatter the moment I saw her, so my best bet would be to stay as far away from her as possible and hope she got the message.

Cowardly, but I had no other choice.

*

Two days later Izzy found my clothes on the couch in Simon’s garage. That brought forth a lot of questions.

I hadn´t told them anything about that night, nor did I plan to. But Izzy demanded answers and I had none to give her.

“How the fuck would I know?” I frowned at her constant nagging. “Maybe Si borrowed them from me and his mom had them cleaned?”

“I wouldn't be caught dead in your crappy clothes, buddy,” Simon drawled. “Try again.”

“Crappy clothes? Have you seen your own?” I scowled at him. “Are we even sure that they _are_ mine?”

“Whatever, Jace. You don´t wanna talk about it, fine. But don't lie to us,” Izzy said with chagrin.

Alec didn't say a word. He just looked at me with his big, blue eyes and I felt like he could see right through me. I raised a questioning eyebrow but he just smiled and shrugged, as if to say _I don’t know what you're talking about_.

I eyed him suspiciously then huffed at him.

“What’re we doing Friday?” I asked.

“Pandemonium?” Simon suggested.

“Again?” _Hell no_. I didn't want to risk the chance of running into Clary. “Can´t we do something else?”

“We can hang out here,” Alec said. “Maybe I could invite Magnus?”

“So I would be the odd man out?” I forced a laugh. “That sounds great.”

I couldn't see her yet. I had to get myself under control first.

*

Friday came with great weather. The brightly shining sun made the cool air in the garage that much sweeter.

Another bright side, when we climbed out of the car we could see a man and a woman, I presumed they were Clary’s parents, loading luggage in the trunk. Less than an hour later I could hear the car drive away.

_Yes_.

Now I had the weekend to get over whatever it was that she made me feel.

I decided to do something tonight that I hadn´t in almost three years. I would get so drunk that I couldn´t remember my own name, much less _hers._

I sat in one of the armchairs with the guitar in my lap and a cap n’ coke in my hand.  I absentmindedly strummed a few chords while _not_ thinking about a particular redhead.

_Who am I kidding_?

“Can I take the car to get Magnus?” Alec asked.

“Sure,” I grinned at him.” I'm timing you though, so no stopping on deserted roads for a little hanky-panky,” I frowned at him mockingly.

“Now you're just giving me ideas,” Alec winked, got into the car and drove off.

I shuddered at the thought of my brother having sex in my baby, which strangely enough made images of me and Clary doing just _that_ flash before my eyes. I groaned and took a large gulp of my drink.

“Plug me in,” I ordered Simon who scowled at me before plugging my guitar into the amp. If I was supposed to spend the night alone with the four of them I sure as hell needed something to distract me… and drown out the _noises_.

I didn't actually time Alec, but the grin on his and Magnus faces made me take a mental note to have my car cleaned as soon as possible. Magnus was his usual sparkly self, dressed all in black with glitter in his hair and on his eyelashes.

The alcohol took its toll on my bladder and I took a trip to the bathroom next to the garage.

Magnus was talking on the phone when I came back.

“Stop being such a little, whiny _bitch_ and get your scrawny ass over here. Bye baby.”

I looked at the others. “Who was he talking to?”

“Mags invited a friend of his. He thought you would be lonely,” Alec snickered.

I ran through Magnus list of friends in my mind. I wondered who it could be. None of the _Iceyes_ would go anywhere near this place.

“So you guys still hang out? I thought the _Iceyes_ kicked you out?” Izzy asked.

It _was_ one of the circle-jerks? But _who_?

“I wouldn't really call her one of _them_ ,” never before had that word sounded so dirty. “We talk every day. She _is_ after all the reason I met Alec.”

_Wait_ …he didn´t mean…

“Hey Maggie,” Clary said and held up two bottles in each hand. “I brought with me a couple of friends. Meet Morgan, Jim, Jack and José.”

She wore the tiniest shorts I´d ever seen and a two sizes too big, grey t-shirt. Her curly hair hung down her back.

_Oh fuck_.

Introductions were made and somehow all the chairs were occupied and I ended up in the couch next to Clary, in the seating arrangement from hell. The very _narrow_ couch. Hell, with her beside me I could´ve sworn that the armchairs were bigger.

Simon went and got her a glass and gave it to her with a smile.

I wanted to punch him, even more so when she blushed and mumbled, “Thanks.”

She poured herself a shot of whiskey and I groaned inwardly. Nothing was hotter than a girl drinking whiskey. Nothing I could think about anyway.

I did my best to ignore her, but she chatted away with the others like I wasn't even there. Had she changed her mind _already_? Didn't she care anymore? Stupid _Iceyes_. Never knowing what they want.

“I like your place, Simon,” Clary smiled and looked around the garage. “Nice instruments. Are you any good?”

Izzy laughed at that. “Not really. It´s just for fun. Jace is great on the guitar though and wait to you hear him sing.”

“That´s nice,” Clary said meekly.

“You should totally play her something, Jace,” Izzy begged me.

One of my first lessons in life; don't _just_ get mad, get even. Clary didn't think I was good enough to be seen with. How much I tried to deny it, that actually hurt. So I would do my best to hurt her back.

I went over to the amp and grabbed my guitar. “Sure, I´ll play something.”

My eyes met hers and I held her gaze through the entire song.

 

_You pretend what you say you feel_

_You pretend that you´re something special_

_All your lies that you hide behind_

_I see right through you_

_See right through you_

_Paint it on, cover every inch_

_Any flaws will expose your weakness_

_I'm immune to your fantasy_

_I won't become you_

_Won't become you_

_You want a perfect, perfect life_

_Nothing wrong, nothing real inside_

_All I see is a perfect lie_

_I don't want your perfect life_

_I don't want your perfect life_

_So keep your dream with no consequence_

_You´d damage me just to feed your senses_

_All you fake for reality_

_I see right through you_

_See right through you_

_Take your pride, take your vanity_

_Can´t you see that your ego´s empty_

_I will turn, I will walk away_

_I won't become you_

_Won't become you_

_You want a perfect, perfect life_

_Nothing wrong, nothing real inside_

_All I see is a perfect lie_

_I don't want your perfect life_

_I don't want your perfect life_

_My eyes are wide open_

_I see the enemy, the hypocrisy_

_Your cover is fading_

_Secrets pouring out, castles falling down_

_Nothing to hide behind_

_I know who I am inside_

_I´m perfectly broken_

_You want a perfect, perfect life_

_Nothing wrong, nothing real inside_

_All I see is an empty lie_

_I don't want your perfect life_

_I don't want your perfect life_

_I don't want your perfect life_

_I don't want your perfect life_

_Perfect life_

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

I couldn't look away from Jace’s eyes, even though I wanted to. I listened to his beautiful voice sing the answer to my question; he didn't want me.

I didn't want to come, knowing he´d be here, but Maggie is not an easy guy to say no to.

I felt like throwing myself down on the couch to cry my eyes out. But I had become pretty good at disguising my feelings by now, so I calmly looked at him and dipped my head in a barely noticeable nod, letting him know that the message had been received.

“Oookay,” Simon looked puzzled. ”What the hell was that song supposed to be about?”

“Fake people have an image to maintain. Real people just don't care,” Jace shrugged, his eyes never leaving my face.

I had to look away, hoping that the curtain of my hair shielding my face hid my blush from the others.

_So that´s how it's going to be?_

I sipped my drink, uncomfortably aware of the four pair of eyes that passed between me and Jace.

“I´m hungry,” Izzy announced. “Let´s go to Taki´s and get something to eat.”

“Ah…You guys go, I'll just… wait here… or go home…or whatever,” I said, feeling embarrassed.

Magnus gave me an understanding look. Even though he didn't know the reason behind it, he knew about my reluctance to get inside a car.

“No, you have to come,” Izzy demanded.

I tried to hide my panic, but Magnus came to the rescue.

“Clary doesn’t do cars,” he explained with a small shrug, to show them that he didn´t know why.

“That´s fine. We'll just get take-out,” Simon smiled at me. “I´ll stay here with you.”

“No!” Everybody’s eyes turned towards Jace. He looked intently at me and swallowed hard. “I mean… Izzy can stay. She always gets the same thing anyway.”

“Or…I could just tell you what I want?” Simon seemed confused.

“No, that's okay, Si,” Izzy kissed her boyfriend and gave her brother an odd look. “You go. I could use a little girl time.”

I blanched at that, not knowing what to expect.

The others drove off and Izzy moved to sit beside me on the couch. She looked me up and down and then smiled.

“I totally approve of my brother’s taste. You have an okay fashion sense and from what I´ve heard about you, you're nice too.”

I almost choked on my drink. “You're kidding me, right? Jace _hates_ me,” she heard that song, how could she not know?

“That´s just Jace being…well Jace. His motto in life is; If you can't say anything nice, say something witty or sarcastic.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “Whatever.” I looked at her somewhat Grunge-meets-Goth outfit. “I like your clothes. Where did you get them?” It was exactly what the _new_ me would wear, but I hadn't seen anything like that at the store.

“Online shopping, baby,” she laughed. “The store here is somewhat…lacking.”

I laughed at that and felt myself relax. It was nice to talk to a _real_ person for a change.

“So…” Izzy started after talking about music, more clothes and boys for a while. “Why don't you like cars?”

“I…” I didn't know what to say. The only people who knew were my parents, “…just don't like the feeling of being trapped, I guess.”

I heard a strangled noise, looked up and was met by Jace stormy eyes.

_What now?_

The smell of their food made me regret not ordering anything.

“Here you go, sweetcheeks,” Magnus dropped a bag in my lap.

I opened the greasy bag and squealed in delight at the cheeseburger and fries. “Aww baby, you shouldn't have,” I grinned at him.

“I didn´t. You forget that I only seen you eat the tasteless salads at Java´s. This is all on _pretty boy_ over there.”

My head snapped in Jace’s direction and I just gawked at him.

He looked away from me and dug into his food. I blinked away the moisture in my eyes at the sight of the small packages of ketchup and black pepper and started eating.

We enjoyed our meal in a blessed silence.

The alcohol flowed freely but none of us became obnoxiously drunk, thanks to the sturdy dinner. I found that I had a really good time. Even though Jace acted like I wasn't there most of the time, I had more fun than I had in… two years.

I suppressed the guilt and focused on what Magnus was saying.

“We should play ‘I have never’,” he stated, giving Alec puppy eyes when we all groaned in protest. “C´mon, it´s a great way to get to know each other.”

“I´ve found that strip poker works even better,” Jace snickered.

“Yeah, I heard about that, Blondie,” he cocked his head to the side. “Personally I don't see what the big deal is.”

I watched their banter, silently wondering if Jace had a big _deal_. The thought made me blush.

_Come_ on, _you're being ridiculous._

“Okay, we'll play,” Alec caved and kissed his pouting boyfriend. “Who´s first?”

“No, no, no,” Izzy wagged her finger at us. “First some rules.”

The four boys scowled at her.

“You don't have rules in drinking games, Iz,” Simon explained.

“Of course you do. Don´t be stupid,” she huffed. “First of all; if no one drinks the one who… _asks_ , or whatever you call it, have to drink.” We all nodded at that. “Second; We'll need three glasses each.”

“Why three?” Jace asked

“If you´re the only one to drink, you have to take two. With three glasses, there's always two ready.”

“Okay, anything else,” Simon asked as he and Alec returned with the extra glasses.

“Nope,” Izzy smiled. “Who´s first?”

“I'll go,” Jace said and met my gaze for the first time since they left for Taki’s. “I've never tried to hide who I really am.”

I flinched at that, downed a shot and reached for the next, but stopped when I saw Magnus and Alec take one as well.

“Dude, we're gay. Of course we've tried to hide who we are,” Alec defended himself when Jace glared at them.

“I´ve never been caught _with my pants down_ at Aline’s Sweet Sixteen,” Magnus chuckled when Jace swallowed two shots.

“I´ve never been felt up by Jordan and Toby on the dance floor,” Jace raised an eyebrow at me.

I downed both shots and glared at him.

“ _At the same time_?” Simon sounded shocked, but looked relieved when I shook my head.

I closed my eyes, trying to block out the sight of Jace, but his face seemed to be imprinted on the back of my eyelids.

“I've never punched someone for no reason,” I said. He wanted to make this all about me? Well two could play that game.

“Whatever,” he muttered and drank. “I´ve never thought I was better than anyone.”

I drank.

The others looked at us with wide eyes.

“I've never…” I paused _shit, this is hard. I don't know that much about him_ “…been left ‘hanging’,” sarcastic air-quotes, “on the dance floor.”

Magnus sounded like he was about to choke when Jace drank.

“Whatever, at least _I´m_ not afraid to be seen with you,” Jace sounded like he had enough.

“That´s _not_ what I said, and you know it,” I hissed, embarrassed by the others presence.

Izzy gasped, but Jace ignored her.

“I don't know fucking _anything,_ Lucy,” he snapped at me.

“Lucy? Who´s Lucy?” Simon asked, but the others shushed him.

Jace walked over and stood right in front of me so I had to look up to meet his angry glare.

I knew he was angry at me, I just hadn't realized just _how furious_.

“I told you why it had to be like this. It´s not something I want, but something I _need_.” I didn´t want to do this _here_ , with his friends and Magnus watching.

“So you went through some shit when your brother died? Boo-fucking-hoo. I don't get why you need to pretend to be someone you _claim_ you're not. It´s not like you killed anyone,” he yelled.

His words felt like a slap and my face drained of all color. I thought I was going to throw up or pass out. Or both.

I did neither.

I spun on my heel and walked away.

**Thank you for reading**

 


	6. 5

**Disclaimer:**  (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

**Red-Damage**  Clary flashback

 

Chapter 5

 

I could feel five pair of eyes on me as I watched Clary disappear around the corner.

“What the  _fuck_ was that about?” Izzy asked me, shock apparent in her voice.

I didn't say anything, just sat down on the couch and poured myself a drink.

“What is  _wrong_ with you?” Alec sounded ominous.

I couldn't answer their questions. I kept on drinking, feeling numb all over. The look in Clary's eyes would probably haunt me forever.

“You  _idiot_ ,” Magnus thundered. “If you weren't Alec’s brother I would smack you so hard that nobody wanted to look at you again.”

I glanced up at him while I downed my drink and got a refill.

Alec shrugged. “Be my guest. He deserves it.”

“Hey now,” Simon stepped between us. “No need to get violent. There´s obviously more going on here than we know. Maybe we should stay out of it?”

I raised my glass at that. “Here, here.” I couldn't get the look of her pale face and wide green eyes out of my head. I thought she was going to pass out, but she just left…again. This was the second time she´d run away from me. She had already been carrying around a lot of pain… I only made it worse.

My original plan to avoid her hadn't worked out. Clary told me that even though she couldn't be with me, she couldn't stay away. I realized that I felt the same way. I surged to my feet so fast that the room spun around me.

“Sit down,” Magnus growled at me.

“I have to go and talk to her,” I slurred.

“No, you really  _don't_ ,” he gave me a light shove, making me fall down on the couch again. “I haven´t known Clary that long, but I could see from the start that she had  _nothing_  in common with the other bitches I hanged out with. She hasn't told me anything about her past, but it was obvious that something  _really_  bad happened to her. But she opened up to _you_  and you just threw it back in her face. You stay the  _fuck_  away from her or I swear to  _god_ , I  _will_  hurt you”

“That´s enough, Mags,” Alec warned him. “We might not know what happened between the two of them, or anything about Clary for that matter. But we  _do_  know Jace. He might be an ass, but he would  _never_  deliberately hurt someone.”

Alec’s words made me flinch, even though he defended me. I  _had_  deliberately hurt her. God, I hate myself.

I got to my feet again and this time the room didn’t move.

“You can't go to her,” Magnus snapped, but added, “like that,” when Alec glared at him. “You have to sober up first.”

“Yeah,” Alec entwined his fingers with his boyfriend’s. “We´ll get you some coffee, okay.”

 

 

 

 

Three large mugs of coffee later I walked over to Clary’s house. The music coming from the basement let me know where to find her. I had no idea what to say, but knew there was nowhere else I rather be.

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

“Please don't follow me, please don't follow me,” I mumbled the words over and over to myself as I walked across the grass. I wasn’t referring to anyone in specific; I just needed to be alone.

When I closed the door behind me I leant against it with a sigh of relief and slid to the floor. The sounds of screeching tires and the sharp smell of gasoline filled my mind.

I ran up to my bedroom to fetch my sketchbook and returned to the basement. I spent as little time in the room upstairs as possible. That was  _the old me’s_ room, down here I could be myself.

I turned on the music and sat down on the floor in the middle of the room, with my back to the door. Images of Jon and the events leading up to the crash flashed before my eyes in a disturbing jumble.

 

_(Hear me)_

_Now the damage is done_

_I can't escape, I can´t run_

_Can't undo what I´ve done_

_(I am waiting)_

_Do you hear me now?_

_Will you answer me?_

_Are you even there?_

_(Don't look away)_

 

_“I can't believe you did that, Jon,” I shouted. “What's your fucking problem?”_

_“My_ fucking _problem as you so accurately put it is finding my fifteen years old lil’ sis in bed with some stranger about to…” he cut himself short, not wanting to say the words out loud._

_“It´s not your business, big brother! I screamed. “I´m old enough and it's about time I got the whole thing over with!”_

_“_ Over with _?!” He threw me in the passenger seat of his car, buckled me up, closed the door and walked around to the driver side of the car. He had been drinking and had no business getting behind the wheel, but that was the least of our concerns. “You talk about your virginity as something to_ get over with?!  _You sound like a fucking whore Candy Cane!” Jon was screaming now too._

_“I_ hate _you!”_

 

_All I do is damage, damage_

_It´s destroying me_

_All I do is damage, damage_

_I´m sick of this misery_

 

_I looked out the window, refusing to acknowledge him, but he kept on ranting._

_“I´ve seen how you treat others, but I thought you had more respect for_  yourself _! Drunken sex is_ not  _something you want for your_ first time _! You're better than that, Candy Cane.”_

_“Stop_ calling _me that! I´m not a little kid anymore, when are you going to see that?!”_

_“I´ll see it when you stop_ acting like one _!”_

 

_(Hear me)_

_I´m human debris_

_I am crashed and bent_

_I´m a catastrophe_

_(I´m waiting)_

_I´m human debris_

_I am crashed and bent_

_I´m a catastrophe_

 

_It started to rain, the wipers worked overtime on the windshield. Jon´s foot never left the gas, he was driving way over the speed limit, but neither of us cared. I just wanted to get out of this car and away from him._

_Jon had stopped talking but I could see from the determined set of his jaw that the conversation was far from over._

God, I hate him.

   
---  
  |    
  
 

_All I do is damage, damage_

_It´s destroying me_

_All I do is damage, damage_

_I´m sick of this misery_

_Take this away_

_It was just a mistake_

_Save me_

_All I do is damage_

 

_Neither of us saw the other car until it was right in front of us. Jon veered to the left to try to avoid the crash, but the speed and weather had the car skidding of the road and down a small hill._

_I screamed at him while he fought for control of the car. We ran straight into a tree, and then everything went black._

 

_I am covered in shame_

_There is no one to blame_

_I am covered in shame_

_I have no one to blame_

_I am covered in shame_

_I have no one to blame_

 

_“Clary!_ Clary, you have to wake up _!” Jon shouted and shook me._

_I slowly opened my eyes. “What happened? Where are we? ”I looked around and took in the cracked windshield. “We crashed!” I shrieked. Thrashing wildly, trying to get out._

_“You have to calm down, Candy Cane,” Jon’s voice shook as he tried to sooth me. “Unbuckle your seatbelt and get out of the car. Go get help.”_

_I looked at my brother and saw through tear-filled eyes that he was trapped behind the steering-wheel. I took a deep breath through my nose to calm down and smelled the gasoline. I tried to unbuckle the seatbelt with shaking fingers and started to hyperventilate when it wouldn't budge._

_“I can´t get it open!” I screamed. “Help me, Jon!” I freaked out and jerked around in my seat._

_“Candy Cane, sit still,” he murmured. “I have a knife. I can cut you lose, but you_ have to _be still.”_

_Jon’s hand were shaking so bad and covered in a dark liquid that made him slip with the dull knife several times, cutting me on the side of my ribs instead. I didn't feel it, the panic inside of me made me numb to everything else._

_After what felt like hours I was finally free. I kicked open the door and crawled out on wobbling knees. The air around the car was filled with smoke and the stench of gasoline was even stronger than before._

_I looked at Jon, not sure of what to do. I had never been so scared in my life. I was unharmed, aside from the fresh knife wounds._

_“Go get help, Candy Cane,” Jon’s voice was so low that I barely hear him. He looked in my eyes, with tears running down his face. “I love you, lil’ sis.”_

_“I love you, too.”_

 

_Shame!_

_I am covered, I am covered_

_Shame!_

_I am covered_

 

_I´d made it up to the road when the car exploded, almost knocking me off my feet. The heat scorched my skin, but I felt nothing._

“JONATHAN!!!!!!”

 

 

_Take this away_

_It was just a mistake_

_Save me (I'm a catastrophe)_

_All I do is damage, damage_

_It´s destroying me_

_All I do is damage, damage_

_I´m sick of this misery_

_Damage, damage (Are you even there?)_

_It´s destroying me_

_All I do is damage, damage (Will you answer me?)_

_I´m sick of this misery_

 

Sometimes there is no words, no clever quotes to neatly sum up what happened that day. Sometimes the day just…ends. – Agent Hotchner, Criminal Minds

 

**Thank you for reading**


	7. 6

**'Disclaimer:** (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Red-Shadows** Scene 1 – Jace and Clary

_"Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed."_ G.K. Chesterton

Chapter 6

 

The song Clary was listening to ended and another one followed as I stood outside her door, trying to make myself go inside. A slight smile touched my lips when I heard one of my favorite songs, glad we had that in common. I took a deep breath, twisted the handle, opened the door and went inside. I wasn't prepared for what I found. Clary sat in the middle of the room, with her back to me. She rocked back and forward, her small body shook with dry sobs and there were sheets of paper lying all around her. I picked up one of them and looked at the drawing of a burning car.

The music resonated around us.

I collected the rest of the sketches, looking at them one at a time; the same image was portrayed on all of them except the last one. It was a close-up on the same burning car and in the front-seat was the boy on the walls, fighting to get out. The picture broke my heart.

“Oh my god, Clary,” she flinched at the sound of my voice, like she hadn't been aware that I was there. “I´m sorry I said all that…”

I knelt down in front of her and pulled her towards me.

“Jace…?”

The devastation that was written in every line of Clary's body, in the hoarseness of her voice, in the barely restrained scream that seemed to be just under the surface, was terrifying. She buried her face in the crook of my neck, her whole body trembling with the effort to keep herself from crying.

“Ssh, baby,” I whispered in her ear. “Just let go, okay. I´m here, you can let go now.”

Clary let out a strangled cry and wrapped her arms around me; I stroked her back soothingly and cupped my hand around the back of her head.

The song was reaching its end and it felt like the lyrics spoke everything I felt right then and there;

 

 

_I'm holding on to you_

_I´ll never let go_

_I need you with me as I enter the_

_Shadows_

“Ssh,” I whispered again. “I´m here. I´ll never let go.”

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

I didn't know how much time had passed when I was able to raise my head and look at Jace. I felt exhausted, but at the same time composed and I owed it all to the boy who had his arms around me.

Even though Jace was - in a _very_ small way – partly responsible for my breakdown, he held me in his arms and whispered to me the entire time.

“You okay?” he asked me worriedly.

I thought about it for a little while, then nodded. “Yeah,” my voice was raspy from crying.

“I´m _really_ sorry, Clary,” he said, his eyes locked with mine.

“It´s not your fault,” I reassured him. And it wasn't, how could I blame him for what _I_ done? “Thank you.”

“You're _thanking_ me?” he sounded surprised. “For what?”

“For being here,” I wanted to give something back and remembered that I already owed him. “Close your eyes,” I said shyly.

He raised a puzzled eyebrow, but did as I asked.

I took the hand that rested against my back, lifted my shirt and placed it against the scars on my ribcage.

His breathing became uneven. “Clary what…?”

“I promised to show you my scars,” I said and gently moved his fingers over the jagged edges. I took his other hand and traced the marred skin on my upper arm.

He cursed on an explosive exhale and opened his eyes. His golden eyes bore into mine, but he didn´t ask me any questions, for which I was grateful. Instead he placed a chaste kiss on my arm, shifted slightly, lowered his head and kissed each of the six uneven marks under my shirt.

The feel of his lips and hair against my skin had me panting for air.

“Okay,” his voice was muffled by my shirt.

“Huh?” I asked. My head spun with the close proximity to him, which – as usual – made it nearly impossible to think.

He lifted his head and I moaned in objection.

He chuckled. “I mean _yes_ , Clary.”

I bit my lips while almost drowning in his eyes. Did he mean what I thought he did?

He pulled my lips from my teeth with his thumb and smiled when I gasped. “I want you, Clary. It might make me the world’s biggest pansy, but I´ll take you anyway I can.”

I traced the curve of his mouth with trembling fingers. “It doesn't make you a pansy. It makes you _mine_.”

He nipped at my fingers which caused my heartbeat to pick up. “Oh, yeah?”

I nodded, unable to speak.

Jace slid his hand under my shirt and placed it over my scar. “I like your tattoo, mind if I take a closer look?”

Had it been anyone else I would've probably punched him, but the mixture of lust and utter devotion in Jace’s eyes made it impossible to resist him.

Not that I wanted to. “Okay,” I pulled my tee over my head, silently cursing my plain, white cotton bra.

The only sign that he was as affected as me was the slight hitch in his breathing.

I wanted to twist my fingers in his hair and pull him up to my level so that I could finally kiss him, but I was almost scared too.

I nearly laughed at that. I couldn't believe that I was actually shy. Neither would anyone who ever met me. I never had a problem with flirting and getting what I wanted from guys before.

But it was different with Jace.

He touched the crying angel with tender fingers and then shocked me by leaning closer and trailing his tongue over the design.

“Oh Jace,” it sounded like somewhere between a moan and a sigh.

I debated to show him the tattoo and scars on my wrist, but decided to wait.

“It´s beautiful,” he said with his mouth against my ribs. He peered up at me, “Just like you.”

“Can´t you just kiss me already?” I blushed and waited for him to laugh at me.

I was surprised by the low groan that emanated from him before he crushed his lips against mine. I opened my mouth to deepen the kiss. The warmth of his mouth combined with the dominating flicks of his tongue made me groan deep in my throat. I ran my fingers through his hair, tugging gently on the soft strands. He placed his hand high up on my thigh, just beneath the bottom of my shorts and the other moved from my ribs and covered my breast. My nipple hardened instantly against his palm.

“Clary…are you...? Have you…?” Jace tried to speak between the kisses.

“What?” I panted, my mind empty of everything except him.

“Have you ever…? He tried again.

This time I understood him. “No…” I blushed again and hoped he hadn't noticed.

He sighed against my lips, straightened, placed his hand on my shoulders and rested his forehead against mine.

I felt stupid, like my lack of experience had ruined the moment. His eyes were closed so I had no way of knowing what he was thinking. I felt so ashamed and started pulling away from him, but he held me in place by firming his hold on my shoulders.

“No…” his breath came in short gasps. “Just give me a minute, okay.”

I blushed again and couldn't help but grin when I realized what his problem was. “Oh.”

He chuckled, his breathing slowly returning to normal, “Yeah, _oh_.”

“Then why did you stop?” I asked, both confused and disappointed.

“Baby,” Jace ghosted his lips over mine, but retracted his head when I tried to deepen the kiss, “your first time will _not_ be on the floor in your basement. You deserve better than that.”

I grinned widely, “So there _will_ be a first time?”

He gave me a hard, quick kiss, “Lucy, you can bet your ass there will be.”

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

I woke up in my own bed on Saturday morning with a smile on my face. Even though I only had about four hours of sleep I felt completely rested.

The sunrise lit the sky when I left Clary's house this morning. She asked me if I wanted to spend the night – or _day_ , as it were – but because of the way she made my body hum with just a look, we decided – well, _I_ decided – that would be taking an unnecessary chance. The memory of her sexy pout as we kissed goodbye made me hard.

Izzy and Alec had taken my car, but I didn´t mind. The chilly dawn breeze felt refreshing and everything was in walking distance here.

We exchanged numbers before I left so the first thing I did was to check my phone for any new texts, but had none. I wasn't surprise, Clary was probably still asleep. I would've been too, but the annoying, whiny, alternative rock that came from the adjoining room made it impossible.

I pounded the wall between us. “Izzy, turn that crap _down_!  Beauty sleep actually works for some of us! I´m trying to sleep here!”

That wasn't exactly true, I was wide awake, but she didn't have to know that.

My bedroom door opened and Izzy stepped in, closing it behind her.

“Hey, what're you doing? I could´ve been naked,” I chided her.

“Pfft. Like you got something I haven't seen before?” she brushed me off with a finger wave. “I´ve seen Simon naked lots of times.”

“First of all; _Eww_ , I did _not_ want to know that. Second; I doubt that, I have _a lot_ that he doesn´t.”

“Whatever you say, brother,” Izzy snickered and threw herself on top of my bed. “Now, tell me; how did it go last night?” her eyes gleamed with curiosity.

I hesitated, not knowing how much I could tell them. “Nothing much,” I shrugged. “I apologized to her.”

“Well, that´s a first. Nothing else?” Izzy eyed me skeptically.

“Uh-uh,” I shook my head.

“I´m not sure if I believe you,” she eyed me again, “but I'll let it go for now. So what are we doing tonight?”

I thought about Clary for a moment and her plans with the circle-jerks. “Pandemonium is hosting an open mic night. We could do that.”

“On a Saturday? You sure you wanna suck in front of all those people?” Izzy asked.

“I´m _not_ the one who sucks and who says I´m going on stage with _you guys_? I owed Clary a song, one who showed more accurately how I saw her.

“Keep telling yourself that,” she snickered. Is Clary going to be there?”

“How should I know?” I said, oblivious.

“No reason. I just think you should sing something nicer to her when you get a chance, that´s all,” she smiled at me.

I rolled my eyes at that, when did my siblings start to read my mind? Was I that transparent?

“I thought I would go for a run, wanna join me?” I asked her.

“Do I look like a girl who owns anything to run in? Ask Alec or Si.” Izzy was a good athlete, but was not in to jogging or running.

“Lazy,” I called after her as she left my room and picked up my phone to call Simon.

“ _Hello_?” a sleepy voice answered.

“Simon, wake up!” I half shouted into the phone. We're going running.”

“ _Um, no_ ,” was all he said.

“Come on! It´s a great way to start the day,” I tried to persuade him.

“ _Can´t do it. I´m suffering from Exercise-Induced Anaphylaxis_ ,” Simon stated.

“Forget it, Si. You´re _not_ allergic to exercise,” I laughed at him.

“ _I could be, you don´t know that. Why are you so chipper this morning, anyway? Did anything_ interesting _happen last night?_ I could almost _hear_ him wiggling his eyebrows.

“Nothing happened,” I would stick to that story until Clary told me otherwise. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?”

“ _Pfft, like you don´t know? You went over to my cute neighbor’s house and didn´t come back_. Besides, _we all know about your history with the_ Iceyes.

I growled at him through the phone. I didn't know what made me more mad. That he referred to Clary as one of the _Iceyes_ , or that he called her _cute_.

“ _Did you just growl at me?”_ he sounded baffled.

 _Damn._ “No of course not, don't be stupid,” I changed the subject. “So, are we going running or not?”

“ _Or not,”_ Simon answered. “ _See you later though_.”

I hung up and contemplated going out the window to avoid any questions that Alec might have, but decided against it considering that my room was on the second floor, with a small hillside below it.

I brushed my teeth and washed up before putting on a pair of black sweats and a tight-fitting t-shirt. I managed to escape the house without talking to anyone else.

Instead of running aimlessly, as was the plan, my feet took me in the direction of Simon’s house. I remembered that I still had my backpack there. I snuck in, undetected, grabbed it and left.

I didn't want to just walk up and knock on her door, what if she wasn't alone, so I texted her.

 

 

**{where r u? J}**

 

 

The reply came almost immediately.

 

 

**{Basement! C}**

 

 

I smiled to myself, one-strapped the backpack and walked around the house to knock on the door.

“It´s open!” she hollered.

“Hey Lucy,”  I said as I walked inside. “What're you doing?”

She sat on the mattress with her back against the wall and was only wearing a pair of boy shorts and a sports bra. She didn't make it easy for me. A sketchbook lay open in her lap.

She looked up, smiled at me and gestured to the pad in front of her. “I´m drawing.”

“Yeah? Can I see it?” I hoped it was something happier than last night’s sketches.

“Um… It's kind of personal,” she said and blushed.

I adored the color of her otherwise pale skin and I had thought that watching her drink whiskey was hot.

“You don't have to show me if you don't want to,” I walked up to her and sat down on the floor next to the mattress.

“No it's fine, just… don't make fun, okay,” she gave me the pad but wouldn't look at me.

I didn't know what to expect, but it certainly wasn't my own face staring back at me. It was almost like looking in a mirror, she had captured every detail perfectly. Even the chipped tooth that I got from being pushed headfirst into a locker by Seb the Ass in 7th grade.

“Say something,” she sounded nervous.

“I don't know _what_ to say,” I replied honestly.

“That bad, huh?”

“No! It´s…wow,” I couldn't find the right words, but her brilliant smile told me it was enough. “You should smile like that more often,” I reached out to her and stroked her lips with the tips of my fingers.

“I haven't had many reasons too, in a while,” she shrugged, but leant into my touch.

I wanted to promise her that I would give her many reasons to smile, but that sounded a _little_ too cheesy, so instead I replaced my fingers with my lips in a soft kiss. “Did you sleep well?”

“I did actually,” she smiled again.” How about you?”

“Really good, “ I pushed a stray curl behind her ear. But I had the strangest dream.”

“Oh, what was it about?”

“I dreamt that this totally gorgeous girl asked me to be her boyfriend,” I grinned and kissed her again, a little less soft this time.

She giggled and blushed, “Yeah that _is_ a strange dream. What did you say?”

“No, of course. I already have a girlfriend,” I smirked and kissed her again, letting my tongue wet her bottom lip before pulling away. “Even if it´s a secret.”

“Yeah, about that…I sort of told Maggie about you…us. Was that okay?” she looked a little worried as she waited for my answer.

Until that moment I hadn't realized how much I wanted my friends to know about her and me. “Sure. But doesn´t telling people defeat the whole purpose of keeping it a secret?”

Clary giggled nervously and took my hand in both of hers. “I´ve never really done the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing. Before John died I couldn't imagine being tied down with just one boy and after…I didn´t want to…” she toyed absentmindedly with my fingers.  “After last night though…I really wanted to tell someone…And Maggie is kind of my only friend at the moment.”

“He´ll tell Alec, you know and he will tell Izzy and so on…You okay with that? ”I held my breath as I waited for her to speak.

“Does it mean that I can come by the garage sometime? I would really like to hear you play guitar and sing some more,” she smiled shyly.

“Of course. I would like to sing for you again,” I felt like blushing too, which was just stupid, guys didn’t blush. “This is just stupid,” I said, trying to regain some dignity. “Why is it so awkward between us? It never was before.”

She laughed. “I know, right. Maybe it's just that things are different now.”

“Not really,” I chuckled. “I thought about kissing you from the moment I saw you. The only difference is that now I _can_ ,” I demonstrated by giving her a deep, lingering kiss. I rested my forehead against hers when we came up for air. “Good morning, girlfriend,” I grinned.

Her laugh was a little shaky, “Good morning, _boyfriend_.”

“Are you still going to Pandemonium with the c-jerks tonight?”

“Yup,” popping the p. “That´s the plan. Are you going?”

I nodded. “It´s an open mic night. Usually those only occur on Wednesdays, but once a month they hold them on a Saturday,” I grinned. “I hope to get Alec drunk enough to go up on stage.”

“Alec sings too? Wow, aren't you a talented family.”

I laughed at that. “I wouldn't call what he does singing. It´s more song-meets-rap-meets-something hilarious. But when he only does it when he reaches a certain level of intoxication. He's actually kind of awesome at what he does. But it´s still funny as hell.”

“How's that funny?”

“Alec is usually very quiet. But when he grabs the mic he loses all control over what he says.”

“I would love to see that,” Clary giggled. “Maybe I'll ask Maggie to help out?”

“You do that,” I pulled her close and rested her head against my chest, reveling in the fact that she was mine. “What´s up with calling him Maggie, anyway? Is that what the c-jerks call him?”

“No way,” she burrowed deeper into my shirt. “He would probably kill anyone who tried. He just looked more like a Maggie than a Magnus. He calls me a bunch of different things, so we're even.”

“I wonder if I could get away with calling him that,” I pondered the question, but decided against it. A pissed off Magnus was _not_ something I wanted to see again.

“Jace…” Clary hesitated. “Will it be weird? Tonight I mean. Being there, but not being together.”

“Yeah,” I hated the thought of having her that close, but not being able to kiss or touch her, to show everybody who she belonged to. Possessive, you that´s me. “But we can get together afterwards. You could come by Simon’s and hang out for a while.”

“Yes, that would be great,” she beamed at me.

“So it´s a date,” I took her in my arms and we didn't talk more after that.

 

 

**Thank you for reading**

 


	8. 7

**'Disclaimer:** (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

 

**Red Jumpsuit Apparatus – Seventeen ain't so sweet** Jace sings at open mic night

**Nerds – Bo Burnham** Alec sings at open mic night

 

_The past is our definition. We may stride with good reason to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it. But we will escape it only by adding something better to it. -_ Wendell Berry

 

Chapter 7

 

 

I entered Pandemonium close to nine pm wearing a v-shaped, black skirt that ended below my knees and a white tank with a generous V-neck. I took extra care when I got dressed tonight, wanting to look hot for my boyfriend.

_Boyfriend_

Just thinking that word made me giddy.

I did my usual routine of scouting out the club, but this time I _was_ searching for someone special.

I found Jace at the end of the bar and I walked over to him after checking so none of the _Iceyes_ was nearby. I took a seat, leaving an empty stool between us, but turned slightly sideways, to be close to him anyway. “Hi,” I said and waved to the bartender.

“Hi,” I didn´t look at him but could hear the smile in his voice.

“Screw me if I'm right, but haven’t we met before,” I said, mimicking his words the last time we were here together.

He laughed at the memory. “Does that mean you'll offer to buy me a drink?”

“In your dreams, Blondie,” I snickered, “this girl doesn´t spend money on just anybody.”

“But Lucy, I thought we already established that I'm _not_ just anybody,” he said huskily.

I pursed my lips, pretending to think about it. “I don't remember doing that.”

He leant closer and whispered in my ear, “I´ll have to remind you later.”

His words and the sound of his voice made chills of anticipation run through my body.

“I´ll hold you to that.”

The bartender came up to me and I ordered an Orgasm. The choked sound that came from beside me made me glance in Jace’s direction. “I have to take all the orgasms I can get, my boyfriend decided that he´s gonna be a gentleman,” I explained with a sly smile.

“Baby, the boy of yours is clearly an idiot. I´ll give you _all_ the orgasms you want,” the bartender offered and stared down my cleavage.

Jace growl made me fight to suppress a smile, not entirely succeeding. “Nah, ´s okay. I kinda like the guy.” The possessiveness in Jace’s eyes was a huge turn-on.

_Who would've thought._

“Your loss,” the bartender shrugged and walked over to another customer.

“You're bad Lucy,” Jace said and shook his head at me. “I thought I would have to fight him over you.”

“Aww, really?” I looked straight into his beautiful golden eyes and lost myself in them. “There´s no contest.”

“Better not be,” he pouted. “Fuck, I want to kiss you _so bad_ right now,” he groaned. “But there are eyes _everywhere_ and I have to be on stage in…” he checked his phone, “…two minutes.”

“Meet me in the storage room after?” I winked at him.

“It´s a date,” he brushed his fingers against my lower back, seemingly by accident. “See you soon, Lucy.”

I finished my drink and strolled casually towards the stage. I couldn't wait to hear Jace sing again, I looked around and spotted Alec and Maggie at a table with drinks in their hands and a couple of empty glasses in front of them. I smiled and hoped that meant that Maggie would get his boyfriend drunk enough to sing.

I felt immensely proud when _my_ _boyfriend_ entered the stage, picked up a guitar and grabbed the microphone. “Hi everybody. I´m Jace and I owe someone a song.”

 

 

_Well she never was the best_ __  
yeah at following the trends.  
Stayed one step above the rest,  
And even though it seemed  
Like the world was crashing on her,  
didn't let it hold her down,  
didn't hold her back,  
oh no, woah.

__  
  
Don't worry you'll show them.  
There's a fire in your eyes,  
and I hope you'll let it burn.  
There's a scream in your voice,  
and I hope you will be heard.  
There's a fire in your eyes,  
and I hope you'll let it burn until you're heard, you're heard.

__  
  
Seventeen is just a test,  
yeah and I would recommend,  
that you live with no regrets,  
and even if it seems  
like the world is crashing on you,  
you shouldn't let it hold you down,  
shouldn't hold you back,  
oh no, woah.

__  
  
Don't worry you'll show them.  
There's a fire in your eyes,  
and I hope you'll let it burn.  
There's a scream in your voice,  
and I hope you will be heard.  
There's a fire in your eyes,  
and I hope you'll let it burn until you're heard, you're heard.

__  
  
Relax girl,  
turn down the lights.  
No one can see you shining.  
Relax girl,  
it'll be alright.  
No one can stop you if you try.  
Point of rhythm is to follow it in time,  
to listen to the beating in your mind.  
Remember if you will seek then you shall find.  
Woah.

__  
  
There's a fire in your eyes,  
and I hope you'll let it burn.  
There's a scream in your voice,  
and I hope you will be heard.  
There's a fire in your eyes,

_and I hope you'll let it burn until you're heard, you're heard._

__  
  
There's a fire in your eyes,  
and I hope you'll let it burn.  
There's a scream in your voice,  
and I hope you will be heard.  
There's a fire in your eyes,  
and I hope you'll let it burn until you're heard, you're heard.

I had tears in my eyes when the last note ended… I had no idea that´s how he thought of me. I didn't feel like the strong girl he sang about. But I wanted to be her, for _him_.

I almost ran to the storage room, I couldn't wait to have him hold me.

I didn't have time to close the door before he was in there. I wrapped my arms around him and kicked the door shut behind me. He pressed his mouth against mine. He nibbled at my lips, begging for permission, within seconds his tongue stroked against mine. He tasted like Sprite and something that was just Jace. The warmth of his lips combined with the dominating flicks of his tongue made me groan deep in my throat. My hands moved from his shoulders, down his back, I squeezed his jean-clad ass and grinded my hips against his. He moaned against my mouth and pushed me away.

_Again?_

I gave him a you-got-to-be-kidding-me glare, but he couldn't see it in the dark.

“Fuck Clary, I´m trying to treat you right. What you´re doing is _not_ helping,” he panted.

“Maybe I don't want you to,” I scowled at him.

“Yeah? But you deserve _better_ , all right. Just…let's just take it slow. _Please_.”

This was just stupid. Girls whined _all the time_ that guys was only after one thing and her I was, getting mad because he _wasn´t_.

_Idiot._

“Fine,” I said, beyond frustrated.

He chuckled. “You're something else, you know that?”

“Uh-Huh,” I giggled. “Toby tells me that all the time.”

“Are you _trying_ to piss me off?” Jace sounded annoyed. “This isn't exactly easy for me either.”

“I kinda wish that you _were_ easy,” I pouted.

_Lay off._

“Clary,” he groaned. “You're _killing_ me, here.”

“Sorry, baby,” I apologized, actually feeling bad for what I did to him. I felt around for him, took a firm grip of his shirt and pulled him towards me for a quick kiss. “I have to go back to the others.”

“I don't want you to go,” he sounded resigned.

“I know, but we'll see each other later,” I kissed him again and walked out to the club.

I ordered another drink – thankfully from some other bartender – and went searching for the _Iceyes_.

“Clary!” Aline screeched and hugged me.

_Ugh!_

“Hi…you,” I had a bunch of other more colorful words at the tip of my tongue, but decided against it.

“Did you hear that _foster_ sing?” she asked and looked around the place in search of Jace.

_He has a name, you fucked-up, brain-dead bimbo._

“Um yes,” I answered, but wanted to scratch her eyes out for even looking at _my_ boy .

 “I wonder who he was singing to.”

Me _, that’s who!_

“Dunno. Could be anybody.”

“Um…” she bit her lip, still scanning the room. “Do you think it could´ve been me?”

_Hell no!_

“Sure,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Yeah, I think so too,” she smiled slyly at me. I wanted to strangle her.

I had to get away from her, it would be too difficult to explain why I tore her freaking hair from her scalp.

I planted myself at the bar and ordered tequila.

“What did Aline say to you?” Magnus came up to me.

I went through the whole routine with the salt and lime before answering him. “I don't know _what_ you're talking about.”

“I saw you talking to her and now you're here, drowning your ‘sorrows’,“ air-quotes, “in tequila. I know very well that you hate it and I also know that you always drink it when you're upset. So…What did that bitch say?” I could see from the look in his eyes that he wasn't giving up.

_Well, aren't we perceptive today._

“She thinks that Jace was singing to her,” I scoffed

“Yeah, I bet the rest of them think the same thing.”

I didn't say anything, just took another shot.

“Why didn't you tell her that it was about you?” he asked.

“I can´t. It´s…complicated.” I licked my hand, swallowed and bit into the lime.

_Yuk_

“It always is, Clare-bear. It always is.”

Our conversation was interrupted by Alec’s voice.

“I´m Alec and I got something to say.”

 

 

_I´m a faggot_

_I´m a retard_

_I got a girl's bag and a v-card_

_I got three friends and a whack ass ride_

_You can judge the cover_

_Cuz it's shitty on the inside_

_No girls wanna fuck me, trust me_

_I don't give a fuck, don't adjust me_

_Just please shut your face for just one second_

_*fuck you faggot you´re so fucking dumb*_

_Dumb? I´m the dumb one?_

_Calm down Alec, count to ten, um_

_One, two, three, whore – I mean four, shit_

_Three, four, five, bitch – I mean six, shit_

_I quit. I got no patience, you won, I´ll face it_

_Your life peaks at graduation_

_Well congratu-fuckning-lations_

_Nerds_

_The faggots_

_The spastic fat chicks who_

_Sit in the back with no one to do their lab with_

_The (nerds)_

_Kid with acne_

_And tons of proactive_

_Packed inside his backpack_

_I got your back kid_

_Do you know, kid, why I can rap so mean?_

_Cuz I was reading when you were fucking the prom queen_

_Huddle up reading, no lacrosse team_

_Huddle up, huddle up_

_What? You lost me_

_Sorry bro did I interrupt the_

_Circle of jerks all circle jerks_

_I need savin’, no fuck no_

_Quoth the Raven, no fuck Poe_

_Ah shit, I'm bitchin’ listening_

_They don´t know what they're missing for instance_

_I like poetry. I like instruments_

_Maybe we have similar interests?_

_It's no Fall balls, no balls fall_

_Sit and scrawl on the stall walls_

_3 pm I pause_

_*bell rings*_

_That shit sounds like applause_

_Nerds (chorus x 2)_

_The faggots_

_The spastic fat chicks who_

_Sit in the back with no one to do their lab with_

_The (nerds)_

_Kid with acne_

_And tons of proactive_

_Packed inside his backpack_

_I got your back, kid_

_She stood in line and got cut_

_Tried out, got cut_

_Loved art, but the budget got cut_

_Then she got numb and she only felt_

_When she knelt and cut_

_Nerds_

_The faggots_

_The spastic fat chicks who_

_Sit in the back with no one to do their lab with_

_The (nerds)_

_Kid with acne_

_And tons of proactive_

_Packed inside his backpack_

_I got your back kid_

_I know it's bad, kid_

_I got your back, kid_

I stared in awe at the boy who jumped off the stage and walked towards us. Even though parts of his act hit little too close to home – I had to fight the urge to rub my wrists together, something I´d done in the beginning when I stopped cutting myself – had it been truly amazing.

“Wow, Maggie. I think I just fell in love with your boyfriend.”

He made a hissing noise and mimicked a cat-scratch. “Stick to your own, Carrot Top.”

We laughed.

I looked around until I met a golden gaze. “Oh, I will,” I smiled, “I definitely will.”

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

I waited until the parking lot was empty before driving off to catch up with Clary. Since she was walking that didn't take too long.

I rolled down my window and stuck out my head. “Do you want a ride?”

She smiled at me and shook her head. “No thanks. I´m good. I´ll see you in a bit, okay.”

Magnus, who sat behind me, smacked me over the head.

“Hey, what was that about?” I turned around and glared at him but he just raised his eyebrows at me. “Oh yeah. Shit,” I totally forgot that she didn't like cars. “I´ll walk with you,” I said to Clary and got out of the car.

“Hey, we've been drinking. None of us can drive,” Izzy protested.

I noticed that Clary stiffened beside me, but thought nothing of it.

“Simon’s sober, right?” They all stared at me. “Come on, how much trouble can he get into on this short drive?”

I could think of a number of things and cringed internally at the thought of him behind the wheel, but I wanted to spend some time with my girl.

“Absolutely,” Simon didn't have to be asked twice. He was out of the backseat in the blink of an eye and jumped in on the driver side. “See ya,” he started the car and drove off.

I wanted to hold her hand again, but wasn't sure if that would be okay. We started walking slowly back to town but only got a few steps before she took my hand in hers and entwined our fingers together.

She was a little unsteady on her feet and I laughed. “Are you _drunk,_ Lucy?”

“I just drank a few shots of tequila,” she said it like it meant something significant and I wished I knew what.

I wanted to know everything about her. What made her sad, what made her smile and most importantly what made her cry out my name.

Well, I am a guy. So sue me.

“I'm kinda mad at you, you know,” she said in a normal tone.

“What? Why?”

“After we left the storage room, every single one of your old _lovers_ walked up to me and asked if I thought the song was about them,” she sounded pissed. “Hence, the tequila.”

“I´m sorry?” I made it sound like a question on purpose. Honestly, I was glad that I wasn't the only one who was jealous.

She huffed but didn't say anything else.

I stroked her knuckles with my thumb. “You don't have to be jealous, babe,” I kissed her gently on the cheek.

She huffed again, but did nothing to hide her smile. “I wanted to go all _Freddy Krueger_ on their asses,” she confessed and blushed.

“I would  _love_ to see that,” I chuckled. “At least you have better self-control than I do. I _did_ punch Toby, remember.”

She laughed. “ _That_ ´s why you did that?”

“I didn't like it when he touched you,” I admitted sheepishly.

“Me neither,” she laughed again.

I became serious. “This isn't going to be easy.”

She didn't pretend that she didn't know what I was talking about. “No.”

I untangled my hand from hers and wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her closer. I couldn't get enough of the feeling of her body against mine. “We'll manage though, right?”

“Yeah,” she smiled at me. “It´s not like we're at the same places most of the time.”

I frowned. “Except when school starts in a month.”

“I got an idea,” Clary rested her head against my shoulder. “How about we promise to tell each other something new every day. Something not everybody knows about.”

“Like what?” I asked, teasingly. “That I like my eggs scrambled?”

“Very funny,” she grumbled. “Something _personal_. That you wouldn't tell just anyone.”

I nodded. “I like that idea,” I pulled her to a stop. We could almost see Simon’s house and I wanted a few more minutes alone with her. “Here's one; you are my first _real_ girlfriend, and the only one I ever wanted to call _mine_.”

“Oh,” she smiled at that. “Does being happy about that make me a bitch?”

I laughed and kissed her on the tip of her cute nose. “A little bit perhaps. Your turn.”

“Well, you´re the only one who knows about me being a virgin. Can that count for now?”

“Sure,” I kissed her again, on her lips this time. “Ready to keep going?”

“Is there any tequila?” she looked hopeful.

“Seriously, what's up with you and tequila?” I laughed.

“It´s stupid,” she blushed.

“Come on, tell me,” I ghosted my lips across hers over and over again, making each kiss last a little longer and mumbled “tell me” between them.

“Okay, okay,” her laugh was a little shaky. “It´s really not that interesting. The first time I drank tequila I was hung-over for three days and swore to _never_ drink it again. But, whenever I get upset about something, tequila is the only thing that calms me down.”

“And you're pissed off that some girls thought a song was about them?” I raised an eyebrow at the exaggeration.

“Well, _that_ …” she scowled, “and I hate the fact that they've seen you naked.”

“Aww baby,” how could jealousy be cute? “Believe me when I say that seeing you with your clothes _on_ do a hell of a lot more for me than seeing them with theirs _off_.” I assured her.

“Doesn´t change the fact that I haven't seen you like that,” she pouted.

“Can you _please_ keep your mind of sex tonight? Do that and I promise you all the tequila you can stomach.”

She pretended to think about it, smiled and took my hand in hers again. “Come on, Blondie. _Show me the tequila_.”

GH

 

 

Simon and Izzy looked expectantly at us when we walked in. I had wondered if she would let go of my hand before we got inside. She didn´t. It felt awesome.

“I´m glad to say that you didn't fool anyone with the _nothing happened_ crap,” Izzy greeted us in her usual blunt manner. “Otherwise you might have given poor Simon here a heart attack with that whole…” she gestured at our hands “… _thing_ ”

“Yeah, yeah,” was all I said as I sat in an empty arm chair, pulled Clary down on my lap and wrapped my arms around her.

Damn, this feels _so good_ , I thought to myself.

“Ahem,” Clary cleared her throat and twisted around so that she was straddling me. “I think you promised me something.”

“Sorry Lucy,” I grinned apologetically. “Si, get some tequila.”

“I´m not your errand boy, Jace.” Simon scowled at me. “And why do you keep calling her Lucy?”

“Jace thinks I'm the devil,” Clary giggled.

Simon’s eyes practically bugged out of their sockets. “That´s…sweet,” it didn't sound like he meant it.

“That's _not_ sweet,” Izzy interjected, “But I like it,” she smiled at us. “Come on Si, let's get the lovebirds tequila.”

They left us alone for the short time it would take them to fetch salt, liquor and lime, which wasn't nearly long enough, but that didn't stop us from taking advantage of every second.

We were both panting when the returned.

“You guys are gross,” Izzy chided us.

“We weren't doing anything,” I grinned.

“Whatever, she huffed, “you know you have a whole house next door, right? Or is this an exhibitionist thing?”

Clary reached for a glass of tequila, the salt shaker and a wedge of lime. She placed the lime in my mouth – conveniently preventing me from answering –licked my palm – which made me moan – poured the salt, licked again – another moan – swallowed the pale yellow liquid and bit down on the lime in my mouth. “We can´t go to my house, because Jace wants to be a gentleman,” she made her feelings about that perfectly clear in both the sound of her voice and the expression of her face.

This time I _knew_ I blushed.

Simon fell off the couch from laughing so hard, but froze when he saw the look in Clary's eyes. “Wait, what?” You´re fucking _serious_?”

I scoffed at him.

“Yup, “ Clary popped the p. “He´s _serious_ about _not_ fucking me,” she complained.

“Who _are_ you?” Simon looked shaken.

“What?” I scowled at him. “Maybe I´m trying to do the right thing here. But someone…” I tickled the girl in my lap which made her wiggle her ass against my semi-erection “…is making it hard to do that.”

“Yeah, I can feel that,” she giggled and wiggled some more.

“No, none of that,” Simon wagged his finger at us. “If you can't behave, Clary, go and sit somewhere else.”

The throaty  laugh that came out of her was by far the sexiest sound I´d heard. “I better do as he says, baby,” she kissed me before getting to her feet and sitting down on the chair next to mine. “Happy now?” she asked him.

“Yes, ecstatic,” he said, turned to me and snickered at the expression on my face. “You okay there, Jace?”

I ignored him and watched Clary go through a couple of more shots. That girl could hold her liquor. Hot. I could almost feel it in my palm when she licked her own skin.

Alec and Magnus arrived.

“What´s up, bitches?” Magnus asked and threw himself down on the only empty chair, dragging Alec with him.

“Maggie,” Clary beamed at him. “Your boyfriend is incredible. You should've seen their faces when they came over to me,” she giggled. “ _Priceless_.”

“Yeah,” Magnus gave the embarrassed Alec a chaste kiss and turned to look at the table in front of Clary. “Tequila again?” he glare at me. “What did you _do_?”

I raised my hands in defense. “Hey, I haven't done _anything_.”

“He really hasn't, Maggie,” she came to my rescue. “It´s just some leftovers from the club.”

“Why do I always feel completely clueless when Clary is here,” Simon huffed. “It´s like you're speaking a totally different language than the rest of us.”

“You´re always clueless, Si,” I chuckled and reached out for Clary's hand. “You have to be more specific.”

“The whole we-have-history-but-no-one-else-knows-anything argument you two got into yesterday, for starters. Than you nickname your…girlfriend?” I nodded, “ yeah, girlfriend after the devil and now it's apparently a whole story about tequila, that even Magnus knows about. What gives?” Simon asked, exasperated.

“You call her Satan?” Magnus asked and gave Clary an once-over. “Fitting. I´ll might use that one myself.”

“Call me that _one_ time,” she poked him on his arm, and I´ll make sure that _the whole town_ calls you Maggie by the time school starts.”

He glared at her, but kept his mouth shut. I could learn a lot when it came to dealing with people from her.

“I don´t call her Satan, Magg…nus,” I corrected myself when I saw the threat in his cat-like eyes. “I call her Lucy,  and it's not because she's the devil. It´s because of her last name.”

“Morgenstern means Morningstar,” Clary explained when seeing their blank stares.

“Okay, that explains the name,” Simon admitted. “But what about yesterday? And the tequila?”

“I've noticed that Sunflower over there,” he nodded at her, “only drinks tequila when she's mad about something or _someone_ ,” he eyed me suspiciously.

“He _really_ didn't do anything,” she patted him soothingly on his knee, ”I'm still pissed off at the _Iceyes_ for the way they acted tonight and the fact that they all have seen my boyfriend naked….” she scoffed “… and I haven´t.”

“Lucy…” The warning was clear in my voice. It was difficult enough without her bringing it up every two seconds. She made _me_ sound like I was the virgin here.

“I´m sorry,” Clary sounded remorseful. “I'll stick with my tequila and be quiet.”

The nearly unnoticeable tremble to her bottom lip made me feel like an ass. She´d been drinking. All her feelings were heightened.

Parts of me wanted to just get it over with. Drag her over to her house and fuck her in every possible way. But I _couldn´t_. This was Clary, the only girl I´d ever…

Yeah, let´s not go there.

“Just promise you'll play nice,” I tugged on her arm to get her close enough to give her a kiss, “and I'll promise to… be nice to Simon for the rest of the night.” I glanced at my friend with a smirk.

“ _Please_ Clary,” Simon begged. “Just for the night. No _Simon do this_ or _Simon get that_ for a couple of hours.”

“Yeah, Clary,” Alec laughed where he sat snuggled up with his boyfriend. “Do this for poor Simon.”

Clary giggled, cocked her head to the side and looked into Simon’s pleading eyes. “Who can say no to that face.”

I raised my hand. “I could.”

“So much for that promise,” Simon muttered.

“Oh no, she hasn't agreed to it yet,” I looked deep into her green eyes. “So what do you say Lucy?”

“Okay, I promise to stop getting you to have sex with me…for the night,” she smiled slyly.

Magnus leant over Clary and appeared to be staring at my crotch.

“Alec, tell your boyfriend to keep his eyes of my dick,” I shifted uncomfortably in my chair.

“I just had to make sure you still had one. Because you act like a pussy,” he snickered.

Everybody laughed at my expense and I let them have at it. Izzy put on some music and soon we all sat talking and laughing together. Clary stopped drinking tequila and stuck to Coke instead. I just sipped my beer, not wanting to ruin the time I had with her by being too drunk.

Clary started singing along to Good Charlotte – We Believe. She had a pretty nice voice, a little untrained as if she didn´t use it often. Another thing I hadn't known about her.

“Clary, wanna go to brunch at Taki´s with us tomorrow?” Izzy asked.

It had become somewhat of a Sunday tradition during the summer.

“Um, I can´t,” she looked uncomfortable. “I have plans with the _Iceyes_. We're supposed to meet at Java’s at lunch.”

“Oh,” Izzy’s smile slipped a little. “Maybe next time?”

“Yeah, sure,” Clary’s smile didn't reach her eyes.

It was obvious to everybody that the good mood was ruined and soon Clary stated that she was tired and wanted to go home.

I walked her to her front door. She pulled me against her and kissed me with a desperation that I´d never felt before.

“Please, Jace,” she said with her lips against mine. “Stay with me.”

“Clary…” I hesitated. I really wanted to, but it was too soon .

“Please. We would just sleep.”

Didn't she understand what a struggle it was to turn her down all the time?

“I just want to hold you,” she said when I remained quiet. “I´m not ready to let you go yet.”

My resolve faltered when I looked into her beautiful eyes. My thoughts drifted to the narrow mattress in her room and wondered how the hell I would be able to keep my hands to myself.

“I have a room upstairs,” she pointed at one of the windows on the second floor. “It has a king-size bed in it, we don't have to touch if you don't want to.”

The insecurity in her voice made up my mind. I picked up my phone and texted Izzy.

 

 

**{Take the car. Taki´s at 11 ~J}**

 

 

I stood behind her as she unlocked the door and followed her inside.

 

**Thank you for reading**

 

 


	9. 8

**'Disclaimer:** (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Nause – Hungry Hearts** Clary’s workout

**Red – Release the panic** When Clary comes home from Java’s

_I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love_. –  Mother Teresa

Chapter 8

 

I woke up alone the next morning. The pillow beside me still held the warmth from Jace’s body, so I knew he couldn't have been gone long. I stretched and reached to the nightstand for my phone to check the time. There was a note on top of it.

 

Hope I'll see you later. x J

 

I smiled as I read it and realized that for the first time in two years I'd slept through the whole night, without waking up screaming and covered in sweat from a nightmare. It felt amazing.

Almost as amazing it felt to fall asleep next to Jace with his arms around me.

I checked the time and found that I had two hours to spare before I had to be at Java’s.

I decided to go ‘break-in’ my new punching bag. Usually I only went at it when I needed to control the feelings inside of me, but it was great exercise and it would probably make me calm enough to stand the company of the _Iceyes_.

I got down to the basement and started the music. I always hated it when my parents had to get me a new punching bag. They were too stiff, the leather to rough and the sound was all wrong. Instead of the calming _smack_ all I got was a muted _thud_. I was glad I didn't break them too often.

I took a hot shower afterwards and wrapped my hair and body in a towel. I was still mad at Aline and the other girls – and a little at Jace too – so I didn't spend any energy in picking out my clothes. I settled on an old thread bare Sex Pistols tee and a pair of black yoga pants. My bracelet and my favorite converse completed the outfit.

I took my time while walking to the diner. It wasn't like I was in a hurry to get there. It used to be my thing, being late to everything, so why change now?

I felt like I was ready to explode even before I entered Java´s. I couldn't get the pictures of them naked with Jace out of my head. I knew that it was crazy, but I couldn't help it, it drove me insane.

I was the last to arrive as usual, but today I refused to settle for the only available seat. I wanted to sit as close to the door as possible, for the easy exit I was sure I would need, so I walked up to Kaelie and glared at her until she got to her feet and moved to the empty seat in front of Toby. I sat down and found myself face to face with Aline.

_Fucking perfect._

“Good morning, Clary,” Aline sounded happy to see me.

_Well, that makes_ one _of us._

“We can order now that you are here,” she beamed at me and signaled to the waitress. I wasn't hungry and couldn't stand the thought of one of the revolting coffee-drinks they tried to cram down my throat so I decided on an apricot-plum smoothie with wildflower honey.

“Did you hear the _freak_ that pretended to rap, yesterday?” she asked when our orders arrived.

I just shrugged and stirred the smoothie with my straw.

“Who does he think he _is_?” she sounded outraged.

I gave her a look so full of contempt that she fidgeted nervously in her seat, but she continued speaking.

“How dare he talk about us like that?” the others around us hummed in agreement.

I said nothing, just sipped on my smoothie. The fruity mixture made me feel nauseous.

“I can't believe that he has the nerve to show himself outside of that disgusting place they always hang out in,” Aline ranted. “It´s not like we want to see that ugly face of his.”

I spaced out. My mind was flooded by images of Jace and Aline, Jace and Kaelie, Jace and Emma, Jace and anybody else he´s ever been with. It made me sick to my stomach to think about all the things he had done with them. I knew that my jealousy was unwarranted, but the green eyed monster inside my head wouldn't shut up.

Every time he told me that he wanted to wait, all I heard was that I wasn´t sexy enough for him. Maybe that was the problem? Maybe he _liked_ me and all that, but he had to work up to _wanting_ me.

I was about to get up and walk home when their conversation caught my attention.

“…take care of him,” Kaelie’s laugh seemed to bounce around in my head.

What were they talking about? They couldn´t mean…?

“Hey, one of my brother’s friend is a mechanic,” Aline said and continued with laughter in her voice, “he knows how to make it look like an accident.” The others giggled at her twisted joke.

Something snapped inside of me and I saw red.

I reached over the table, took a firm hold on the collar of Aline’s shirt and yanked her towards me.

“You should learn to take a joke as easily as you take dick, _whore_ ,” I pushed her away from me as hard as I could, got up from my seat so fast that the chair fell to the floor and stalked out of there.

_How_ could _they joke about something like_ that _?_

I walked so fast that I was almost running as soon as the door closed behind me.

I had to get home. I could feel the panic attack breathing down my neck. I had to get _inside_ before it hit me. I could hear the poorly built wall inside me crack from the pressure.

I almost cried with relief when I saw my house in the distance. Just another minute and I would be safe in the basement. I stumbled when a car pulled up outside of Simon’s house and Jace and the others got out. A gorgeous smile spread across his face when he spotted me.

_I can't see him right now!_

“No, not _you_ ,” I didn't realize that I spoke out loud until I saw the flash of hurt in his eyes. He took a few steps towards me but I was on my yard now and could almost taste the sanctuary it presented. “Not now Jace! Stay _away_ from me!” I screamed at him as I reached my door and slammed it shut behind me.

I bit my lip so hard that I tasted blood. The panic made it hard to breathe. My hands shook so badly, I could hardly turn on the music, never mind tape up my hands.

When I cranked up the volume I could feel some of the tension leave my body. What I suffered from might not be the average panic attacks people read about, but according to my old therapist, it was exactly what it was. And I only knew of one way to take care of it.

Everything around me faded the moment my fist connected with the leather. The pictures in my mind were not as easy to get rid of. But now they wasn´t just of Jace with others, the memories of the car crash resurfaced again but this time it wasn't only Jon´s name I screamed.

_Alec_!

The images of Jon and Alec were combined, so that I couldn’t distinguish the reality of the past from the horrific visions that Aline’s _joke_ created.

I hit and kicked the punching bag in front of me with such rage that I didn´t feel when the skin of my knuckles split and started to bleed. It wasn't until I saw the reddish stains forming on the pale beige leather that I realized I was wounded, but I didn´t stop. I couldn´t.

I thought I heard someone shout my name, but I tuned it out and continued to punch and kick almost frantically.

Not even the strong arms that wrapped themselves around my waist and held me against a warm muscular chest stopped me.

Jace hollered my name again, but I kept ignoring him and kicked out with my foot, but connected with nothing but air.

I felt the mattress under my back as he threw me on it and pinned me down with his own body. He tangled his legs with mine and held my arms over my head with a firm grip.

I trashed wildly under him but couldn't get free.

 “Clary. Clary. Clary. Clary!” the last time he said my name was so loud that he finally got through to me.

My teeth chattered so hard that I could barely speak. “Le...t m…e.. g…o Ja…ce,” I forced the words out of my mouth, but wasn't sure if he understood me.

“Never, Clary,” his voice was hoarse from shouting.

“Ple…as…e,” I begged and continued to struggle. He wasn't supposed to see me like this.

He let go of my arms with one of his hands and wiped my wet cheeks. I hadn´t been aware that I was crying.

He put his lips to my ear and whispered. “Talk to me.”

But I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to _feel_. Anything besides the guilt and panic that crashed down on me. I burrowed my head against his neck and started nibbling on the sensitive skin there.

“Clary, what are you doing?”

I didn't answer, just kissed my way up his neck and twisted my hips. He was distracted by what I was doing with my lips so I had no problem in untangling my legs. I wrapped them around his waist and grinded myself against him. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair but he still held my hands over my head.

I was encouraged by the groan that reverberated throughout his body.

“Clary, you have to stop,” he said without conviction.

“You don't want me to stop,” I nibbled on his ear, he finally turned his head and our lips met.

_Yes_!

He released his hold on my wrists and I didn't waste any time. I tugged at his shirt and pulled it over his head. I raked my nails over his back and hissed with need when he pushed his hips against me and I could feel how hard he was.

“Jacc Eeee,” I moaned when his hands covered my breasts on top of my shirt. “Fuck me,” I whispered against his lips.

He stiffened immediately and started to pull away from me.

_No_!

I tried to hold on to him, but he was much stronger. He stood up and looked at me, his eyes dark with desire and…anger?

_What the…?_

“Damn Clary!” he panted. “When are you going to get it through your head? I don't want to _fuck_ you!”

I felt the rejection like a slap to my face. “Glad we had this talk, you can go now,” my voice was raw with hurt. I wanted him to go before I started to cry.

He was in front of me before I had the chance to blink, he took my face in between his hands and looked deep into my eyes. “I want more from you than just sex,” he said but I just shook my head at him – not easy when his hands held my firmly in place – I was tired of his excuses. He didn't want me and I needed him to leave. _Right now_.

“I want to get to know you better before rushing into anything. Why can't you see that?”

The fragile hold I had over myself shattered to a million pieces. Do you want to get to know me?!” I yelled. “Well, here is something you don´t know,” my breath caught and I felt fresh tears trickling down my cheeks. “It´s my fault Jon is dead.”

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

_“It´s my fault Jon is dead.”_

Clary’s words didn't shock me as much as they should. Yes, I was a little surprised. But I knew something devastating happened to her. I´d seen the pain in her eyes that she worked so hard to mask and this was the second time I witnessed her breakdown.

“Please elaborate,” I said calmly. I had no idea why she thought she was responsible for her brother’s death, but I didn't believe at all.

Clary was so pale that she resembled a ghost more than the funny, beautiful, infuriating, sexy, stubborn girl I knew.

She was breathing heavily where she stood, mere inches in front of me. She was quiet for so long that I thought she wouldn't say anything. I opened my mouth to ask for an explanation again when she started talking.

“I was fifteen. One of Jon’s friends was throwing a huge end-of-school party at his parents’ house. I begged him for weeks to let me come with him, but he kept refusing. Which was understandable, what nineteen years old want to have his kid sister at a party when he knew that there would be alcohol flowing like water,” she shrugged and her voice held no emotions whatsoever. But the anguish in her eyes told a different story.

“He knew I had been drunk before, I can´t even remember how many times I´d called him in the middle of the night and asked him to come get me from a party somewhere,” Clary eyed me expectantly as if she waited for me to judge her.

I would never do that, there was a reason why I never got completely drunk, after all.

“He finally caved the night before the party and I was ecstatic, of course. He sat me down to establish some _rules_ , but I didn't pay attention to anything he said. All I could think about was what to wear, how jealous my friends would be and that this was my chance to do _it_. You see, I had recently decided that it was time for me to _swipe my v-card_ and what better place to do that than a college party, right?” she laughed bitterly at the memory.

“I dressed for the glorious occasion in thigh high nylon stockings, a black leather skirt that ended above my knees and a black sleeveless shirt that left my midriff bare. To say that I looked like a two-dollar whore would be putting it nicely. I completed the outfit with a pair of black leather booths with four-inch heels,” she shook her head at the memory.

“Lucky for me it had been raining during the day so I descended the stairs wearing my rain-coat, because I knew very well that Jon would throw a fit if I tried to leave the house dressed like that. Maybe that would've been better than the disappointment in his eyes when I removed the coat at the party. But did I feel guilty?” she asked rhetorically. “Of course not. I called him whiny tossed my hair over my shoulder with the confidence that came from being on the top.”

Her eyes became unfocused and I was worried that she would pass out.

“I had never seen him that angry before, I expected him to start yelling at me. But he just told me that I was not to leave his side. His voice was so cold that I shivered. He dragged me over to a couch and sat down beside me. He accepted a beer from one of his friends but refused to let me drink anything other than soda.”

She clenched and unclenched her fists and waited for her to keep going.

“I was furious at him. How dared he treat me like a kid? Most of the guys kept away from me after receiving threatening glares from Jon, but there was _one_ exception. His name was Alex and he was the hottest boy I´d ever seen. He didn´t knew Jon, so he didn't care what he thought. He came by and talked to me several times during the evening and each time he would wink at me and slip me a little something. Vodka, rum, you name it. He called it _our little secret_. Jon wasn't oblivious to what was going on, but Alex kept him occupied by enlisting some girls to entertain him. The only time my brother left my side was to go to the bathroom, but he always got one of his friends to _watch over me_. But as the night progressed and everybody was starting to get wasted they were easily distracted. Alex even convinced Jon’s best friend to let _him_ keep an eye on me and that wasn't _all_ he kept on me. It didn't take us long to find an empty bedroom. He started kissing me the moment the door closed behind us. The kisses were wet and sloppy and he plunged his tongue so far down my throat that I thought he wanted to taste what I had for breakfast. But he was so hot that I didn´t care. I was more turned on by the fact that an attractive, older guy wanted _me_ , then by the guy himself,” her self-hatred was seeping through every pore in her body.

I wanted desperately to hold her, kiss her, and tell her everything would be all right. But I knew doing so would cause her to seize up, unable to finish telling me the story that would allow me to help her.

“He pulled his shirt over his head and all but dragged me towards the bed, he wasn't rough or anything and I was willing enough. He lay on top of me and had his hands up my skirt when the door crashed open and a murderous Jon stalked inside. He picked up Alex like he weighed nothing and threw him against the wall. I yelled at him to calm down and to stay out of my business but he wouldn't listen. He grabbed me by the arm and took me out of the house to his car.” I listened with wide eyes as Clary told me everything else that happened that night. The fact that she even survived the crash seemed to be a miracle in itself, but to live with that kind of guilt for two years…

I always knew she was strong, but I had no idea _how much_.

When she finished speaking she was trembling so badly that I had to force myself not to touch her. I knew I had to tread carefully or I could lose her completely and not just to the panic I saw when she beat her hands bloody against the punching bag.

I took her hands in mine and gently touched her bruised knuckles with my thumbs. She didn't flinch and I realized that even though her body was here, her mind was back at the time of the crash.

I spoke to her as softly as I could. “Clary?” No reaction. “Baby?” Still nothing. I tried again, “Lucy?” this time her eyes met mine.

“Jace?” she looked confused, like she forgot that I was there.

“You're hurt, Lucy,” my fingers brushed her knuckles again and she released a pained hiss. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” I tugged gently on her arm and she followed up the two stairs in a daze. I found some antiseptic ointment in her bathroom cabinet and I stroked it carefully over her now swollen hands after cleaning them off with soap and hot water and wrapped them up in bandages that I doused with hydrogen peroxide. She didn't say a single word while I was taking care of her and her silence was starting to freak me out.

I didn't know what the best way to deal with this was. Did she have anything in common with Izzy who would devour buckets of ice cream when she was sad? Somehow I doubted that. I knew Clary craved tequila when she was upset, but could this count? I decided to text Izzy and ask her to bring me all the tequila they had and saw that I had a text from her waiting for me.

 

 

**{What happened? She ok?  ~I}**

 

 

I had forgotten that Izzy and Alec heard the way she screamed at me when we drove up. I had no idea what set her off but something big must have triggered it.

 

 

**{Need tequila or anything else you might have ~J}**

 

 

**{Be right there. ~I}**

 

 

I carried Clary to her bed and put her down as gingerly as I could.

“I´ll be right back, Lucy,” I kissed her softly on her forehead and walked down the stairs to wait for my sister outside. I didn't want our voices to disturb Clary.

I barely had time to close the door before she was there. She handed me a bottle of tequila and one of vodka. “Here, we raided Si’s mom’s liquor cabinet. I hope this helps.

“Yeah, thanks Iz. I hope so too.”

She looked me up and down, her dark eyes missing nothing. “Oh my god, is that _blood_?” she whisper-shouted. “Jace what _happened_?”

“Calm down, Iz. It´s not mine.” I told her as little as possible to appease her. “I have to get back to her.” I said as I finished. I didn't want to be away from her any longer.

“Yeah, of course,” she gave me quick hug. “Call if you need anything.”

I took the stairs two at the time when I went back inside of Clary’s house. She was sitting up in the middle of her bed and some of the color had returned to her face.

“How are you feeling?” I sat down beside her but kept my distance, letting her come to me if she wanted.

I sighed with relief when she scooted over and leaned her head against me.

“I don't know,” she sounded exhausted but her eyes never left mine. “How come you're still here? Now that you know what I did…?”

I placed my hands on her shoulder and shook her gently. “Lucy, there is no place I rather be,” I hoped she could hear the truth in my voice.  “I´m sorry about what happened to your brother and you, I _really_ am, but it.was.not.your.fault,” I punctuated every word with a fierceness that I hoped would get through to her.

“How can you say that?” she looked incredulous. “He wouldn't have gotten behind the wheel if it wasn't for me.”

I took her bandaged hands in mine and made sure that she looked me straight in the eyes. “You were just a kid,” she looked ready to object, “ _Yes_ you were. You were only fifteen and he was four years older than you. _He_ should have known better than to drive while intoxicated. God, it could´ve just as easily been _you_ who died,” I closed my eyes when I was hit by the thought of never knowing her.

“But he wanted to get me out of there,” she exclaimed. “What else was he supposed to do?”

I put my hands up. “ _Anything_ else. You could´ve walked, called a cab, even called your parents. Was it smart what you did? Of course not. Should you have done something differently? Probably. But it was _not your fault_.”

“Okay,” she sounded sincere, but I could see the doubt in her eyes.

“I know you don't believe me right now, but I will make sure that you do one day,” I cupped my hands around her face and wiped away the last remaining tears. “Now, can I _please_ hold you?”

She hesitated for a few excruciating seconds before she finally wrapped her arms loosely around my shoulders.”

It wasn't nearly enough, but it would do for now.

“I don't know what you want from me,” she murmured against my neck.

I contemplated about what I would say. The truth? That I wanted everything? That I wanted…forever? But settled on something a little less girly. “I want what you're willing to give me.”

“You can have every minute that I don´t spend with the _Iceyes_. If they´ll ever speak to me again,” she said.

“What happened with them, Lucy? What made you…?” I didn´t know how the describe the state she was in when I found her.

“Crazy?” she laughed with a little more humor than earlier. “They said some stuff and… I didn't like it,” was all she said. “I don't want to think about them, okay. Not when I'm with you.”

“We should talk about…” we had plenty to talk about but the most important seemed to be “…sex.”

She blushed and pulled away from me and even though my whole being screamed for me to take her in my arms and never let her go I did nothing to stop her.

“I understand, Jace,” her smile was sad. “You can't make yourself want me.”

I laughed incredulously at her. Was she really that _blind_? “Never think that I don't want you. Sinking into your warmth is sometimes _all_ I can think about. But this,” I gestured between us, praying that she would understand this time, “is new to me. In some ways I´m as much a virgin as you are. Because I've never slept with someone I _care_ about. So I´m begging you, Lucy, listen to me when I say that I _do_ want you. I just want to slow things down, not _stop_ them.” I ghosted my lips across hers. “Okay?”

Her whole face lit up with the brightness in her smile. “Okay.”

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

I _didn't_ wake up alone the next day.

I lay still on my back, pretending to still be sleeping, reveling in the feeling of the possessive way that Jace’s hand rested on my hip and his head that was buried me my hair. We´d both fallen asleep with our clothes on but sometimes during the night my shirt had slid up and was now twisted around me just below my breasts.

Jace’s hand started tracing patterns around my belly button and I bit my lip to keep myself from moaning, but I couldn't suppress the shiver that ran through me.

“I know you're awake, Lucy,” he murmured against my neck.

I turned on my side to face him.

“Good morning,” I yawned and covered my mouth with a corner of the blanket we were laying on. “I´m sorry about yesterday.”

“Hey,” He pulled me closer to him. “There´s _nothing_ to be sorry about,” he tried to kiss me but I held the blanket firmly in place. “What are you doing?”

“I have morning breath,” I mumbled.

He laughed at me and succeeded in removing the blanket. “So do I,” he whispered against my lips.

The kiss took my breath away and I was panting a little as we broke apart.

“What time is it?” he asked.

I bent down to pick up my phone from the floor.

Five new texts. All from the Iceyes. I read them and then reread them four times with raised eyebrows.

_Well isn't this interesting._

**Thank you for reading**

 


	10. 9

**'Disclaimer:** (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Stephen Lynch - Drink you pretty** Jace about the _Iceyes_

_“All secrets are deep, all secrets become dark. That´s in the nature of secrets.”_ Writer, Cory Doctorow

Chapter 9

 

 

 

I hesitated in the door to Java´s, slightly worried that a horde of angry _Iceyes_ would jump me any second. But they just smiled and waved me over to their usual table. Aline was nowhere to be found.

_Well, look at that._

I thought back to the texts I received three days ago. I´d read them so many times that I knew them by heart.

 

 

**{Glad someone stood up to that bitch. ~K}**

 

 

**{You were awesome. =) ~E}**

 

 

**{Angry girls are HOT ;) ~T}**

 

 

**{She got what she deserved ~J}**

 

 

**{You go girl. ~M}**

 

 

At first I thought I was being Punk'd. To lull me in before getting back at me for how I spoke to Aline, so I didn't answer any of them.

Instead I spent my days and evenings with my new friends at Simon’s garage and the nights at my house with Jace.

He asked me when my parents would be back and gave me a sympathetic look when I told him I had no idea. I didn't need his sympathy. It was better when they weren't around. I didn't have to feel invisible then.

The texts kept coming and I decided to go and meet them, just to get them off my back. I sauntered up to the Iceyes and noticed that the chair at the head of the table that always was occupied by Aline was empty.

_This just keeps getting better._

I sat down and met their eyes one by one, not sure what they wanted from me.

“Are you hungry, Clary?” Kaelie looked eager to please. “Can I get you something?” she snapped her fingers at the waitress who scurried over to us.

“What do you want, Clary?” Maia’s eyes held the same expression.

“Just coffee, black. I just ate,” I told the waitress. Jace and I made breakfast together this morning. Scrambled eggs.

My phone buzzed in my jeans pocket.

 

 

**{You ok? ~J}**

 

 

**{Oddly, yes ~C}**

 

 

**{Call me l8r. ~J}**

 

 

**{Yes. Xoxo ~C}**

 

 

I had a smile on my face when I put the phone away.

“Ooooh, I know that smile,” Kaelie giggled. “That was from a guy, right?”

“Uh, yeah,” I didn´t elaborate.

“Seb is going to be _soooo_ disappointed,” Emma giggled.

“Who is Seb?” I asked, confused.

“Oh, he´s a part of the _Iceyes_ ,” Maia clarified. “He´s in Europe with his parents over the summer. He'll be back just in time for the Back to school Bash, the weekend before school start.

“Okayyyy…” I stared at them incredulously. “What does he have to do with if I'm seeing anyone.”

“Seb always dates the hottest and most popular girl,” I could detect a hint of jealousy in Toby’s voice.

“Except Aline, of course,” Kaelie said it with a duh-tone of  voice.

I raised a questioning eyebrow instead of asking what she meant.

“He´s Aline’s cousin,” Jordan explained.

“I still don't get what all this have to do with me getting texts from a guy.”

“Well, Jamie sent him a picture of you a couple of weeks ago. He was… _intrigued_ ,” Maia said and the girls giggled.

_Lots of giggling going on today._

I looked around the table, trying to remember which one was Jamie, but decided that I didn´t care.

“Well, wasn't that nice of Jamie,” I said, not really meaning it.

A black-haired girl at the other end of the table blushed.

_Bingo_.

“He's really looking forward to meeting you,” Kaelie wouldn't drop the subject.

“Who wouldn´t be,” I smiled slyly.

Their laughter filled the diner, earning us glares from the other customers.

“Yeah, and it´s almost four weeks left. You could be available by then,” Maia sounded weirdly hopeful.

I just smiled.

_Don't bet on it._

I sipped my coffee and pretended to listen to their blabbering.

“Do you want to do something this weekend?” Emma asked and everyone looked at me expectantly.

“Sure, why not,” I shrugged indifferently.

“We could get a couple of drinks at my place before going out,” Jamie suggested.

“Sounds good,” I could always hang out at Simon’s afterwards.

“We could call Seb, so you could talk to him,” Maia sounded excited by the idea.

“What's so special about this guy anyway?” I became curious against my better judgment.

“He´s only the _hottest_ guy in town,” Emma swooned.

“Well, except for Jace,” Emma sighed dreamingly.

“Yeah,” Maia giggled. “But he doesn't count, though.”

I shook my head at them, still smiling. “I don't think I have to talk to him on the phone. I´ll meet him soon enough. You said he would be back at the end of summer.”

“Yeah,” Jordan agreed. “Good things come to those who wait.”

I nodded, but my mind drifted off, as always when I hung out with them.

They weren't _all_ bad, some of them were even nice, but I couldn't care less about what they were talking about.

“So…” Kaelie hesitated “…Aline won't be coming by anymore.”

“Yeah, I wondered about that,” I said nonchalantly.

“You totally de-throned her,” one of the guys snickered.

“Good,” I leant back in my seat and took a sip of my now cold coffee. I raised my cup and signaled for a refill.

“Can I get you anything else,” the waitress asked as she poured the coffee.

I scanned the tables in front of me and saw the hopeful looks on their faces. “Yeah, let’s see the menus.”

The way Kaelie and some of the others almost drooled made me laugh on the inside. I realized that Aline had dictated everything they did.

I knew that getting them to accept Jace and his siblings as equals was doomed, but I didn´t care.

I fully intended to keep my two lives apart from each other.

I didn't know how naïve I was.

 

 

I felt relaxed when I left the Iceyes and ambled over to Taki’s.

I picked up my phone and called Jace. “Hey babe, you up for ice cream?” I asked before he even had the chance to say hello.

“How did it go?” he asked worriedly.

I smiled and closed my eyes for a second, basking the warmth contained in his beautiful voice.

Jace hadn't wanted me to meet up with the _Iceyes_ , he´d been as nervous as me about what they would do, maybe even more so.

“It went great, actually,” I was still a little surprised by the way things had turned out.

“If you say so,” he sounded skeptical. I knew he wanted to ask for more details, but he didn´t.

“I do,” I walked into the diner and spotted my friends. “You´re the only one who´s not here. Come. Eat,” I sat down beside Simon and nodded in greeting.

“You'll only end up eating my ice cream too, so why not order two for yourself and come see me later,” I could hear the slamming of a car door over the phone and knew that he was teasing.

“That happened _one_ time, “ I scowled. “And it was your fault for letting it almost melt.”

“I was too mesmerized by watching you eat yours,” he laughed. “I´ve never seen anybody chow down ice cream like that before. I was afraid you would swallow the whole spoon. It was _hot_.”

“I'm hanging up now,” I said and did just that.

“Keeping Jace on a short leash I see,” Simon grinned and swatted away my hand when I tried to steal one of his fries. “Get your own.”

“Is _everybody_ cheap today?” I reached for the menu and went straight for the dessert section.

“How did it go?” Izzy asked curiously.

“All´s good,” I didn't want to talk about it with them. When I was with my boyfriend and our friends I wanted to forget all about the _Iceyes_.

Magnus looked at me with his perceptive eyes. “Sooo Ginger Snap, I take it there was an empty seat today?”

I nodded and took a good look at his clothes. He wore a bright red tee with the words _Looking for a vampire_ written in glittery black.

“Alec’s not enough for you?” I asked with my eyes on the ice cream selection.

_I think I want chocolate, but the coffee flavor is amazing. Maybe if I can get Jace to buy one of them and I could taste some of his…_

“Who would say no to Edward Cullen,” Magnus sighed, but laughed when Alec frowned at him.

“Don´t worry Alec,” Izzy rested her hand on top of his. “Magnus likes anything that sparkles.”

“That is true,” Magnus admitted. “Where´s your boy, Pepper? I thought he would join us.”

“He should be here any minute now,” I looked up when the bell over the door chimed. “Ah, there he is now.”

“Speak of the devil,” Izzy grinned at him as he pulled up a chair and sat down at the head of the table.

“Why are we speaking about Lucy?” Jace quipped with fake confusion.

I pouted and turned my head so that my greeting kiss ended up on my cheek.

“Have you ordered yet?” he asked.

I shook my head.

“But you know what you want?”

I nodded.

He smirked. “Let me guess, you know what _I_ want, too?”

“It´s like you know me,” I giggled.

I never was one of those girls that giggled all the time. But now it seemed as if I couldn’t stop.

The motherly waitress approached our table and I ordered for the both of us.

“How about you, dear?” she asked Jace.

He looked at me when he answered.

“No, thank you. I already have everything I want.”

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

I could watch Clary eat ice cream for hours. It was fascinating that she ate with her eyes closed, the little noises she made, the meticulous way she licked her spoon clean…

My own spoon dangled from my fingers, forgotten, with melting ice cream dripping back into the bowl.

Maybe _taking it slow_ wasn't such a great idea after all.

My eyes were fixated on her lips and the way that her pink tongue darted out to catch a drop of her dessert that stuck to the corner of her mouth.

I could see her lips move but didn't realize that she was speaking until someone elbowed me in the ribs.

I glared at Magnus who looked back innocently. “Huh?” _Ouch_.

“Are you going to eat that?” Clary asked me with a wicked smile that showed she knew exactly where my mind was at.

I didn't think it would be a good idea to watch her eat anymore so I nodded and dug in.

I tried but couldn't keep my eyes off her. Her sexy pout almost did me in and I offered her a taste.

The little tease knew _exactly_ what she was doing to me. First she licked the bottom of the spoon to keep it from dripping on the table and then she formed her lips into a perfect _o_ , closed it around the tip of the spoon and let it slide inside of her warm, wet mouth.

I was startled by the low groan before I realized that it came from me.

Suddenly _slow_ was the ugliest word I´d ever heard.

Simon´s laughter broke through the lust filled haze. “Man, you're so _screwed_.”

I glared at him, annoyed that he was here to witness her little _show_.

“Ken doll hasn't been _screwed_ in a while, from what I've heard,” Magnus quipped. “I believe it's been what…six weeks?”

I realized that because he used to be friends with the c-jerks he could know about our… _meetings_.

I huffed and shoved a spoonful of melted ice cream in my mouth.

“That's funny,” Clary said as she stole a piece of Alec’s brownie. “That's about as long as I´ve lived here.”

“You don´t say?” he feigned surprise. “That _is_ funny.”

I found the ice cream to be extremely interesting at that point. I felt Clary’s eyes on me, but didn´t look at her.

I tugged at the collar of my t-shirt, it was unusually warm in here, maybe the a/c was broken.

“You okay there, Jace?” Alec said with a low chuckle. “You look a little hot.”

“I´m _always_ hot,” I grinned.

“…And he's back,” Magnus muttered. “Are we doing anything fun tonight?”

I glanced at the girl at my side, picturing everything I would like to do with her and how _fun_ it would be.

_Get a fucking grip, Herondale._

“Meh,” Clary made a face. “It´s too hot to do anything else but lie down and pray that it's over soon.”

Izzy sprayed Coke all over the table and laughed so hard that Simon had to hold her to keep her from falling to the floor. Everyone else, except Clary and I, laughed as well.

I glared at them and shrugged as I met her confused eyes.

“Oh Jace,” Izzy wiped away a tear from the corner of her eye. “You're obviously doing it wrong.”

“What?” Clary didn't get it.

“Never mind, Cuddle bug,” Magnus patted her on her head. “It's for us non-virgins.”

“That´s… _Oh_ ,” she blushed.

I wrapped my arm protectively around her shoulders. “Be nice,” I scowled.

“Yeah,” Magnus snickered. “Ne nice to Buttercream. She´s too innocent to know the difference between the Glowing Triangle and the Missionary position.”

“Pfft,” Clary huffed at him. “I know very well what the difference is. The big question is, Maggie, _do_ _you_?”

I laughed at Magnus perplexed expression.

_That´s my girl._

I kissed her and smiled. “You´re _amazing,_ you know that?”

“Yup,” popping the p. “Don't forget it.”

“Oh, I won´t. I can promise you that.” I pulled her over to my lap and hugged her tightly against my chest

Simon was right. I was _so_ screwed.

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

If I could spec every minute of every hour of every day kissing Jace, I would.

It was Thursday and I was lying on my bed while my boyfriend rested snugly between my legs.

The only sound in the room came from our heavy breathing and the low smacking of our eager lip.

We were still fully dressed, but his hands were underneath my top.

“Mmm. You feel so good,” he started kissing me on the neck.

I shivered at the graze of his mouth and his seductively growled words. If he used that tone of voice during sex, he could probably get away with skipping foreplay.

“I would _never_ skip foreplay,” he whispered against my ear as I told him just that.

His lips traveled back to mine. I felt like I was on fire and moaned with anticipation when Jace’s long, slim fingers located the clasp in the front of my bra.

“Is this okay?” he asked huskily.

_Yes, yes, yes, yes._

“Uh-Huh,” I was incapable of forming the words.

When his hands cupped my naked breast for the first time a ripple shot through my entire body and I arched my back and groaned loudly.

Jace immediately rolled off me and lay down on his back beside me.

“Time out,” he panted.

_Not again!_

That was the third time tonight.

He covered his face with his arm and gasped for air.

I huffed with disappointment and pulled out my bra through the sleeve of my top, hoping to feel his hand on me again.

“I don't see why we can't just _do_ it,” my voice was raspy with lust. “Everybody knows that the first time sucks anyway. It´s all pain and doesn't feel good at all.”

“Oh Lucy, I´ll make you regret those words,” he chuckled breathlessly. “The first time we make love I will have you scream my name before the night is over.”

The fire inside of me burnt hotter and I reached out for him, pulling him back on top of me.

When I felt something hard pulsating against my core, lust burst forth with enough strength to make me forget my own name. I wanted to touch him. Taste him. Feel him so deep inside of me that I screamed his name like he promised.

“Fuck,” he growled. “We have to stop,” he rolled off me.

Again.

I covered my face with my pillow and screamed. I knew the reasons why he kept pulling away. I understood them too. He cared about me and didn't want to rush into anything. But right now I

wished he didn't care about me at all.

_No, that´s not true._

“I´m going to take a shower,” Jace announced and got up from the bed. I removed the pillow and glared at him. “You're going to take a shower? _Now_?”

He paused with his hand on the doorknob and turned to face me. His eyes were dark and the prominent bulge in the front of his jeans caused an almost painful throb in my lower abdomen.

“I would like to spend the night here, Lucy,” his husky voice made me shiver. “But if I'm going to do that I have to take a shower. A _cold_ one. And pray that you´re asleep when I get out,” he ran his fingers through his messy hair.

My eyes softened when I looked at him. I could see how hard this was on him.

I closed my eyes and heard the shower starting.

My mind was assaulted with everything that just happened.

_I could probably use a shower myself_.

I wondered if exercise worked on sexual frustration, after all my hands were healing just fine.

Then it hit me.

Make love.

Not have sex with. Not sleep with. Not _fuck_. But make love.

A smile spread across my face and my heart picked up inside my chest.

Love.

_Oh._

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

“Hey Jace,” Alec greeted me as I entered the garage the next evening. Clary had plans with the circle-jerks but would be coming by later.

“You look different,” Simon cocked his head thoughtfully. “Have you lost some weight?”

“Yeah, I hardly recognized you without 110 lbs. of Cuddle Bunny strapped to your side,” Magnus snickered.

“Ha ha, very funny guys,” I tried to find a comfortable position in the chair, but it was impossible. “Damn, Si,” I complained. “When are you going to get some decent chairs for this place?”

“It never bothered you before,” Izzy shook her head in mock sadness. “Oh brother of mine. She´s changed you!”

“What is this?” I frowned. “Take-a-poke-at-Jace-day?”

“Well, be glad that _someone_ gets to poke _something_ ,” Magnus laughed.

“Hrmf,” I glared at him.

“Now, now children. Leave Jacy-Poo alone,” Simon chided Magnus. “It´s _hard_ for him as it is.”

“Fuck you very much,” I breathed and went to get a beer.

I hadn´t planned on drinking anything. It was difficult enough to be around Clary when I was sober. But _one_ beer couldn't hurt.

“It sucks that she's with _them_ , right?” Izzy asked compassionately.

“Yes _and_ no,” I took a sip on my beer. Yeas as in; I wanted to be with her all the time. No; I was glad she had friends of her own.

Really fucking glad… At least that was what I kept telling myself.

The worst part was that she made me promise to not dwell on what she did when she was with the c-jerks. She wanted to keep the two things separately. It wasn't that I didn't trust her. I really did. But I still felt like they got a part of her that she wouldn't show me.

And I wanted to see _all_ of her.

I almost groaned at the images the thought presented.

I hated the word _slow_ with every part of my being.

“I´m sure Schmoopsie Poo will be by when she gets tired of those mindless kiss-asses,” Magnus assured me, for once without his usual sarcasm.

“Schmoopsie Poo?” I eyed him skeptically. “Where do you come up with that shit?”

“Hey,” he shrugged somewhat sheepishly. “She won't let me call her Satan so I have to keep trying until I find a nickname that fits.”

“Do I even want to know what you call Alec?” I glanced at my brother.

Alec blushed and looked away.

_Guess that answers my question._

I grabbed my guitar and plucked absentmindedly at the strings.

“Are you playing Wednesday?” Izzy asked.

“Not that I know of,” I answered. “Although we should get Alec on stage again, the look on their faces was the best ever,” I chuckled at the memory.

“Yeah,” Magnus smiled at his boyfriend and gave him a kiss. “But they might be different after the change in management.”

I frowned at him. “What are you talking about?”

“Baby doll didn´t tell you?” he looked a little disconcerted.

I shrugged with false nonchalance. “We don´t talk about them when we´re together.”

Change in management? What the hell did _that_ mean?

“Can you stop speaking in riddles, Mags,” Izzy demanded.

“Well,” he leant forward, elated by our undivided attention. “Apparently Cinnamon told Aline off last Sunday. It was a total blow-out, according to my source…” he paused for effect “…Aline hasn't left her house since. It has even been talk about changing schools. But that can be just a rumor.”

“Huh?” I didn't like the look in Izzy’s eyes. “Why didn't she tell you about that, Jace?”

I was wondering the exact thing myself.

“Like I said; we don't talk about them. They have nothing to do with our relationship,” I chugged the rest of the beer and went to the fridge for a Coke.

“No more beers?” Simon asked.

“Nope, I've been drinking enough lately.”

They did not object, even Magnus looked like he knew the meaning behind my words. I gave Alec a sideway glance and he nodded.

“Si’s thinking about growing a mustache,” Izzy blurted out, no doubt to break the tension.

I was glad I didn't have any soda in my mouth or the two of them would be soaked right now. “What?” I almost shouted. “Is it even possible for you to grow facial hair?”

“So now it´s make-fun-of-Simon day?” he grumbled.

“Come on, Si,” I snickered. “What did you expect?”

“A little support from my dear friends?” he suggested.

I snorted. “In your dreams, Si.”

“I don't know,” Magnus studied Simon’s hairless upper-lip. “Tom Selleck rocked the ‘stache. Maybe you could too.”

“Who the hell is Tom Selleck?” I asked.

“I´ll have you know, McNot-so-dreamy, that he's a terrific actor. He even played gay once.”

“Well that explains it,” I huffed.

“What?” Alec chuckled. “That you can't like an actor who plays gay? I know for a fact that you liked Heath Ledger as the Joker and he was in Brokeback Mountain.”

“Fuck no,” I laughed at him. “How could you even _think_ that? I meant because of the ‘stache.”

“You're really no _fun_ when Angel Cake’s not here,” Magnus moped.

“Jace is actually hilarious,” Simon defended me, than added, “it's the lack of sex that messes with his head.

I started to rethink the whole _stay sober_ thing.

My phone buzzed. It was a text from Clary.

 

 

**{Wish you were here ~C}**

 

 

Everything felt better and I smiled as I texted back.

 

 

**{Me too ~J}**

 

 

“Aww. Look at you all in love,” Izzy cooed.

I chuckled at her ridicules choice of words, but did nothing to correct her.

“I meant to ask you, Blondie,” Magnus said. “Did Snookums ever get over her hissy-fit over all the _Iceyes_ thinking _her_ song was about _them_?”

I laughed. “Yeah,” I picked up my guitar again. “Their song would go little more like this…”

 

 

_Every time I drink a beer_

_It makes your lazy eye disappear_

_Every time I do a shot_

_I think you're hot_

_(but I know you´re not)_

_I´m just trying to drink you pretty_

Magnus laughed so hard tears fell freely from his eyes. “Yes, _please_ sing that on Wednesday.”

“Sorry, but I don't have a death wish,” I grinned.

“Can you sing If  ‘I were gay’?”

“ _No way_ ,” I put my hand up in front of me. “You might take it as an invitation.”

“Puh-lease,” he scoffed. “Alec keeps me satisfied, thank you very much.”

I covered my ears with my hands. “La la la la. I´m not listening.”

”Oh Jace,” Izzy laughed. ”You're such a _baby_.”

The night continued pretty much the same way. We made fun of each other, I sang and missed Clary.

From the time Pandemonium closed I kept sneaking glances at the garage opening, hoping that she would come straight here, so I saw her the second she entered.

She looked incredible.

The white, lacy dress she wore had long sleeves, a modes v-shaped neckline and ended below her knees. The fact that it wasn't revealing made it sexier somehow.

She looked like and angel.

Clary didn't say anything, just looked at me.

I took her into my arms and gave her a kiss that left us both breathless.

“Hi everybody,” her cheeks were flushed with embarrassment and lust.

_Fuck slow._

“Bye everybody,” I growled, took her hand in mine and walked to her house.

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

Jace walked so fast that I had to run to keep up with him. But I didn´t mind. I was just as eager.

_It´s happening. It's_ finally _happening!_

My heart rate increased with exhilaration and anxiety. Anxiety not for what was about to happen, but that he would stop at the last minute again.

I was in his arms before the door closed behind us. He lifted me up, hitched my legs around his hips and carried me up the stairs, his lips never leaving mine.

He let go of me when we entered my room and I became nervous when I no longer had his touch to distract me.

I didn't know what to do. Should I take off my dress or should I wait for him to undress me?

Before I had the chance to voice my concern my eye locked with his and I was lost in them.

Jace placed his hands around my face and kissed me almost reverently, his tongue swiped along the corner of my mouth and I gasped. Immediately, his tongue surged forward, creating a tingling sensation throughout my body. My fingers buried themselves in his curls and I could feel his heart pounding against my chest.

I knew the second he realized that I didn't wear a bra. He groaned against my lips and his kisses became more frantic.

His hands found the zipper on the back of my dress and pulled it down excruciatingly slowly. The delicate fabric slid down my body and pooled around my feet.

He took a step back to get a good look at me where I stood only dressed in my white panties.

“You're _beautiful_ ,” Jace breathed.

He cupped my breasts with his hands and grazed my nipples with his fingers, making me whimper.

He led me over to the bed and we lay down next to each other. He kissed me again and again, I tugged at his shirt, desperate to feel his skin against my own. He pulled it over his head and threw it on the floor.

He was _gorgeous_. It felt like the first time I saw his chest, even though it wasn´t. I placed my hand over his heart and caressed my way over his pecs and down his delicious abs. I tried to go lower but his hand caught mine.

“No Lucy. This time is for you,” he whispered.

Jace kissed my lips, down my cheek, along my neck and I moaned when he nibbled at a particular sensitive spot. His lips traveled across my shoulder to my collarbone and then _finally_ closed around my hardened nipple.

My whole body felt electrified and a shock went all the way from my toes and straight to my heart.

His hands drifted down to my knees and he lifted his head, “Spread your legs for me, Lucy.”

I was sure that he would go straight to my center, but I was wrong.

Jace trailed kisses down my chest and let his tongue trace patterns on my stomach. I was panting by the time he reached my belly button and continued to the edge of my soaked panties.

I lifted myself from the bed to help him take them off me, but Jace kept kissing me down my hips and my thighs.

“Please,” I begged him.

He raised his head and met my gaze. “Please what?” he teased with a crooked smile. “Tell me what you want.”

I couldn't say the words that would get me what I needed, I just took his hand in mine and placed it on top of my panties. “Please,” I repeated.

He kissed a path up my body until his lips met mine and slid his fingers inside  the thin fabric. He moaned against my mouth when he felt how wet I was for him.

Jace removed my panties in one swift motion. He slipped one finger inside of me and I felt a delicious tension building in my loins.

I was almost too much, I broke the kiss and turned my head away from him.

When he closed his lips around the sensitive nub between my legs and added a finger an orgasm crashed over me and I screamed his name – just like he promised.

I heard the sound of a condom wrapper being torn open and then he was on top of me. I hadn´t even noticed that he removed the rest of his clothes.

Jace rested his weight on his arms and looked deep into my eyes. “Are you sure, Lucy?”

_Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes!_

I nodded and kissed him as he carefully entered me.

I breathed a curse, not because it hurt, although it did in the best possible way, but because I´d never experienced something as overwhelming as the all-consuming feeling of having him fully inside of me.

“Are you okay, baby?” his golden eyes were dark with hunger and worry that he hurt me.

“Yes,” I hissed and wrapped my legs around his hips to urge him to move.

He moved slowly at first but picked up the pace as I started to meet his thrusts with my own.

“Jaaaaceeeee,” I screamed his name again as I came apart for the second time.

 

 

**Thank you for reading**


	11. 10

**'Disclaimer:** (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

_“There is no refuge from confession but suicide, and suicide is confession”_ Daniel Webster

 

 

Chapter 10

 

 

As our breathing started to slow down, I rolled off Clary and pulled her close to my chest.

I kissed her on the top of her head and she laughed quietly. “So _that's_ what everybody was talking about?”

I chuckled. “Yeah, I guess so.”

She gave me a quick kiss and laughed harder.

“What's so funny?” I started to feel a little self-conscious. It wasn't that I wondered if I satisfied her, there were some things you couldn't fake. But I didn't see the humor in what just happened, it was better than _anything_ I´d experienced before.

“You _totally_ scored a hat-trick,” she smiled at me.

I raised my eyebrows at her. “A sport reference, Lucy? I´m impressed.”

“Hey, I grew up with an older brother, I´ve heard them _all_.”

I pulled her on top of me and was rewarded with a gasp when she felt my erection. “Wanna go for a doubleheader?”

 

 

Clary layed sprawled over my chest and breathing heavily.

“You asleep?” I asked and played with a lock of her hair. I preferred it curly over straightened.

“Mmm,” she mumbled and nuzzled my neck.

I chuckled. “I exhausted you, huh?”

“Uh-huh,” she stretched her arms over her head and yawned.

“Sleep baby,” I whispered and wrapped my arms around her. “I'll be here when you wake up.”

 

 

I woke up Saturday morning with a huge smile on my face and I owed it all to the girl I held in my arms.

Even though it felt like I could stay this way forever, I had to use the bathroom.

I lifted her carefully off me and placed her on the other side of the bed.

I decided to take a shower after using the toilet and the hot water felt incredible. I used my finger as a toothbrush and thought about going home and pick up a few things if I was going to continue sleeping here. I wrapped a towel around my hips and returned to her bedroom.

Clary was still sleeping.

I wanted nothing more than to wake her up, but she needed the rest and was probably sore since last night. I couldn't stop the smirk that spread across my face at that thought.

I decided to go to the kitchen and fix some breakfast before she opened her eyes and saw me standing there like some grinning idiot.

I tiptoed down the stairs so I wouldn't disturb her.

I started the coffee maker and searched through the cupboards and the fridge and threw together a couple of cheese sandwiches. I put everything on a tray, added two apples and carried the tray upstairs.

I nudged the door open with my foot and smiled at the girl that sat on the bed covered in a blanket.

“You're awake,” I put the tray down on the nightstand and gave her a chaste kiss.

“You made me breakfast?” she looked a little awed.

“Yeah,” I handed her a coffee mug and one of the sandwiches. “I thought you could use the energy.”

Clary blushed and took a sip of her coffee.

“Got any plans for today?” I asked when the tray was empty.

“No, I´m open to suggestions,” her smile insinuated all kinds of _suggestions_.

“You're insatiable,” I chuckled.

“Are you complaining?” she countered.

“Not at all,” I pulled her towards me for a deep kiss, “I just thought we could do something a little more couple-y today.”

“Couple-y?” she giggled. “What did you have in mind?”

“I don't know. Dinner and a movie?” I´d never been on a _real_ date before and I wanted to take her out and show everybody that she was _mine_.

“Would you settle for take-out and Netflix?”

“What, are you ashamed to be seen with me or something?” I laughed.

“ _No_!” she denied quickly. “I just don't want to share you today.”

I eyed her uncertainly. “If that´s what you want." Clary pushed me down on my back and straddled my hips. “ _You're_ what I want.”

Any lingering worry disappeared when she kissed me and removed the blanket.

 

 

Much later we were on the couch in her living room and tried to decide what to watch.

Clary’s arm was wrapped around my bare back and her fingers touched parts of my scars.

 “Tell me about them?” she asked timidly. “Only if you want to of course…” She added as an afterthought, while tracing the tips of her fingers over a particularly ragged one.

“It´s only fair, right?” I gave her a half-smile-half-shrug. “You told me about your brother.”

“Okay,” se stroked the unharmed skin on my lower back in soothing circles. “Tell me what happened.”

“I grew up with my mother, I never knew my father, he left before I was born. I had a pretty normal childhood. My mom wasn't a bad parent in any way, she did her best with raising me, but she was always so…sad.”

I glanced in Clary’s direction and saw the small furrow between her brows.

“I used to wake up almost every night by her crying,” the detachment in my voice was deliberate.

“One day when I was eight the police pulled me out of class to tell me that my mom had been in an accident and that she didn't make it.”

Clary took my hand in both or hers and squeezed, giving comfort that she could tell I needed, no matter how hard I tried to mask the emotions on my face.

“They told me that she slipped on the platform and fallen down on the tracks right when a train went by. I was picked up by the CPS and driven to my house to get a few things before I would be dropped off at a foster home…” I paused, taking a deep breath “…and found the note on my bed.”

“Oh baby,” Clary whispered.

“All it said was ‘I'm sorry’,” I wrapped my arms around her. “The first foster home wasn't so bad, they left me alone as long as I stayed out of trouble. I stayed there little over a year before I was moved.

I felt weird talking about it, like it happened to someone else.

“The next place was…not as good. George, the husband chose to be a stay-at-home-‘dad’. At least that’s what they claimed. But the truth was that he couldn't hold on to a job and the only reason they took me in was that they needed the money. Eva, that was the wife’s name, was an ER nurse, so she worked long hours. The first month was okay, George ignored me when she wasn't home and pretended to be ‘dad-of-the-year’ when she was.”

Clary stiffened, as if preparing for what was coming. I gave her a small smile and kissed her on her forehead, almost feeling like _I_ was the one that needed to comfort _her_.

“Then there were some job cuts in the hospital that Eva worked at and she had to get a second job to make ends meet, so she was at home even less…” This part was not something I felt comfortable talking about.

“It didn't take long for the verbal abuse to start, he kept ranting on about how useless I was, that it was my fault that she had to work so much, that they had to be paid to take care of me, because no one would ever want me; even my mom chose death over me.”

Clary gasped and I closed my eyes, flooded by memories.

“It started slowly at first, the occasional slap if I did something to annoy him, but it soon escalated to full-out beatings. I walked around covered in bruises from the ankles to my chest,” I smirked and tried a joke, “even dear old George didn't want ruin this pretty face.”

Clary didn't laugh, not that I expected her to.

“He started drinking a lot and picked fights with Eva whenever she was around.”

Clary had tears in her eyes at this point.

“One night, a few weeks before my 11th birthday, I heard them arguing worse than they ever had. Eva left for work and George came stumbling into my room with some weird ropey looking thing in his hand - I didn't realize that it was a whip before he started using it – and ordered me to take my shirt off and stand against the wall, “ I released my hold on her and stared at my hands. I´d never told anyone everything before. Not even Alec and Izzy knew all the details.

“The crack of the whip echoed in the house, but was soon drowned out by the sound of my screaming.”

Clary took me in her arms and hugged my head to her chest.

“I lost consciousness after the eleventh hit … It happened four or five times after that and then the school took notice and pulled me out of there.”

I hugged her close to me, taking comfort in her warmth.

“What happened after that?” she asked when I didn´t continue.

“I ended up here, with the Parkers. Where I met Alec and Izzy, and eventually Simon.”

“And they helped you?”

“Pretty much, yeah,” I thought about what happened when I was fifteen. I wasn't ready to tell her about that yet so I changed the subject. “Which movie should we pick.”

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

I wiped away my tears with the crook of my elbow and stared at Jace with wide eyes.

That was it? He told me about his traumatizing past and now everything was okay?

“Are you trying to tell me that you´re over it?” I asked.

_Can you get over something like that?_

“No, not _over_ it…”he seemed to search for the right words “…more like I moved on. It was a _long_ time ago and I'm not the same person as I was.”

I wanted to nag him about it, to make him admit that he was still broken, but I knew I was being stupid. Who was I to say how long a person should take to deal with things? I was the poster child for not-dealing. Two years and I still couldn't ride in a car without being more or less tied down.

“You're incredible, you know that?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I do,” he grinned.

“I could _easily_ fall for you,” I admitted, ignoring his cockiness.

I expected him to say something about being easy, but he just gave me a soft kiss and whispered. “I think I already have.”

 

 

 

_Smack_!

The comforting sound made me smile. I was down in the basement, working off a little tension while Jace went home to pick up a few things. He would swing by Taki´s afterwards to get some food.

His words were put on repeat in my head and I skipped between exhilarating joy to mind-numbing panic and back again. I even argued with myself in my head.

_It´s too soon._

_Hell no, you've known from the first kiss._

_There´s so much we don´t know about each other yet._

_You don’t have to know everything to love him._

_Who said anything about_ love _?_

_You did, sweetheart._

_No, I didn´t. There´s so much to take into consideration. My parents…_

_Aren´t here, are they?_

_Jon…_

_Would want you to be happy._

_But should I be allowed to be happy?_

_I don't know, should you?_

My inner dialogue drove me crazy and I walked over to the stereo to put on some music, but I couldn't find anything that fit my mood.

Hell, I didn't even know what I was feeling.

For the first time in two years I felt like I could be happy and it scared me to death.

I started a random song and returned to the punching bag.

My hands were securely taped up, I wouldn't make _that_ mistake again.

Dressed only in a pair of panties and one of Jon’s old t-shirts I took the appropriate stance. My fist connected with the leather and all thoughts left my mind.

A half hour later I decided that it was enough and turned to the mattress where I left my towel, to dry off the sweat that covered my skin, before taking a shower. To my surprise Jace sat there, holding a bottle of water.

“Hi,” I said and blushed. I was disgusting and had hoped to shower before he returned. “I didn´t hear you come in.”

He chuckled softly and handed me the water. “Yeah, I noticed that you were occupied.”

“Been here long?” I asked and took a swig from the bottle.

“Twenty minutes, give or take.”

“Oh, sorry,” I contemplated running away to take that shower.

“I´m not,” his eyes darkened and traveled up and down my body.

“Oh?” I felt almost naked by the way he looked at me.

He jumped to his feet and came up to me, “Who would've thought watching you beat the hell out of that punching bag could be so fucking _sexy_? And I thought you eating ice cream were bad.” He almost growled and pulled my flush against his chest.

“No, “ I moan half-heartedly. “I'm all sweaty.”

“I don't care,” Jace crushed his lips against mine and I was done protesting. I groaned against his mouth and tore at the zipper of his jeans. I didn’t want to wait. I _couldn´t_ wait. His hands found my panties and all but ripped them off me. I pulled him down on the mattress, pushed him on his back and straddled his hips. I moaned with anticipation when I got his jeans and boxers down to his thighs. I stroked his heated flesh and he bucked his hips against my touch.

“Where…?” I panted.

“Back pocket,“ Jace breathed.

I searched frantically through his pockets before finally finding the condom.

I ripped open the package with my teeth, rolled the condom over his length and sank down on him.

“ _Gooooood_ ,” he groaned and thrusted upwards in time with my movements.

“I´m _cooooooomiiiing_ ,” I screeched and collapsed on top of him, Jace followed close behind me.

 

 

 

 

We couldn't keep our hands off each other. We made love in the shower, on the couch in the living room, the kitchen table – twice – and every other available surface in the house.

When I stepped inside Java's for Sunday brunch I was sore in muscles I didn’t even know I had.

I sat down on my seat as slowly as possible, the other girls gave me knowing smiles.

“We don't have to ask how _your_ weekend was,” Kaelie giggled.

I blushed, but the grin on my face was apparently answer enough.

Everybody whooped, except Toby, who just scowled at me.

_Get over it already_.

“Tell us, who _is_ he?” Emma asked.

I shook my head and signaled for the waitress.

“Come _on_!” Maia begged. “We _have to_ meet the guy who makes _you_ smile like that.”

I raised my eyebrows at them.

_What's_ that _supposed to mean?_

“You don´t seem like the kind of girl that falls in _love_ ,” Jamie giggled.

_There's that word again._

“Who says I´m in love?” I asked trying to sound indifferent.

“You have that look…like you're _glowing_ ,” Maia looked at me with wide eyes. “Yes, definitely glowing.”

“Shouldn't that mean that she's pregnant?” Toby snared.

I glared at him and he shrunk back into his seat.

“Well, it´s not love, just really great sex,” I persisted.

_“Liar liar pants on fire,”_ my inner voice sang.

_Shut up!_

“You know who else is great in bed?” Maia leant forward on her chair.

“Who?” I didn't care about the answer.

“Seb,” she giggled, but stopped immediately when Jordan glared at her. “I don't know from my own experience or anything. But that´s what I heard.”

“She's right,” Kaelie licked her lips. “He's amazing.”

_Ugh, gross_.

“Good for you,” I was annoyed that the kept trying to sell me on Seb every time I talked to them.

Kaelie pushed her phone across the table at me. “Just _look_ at him.”

I pushed it back at her. “No thanks.”

“You're stubborn. Aren't you,” Jordan snickered at me.

“Drinks at my place Wednesday?” Jamie saw the look in my eyes and changed the subject. “Before Pandemonium?”

“That´s open mic night, right?” I inquired.

_Maybe Jace will sing again_?

“Yes,” Emma said. “So what do you say?”

I knew from past experience as well as the sound of her voice how desperate they were for my approval. If I turned them down they would all stay at home, doing nothing. I felt the rush of the power I held over them.

I was like a junkie getting high for the first time in years. I couldn't help but take advantage of that.

“I don't know,” I bit back the somewhat evil grin that threatened to spread across my face. “I'll get back to you.”

Their disappointment exhilarated me and I decided it was time to leave before I fell deeper back to _the old me_.

“I have to go,” I said with fake reluctance. “But I´ll call you about Wednesday.”

“Bye Clary,” the _Iceyes_ voices echoed behind me as I left the building.

I called Jace as soon as I was out on the street.

“Hello, Lucy.”

“Hello, boyfriend,” I liked that word. “I´m on my way to Taki´s, are you there yet?”

I heard the rustling of fabric and knew that he was still in my bed.

“Nah, I decided to wait here for you,” he chuckled.

“Jace Herondale,” I chided him. “You have to eat to keep your strength up.”

“I´ll just eat _you_ when you come back,” he growled seductively.

“Jace,” what was supposed to be a scowl came out more as a moan. “Don't say things like that.”

“Why not, Lucy?” he asked huskily. “You know you love it.”

_Again with that word._

“Please stop, we said that we were going to spend the day with friends.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he sounded resigned.

“I´m going inside now and I´ll order for both of us. If you’re not here when the food arrives I´ll eat yours too.”

“Okay, Lucy. I´ll see you soon.”

I ended the call and stepped inside the diner. Four pair of eyes stared at me.

“Oh, I see that Honeyfluff finally got some,” Maggie grinned and winked at me. “You were looked up in your house for almost 36 hours. I'm surprised that you can still _walk_.”

I ignored him and took a seat next to Izzy.

“Is my brother joining us?” she asked.

“He should be here soon,” I reached for the menu; we needed carbs to keep our energy levels up. Lots of carbs.

“Simon, switch seats with Clary,” Izzy demanded.

“Why?” he asked, but got up to do as she said.

“I´m not letting them near each other. Look at her face. This is a place for eating...” she made a face “…not other stuff.”

I huffed at her but took the vacated seat at the window.

“Bossy thing, aren't you,” Maggie eyed Izzy and turned to Simon. “I bet she likes to be on top all the time.”

Poor Simon almost choked on his pancakes.

“Mags, can we not discuss my sibling’s sex life,” Alec looked a little green. “Please. I´m trying to eat.”

I smiled and returned to the menu, trying to decide between pancakes and eggs, bacon with fried potatoes.

_Both._

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out with a smile, thinking it was Jace.

 

 

 

**{We'll be home the weekend before school starts. Mom and Dad.}**

 

 

 

_That´s it?_ Almost three weeks without a word and they send me a text? I felt the urge to go home and open the tequila bottle, but texted Kaelie instead.

 

 

 

**{I´m on for W. Be there at 6. ~C}**

 

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

 

I saw the sad look on Clary's face as soon as I entered Taki´s but it disappeared as soon as her beautiful green eyes landed on me, so I thought I imagined it.

“Wow, that is AMAZEBALLS!! It looks fantabulous on you darling! And it isn't too clingy around the loins... Not that would be a bad thing though, Blondie” Magnus sounded exuberant.

“Maggie, could you please refer from mentioning my boyfriend’s Loins,” Clary grumbled.

“What do you want to talk about then, Honeybuns? The size of his…ego?” Magnus wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“No!” Simon slammed his fist on the table, but looked more embarrassed than angry. “There will be no talks about…egos.”

The girls giggled and the waitress showed up with two plates filled with steaming food.

I knew that she ordered two different meals so we could share and I would've loved to feed her from mine, to see her open her mouth for my…fork.

I groaned, but disguised it quickly as a cough.

But Clary was squeezed in between the window and Simon for some reason so I had to settle for dividing our two meals on the plates, giving us half of each.

The brightness in her smile almost did me over.

“Are you going to Pandemonium on Wednesday?” she asked.

“Of course we are,” Izzy said. “It´s open mic night. Are you?”

“Yes, but I´ll be with the _Iceyes_.”

“Just stay away from the tequila,” Magnus laughed.

“I can't promise anything,” she smiled.

I hated the thought of her being with them, but I couldn’t say that.

“Can´t we do something fun next weekend?” Clary asked. “Just the six of us.”

“Like what?” Izzy asked.

“I don't know, cook some dinner, catch a move?”

“Yes, that sounds like fun,” Izzy’s eyes gleamed with excitement. “I could cook…”

“ _NO_!” Simon, Alec and I shouted.

“What?” Magnus asked. “I smell a story here.”

“Just be happy it´s not the smell of Izzy’s cooking,” Alec quipped. Izzy punched him on his shoulder. “ _Ouch_!”

“There's _nothing_ wrong with my cooking,” Izzy scowled. “Tell them Simon.”

Simon cringed. “Can´t you just slap me and get it over with. You know how I feel about lying.”

The look in Izzy’s eyes made me almost feel sorry for him.

“It´s okay,” Clary said. “I can cook.”

The relief on all of our faces made her laugh.

I loved the sound of her laughter. I loved everything about her.

I loved _her_.

Now I just had to come up with the best way to tell her.

 

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

I walked into Jamie’s house with all the confidence I could muster.

“Let’s get this party started,” I sang and took a seat in one of the arm chairs that – conveniently – were placed in the center of the sitting area.

“It´s so great that you're here,” Jamie gushed. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“Sure, anything,” I smiled.

She returned shortly with a glass filled with green liquid.

“What´s this?” I eyed the drink suspiciously and took a small sip. I was pleasantly surprised. “It´s good”

“I know,” Kaelie said from the couch next to me. “It´s called the Green Cheater,” she giggled.

I frowned at her.

_What the…_

“I don´t cheat,” I pronounced every syllable carefully.

“You _will_ ,” Emma sounded sure of herself.

“Lay the fuck off or I'm leaving,” I hissed. This was getting on my nerves.

“No, Clary. I´m sorry,” Emma looked ready to cry. “I won't say anything else.”

“None of us will,” Kaelie pleaded.

“Fine, you get _one_ more chance, but that's it.”

 

 

 

I actually had a good time after that was cleared up. Not as much as I had with Jace and the others, but still. The _Iceyes_ worked wonders for my self-esteem.

“We should be going,” I said after checking the time on my phone.

“We will, just look at this photo of us from spring break,” Jamie handed me a picture and I took it with a sigh.

They were all there, Emma, Jamie, Jordan, Maia, Kaelie, Toby, a few others whose name I hadn't bothered to learn, Aline and… My face was drained of color and I thought I would faint.

“Who is _tha_ t?” I hardly recognized my own voice.

“That´s Seb,” Kaelie sounded giddy.

“I… Maybe you should call him after all,” I heard myself say, my eyes never leaving the photo.

The hair color was wrong and this boy had one dimple instead of two, but… the way the corner of his mouth was tilted in that familiar half-smile, the shape of his jaw, the mischievous glint in his eyes… It all reminded me of...

_Jonathan._

**Thank you for reading**

 


	12. 11

**'Disclaimer:** (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

**Yohio – Our story** Jace on open mic night

**Avril Lavigne – Things I´ll never say** Clary

_"Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there."_

_~_ Erma Bombeck

Chapter 11

 

 

 

I sighed with relief when I saw Clary walk inside Pandemonium five minutes before it was my turn on stage.

“See, she made it,” Izzy patted me on the back. “I told you she wouldn't miss it.”

“Yeah, you're right,” I smiled at her.

I hadn´t really thought she would miss it, but she was almost an hour late.

“The _Iceyes_ probably took too long to get ready,” Magnus suggested. “You know girls.”

“That's probably it,” Clary's eyes met mine and I nodded towards the stage, letting her know that I would be up next. She smiled at me and turned to the phone in her hand.

My own buzzed in my back pocket.

 

 

 

**{Meet me in the storage room after. ~C}**

 

 

I smiled looked back at her and nodded my yes.

I suddenly felt extremely nervous. How would she react to the song? Would she understand the meaning behind it? Did she feel the same?

I tried to shrug off the questions and headed to the stage. I walked up the steps, grabbed the mic and said. “This is for you, Lucy.”

 

 

_Every time I look into your eyes_ __  
There's something deep inside my heart  
That screams your name  
I'll be insane If we keep going on like this  
I even miss you when you're sleeping  
here right next to me  
There's no one else but you

__  
  
We're living in a dream  
An endless fantasy  
You´re never alone  
so forget your sorrow  
Hey we were meant to be  
Just close your eyes, you'll see  
that you're a part of me  
My precious story  
Fly away

__  
  
All this time  
We've laughed until we cried  
just to see each other smile  
and now  
you'll always be the one for me  
that makes me feel like I'm alive  
I am still searching for that story  
we always dreamt of  
I hope you're searching too

__  
  
We're living in a dream  
An endless fantasy  
You're never alone  
so forget your sorrow  
When all you feel is pain  
I'll kiss you in the rain  
'cus everything's okay  
when we're together  
Me and you

__  
  
  
We're living in a dream  
An endless fantasy  
You're never alone  
so forget your sorrow  
Hey, we were meant to be  
Just close your eyes, you'll see  
that you're a part of me  
My precious story

__  
  
We're living in a dream  
An endless fantasy  
You're never alone  
So forget your sorrow  
When all you feel is pain  
I'll kiss you in the rain  
'cus everything's okay  
When we're together  
Me and you

I walked swiftly towards the storage room, scanning the club for Clary in the process.

I was a mess, I had no idea what waited me on the other side of that door and it scared me shitless.

Just as I reached for the doorknob I felt a small hand in mine. The tension left my body at once and we walked in together.

I pressed my lips against hers and tasted the salt from her tears.

I took a step back from her “Lucy?” why was she crying.

“You love me?” I couldn't decipher the sound of her voice.

“Yes,” I answered calmly, even though my stomach was turning somersaults.

All breath left my lungs as she threw herself in my arms.

“I…” she started “…I…”

My heart swelled in my chest. Somehow I _knew_ what she was trying to say.

“It´s okay, Lucy,” I mumbled against her hair. “You don't have to say it.” _Yet_ , I added inside my head.

“Let´s get out of here,” she said and tugged at my arm.

“I have to tell the others, I´m their ride.”

“Just tell them to come, too.” Clary suggested. “We could hang out with them for a while.”

I texted Alec to find the others and meet us by the car and opened the door. I thought we would go our separate ways and meet on the outside but she took my hand in hers again and walked beside me the entire time.

That felt much bigger than her uttering those three little words.

Alec and the gang were already by my car when we reached it.

“Oh munchkin, I take it that you enjoyed your song,” Magnus looked at our entwined fingers. “I hope she thanked you properly Jacy Wacy.”

“Yeah, Maggie. I totally went down on him in the bathroom,” she rolled her eyes.

My breath caught at the image her words created and I started coughing.

“I don't think you did good job though, Gumdrop,” he looked me up and down. “He still looks a little tense.”

Clary just gave him a sweet smile and flipped him off.

I tossed my keys to Alec and he caught them effortlessly. “We´ll see you at Simon’s in a few.”

“Sure thing,” they climbed into the car and drove off.

“You don't have to keep me company, you know,” she sounded embarrassed.

“I want to,” I said and glanced at her and caught sight of the beautiful red tint to her cheeks

“But, just because I can't…doesn't mean you shouldn´t.”

I pulled her closer and wrapped my arms around her waist.

“It´s okay, walking is good for stamina,” I grinned and winked at her.

“I´ve only been inside a car two times since…” she didn´t finish. “To and from the airport when we moved here,” the sorrow in her voice made me ache to take it all away.

“It´s alright,” I tried to come up with something to make her smile. “There goes my plan for the backseat.”

A small smile turned the corner of her mouth upwards. “I need a drink,” she said.

“We´ll get you something when we get to Si’s.”

“But not tequila,” her smile was radiant.

I stole a quick kiss. “No, not tequila.”

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

_He loves me? He loves me! Oh_ god _!_

My head felt like it was about to explode with the words that were somehow stuck on repeat.

I was happy… and nauseous, but mostly happy.

I glanced at him were he sat on the arm chair across from where I was perched on the couch. Did I feel the same? The answer to that question was easy.

A loud screaming _YES_!

But, was I ready to tell him that? The last time I said those words were when…  No, I couldn't say it. Not yet anyway.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, but I ignored it.

I sipped on my drink and noticed that Jace’s hands were empty. “You´re not drinking anything?” I asked

“Nah,” he grinned, but I didn't miss the other's glances.

“Oh,” I put my drink down on the table between us, but he handed it back to me.

“Just because I shouldn´t doesn´t mean you can't,” he smirked, twisting my own words around.

_Shouldn´t?_

I decided to ask him about that some other time.

“We should make this weekend’s get-together special,” Maggie said excitedly. “It's the last weekend before the last weekend before school starts.”

“That's not something to celebrate,” Simon whined. “That means we have to return to Hell-school in less than two weeks.”

“Don't be such a spoil sport,” Maggie scowled. “It´s senior year. What can be wrong with that?”

“The _Iceyes_ ,” Simon grumbled.

I felt guilty even though I couldn't take the blame for what happened before I moved here.

“I forgot about them,” the blush on Maggie’s cheeks clashed horrible with his pink shirt.

“It could be the same for you this year, Mags,” Alec looked worried. “Are you sure you can handle that?”

“Don´t worry about me, Alec,” Maggie kissed him, “I know too much about them to risk that.”

I could tell from the look in Izzy’s eyes that she half expected me to reassure them that they would be fine. That I wouldn´t let the _Iceyes_ near them. I didn´t.

To be able to cope with my two lives I had to keep them apart from one another.

It was clear that my silence disappointed her.

I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat on the couch, Jace came over and sat down on the arm rest.

“Don´t worry about it, Lucy,” he whispered in my ear. “It´s just one more year, then we'll be outta here.”

I nodded and rested my head on his chest.

“Yeah, but you can go to any college you want,” Simon pouted. “All of us are not that lucky.”

“You can?” I asked. “What does that mean?”

“Jacy-Poo here is at the top of our class. He'll be valedictorian this year, for sure.”

“Oh, I didn't know that,” I admitted slightly embarrassed.

“There seems to be a lot you don't know about each other,” Izzy sounded ominous.

“Yeah,” Simon laughed. “One can wonder what you do instead of talking.”

I buried my face in the crook of Jace’s neck, trying to hide the revealing blush. It wasn't that I didn't want to know everything about him, I _did_. But it felt wrong to ask, when I didn't tell him everything about myself.

I scratched underneath my bracelet with the tip of my finger and thought about Jace’s mother. Maybe I should be honest about that part? Maybe I should show him my last scars?

 

 

 

 

We walked hand in hand towards my house and it felt nice being alone with him again.

“Don't let Izzy bother you,” he said as we entered my bedroom. “She´s just protective, that´s all.”

“She's right, though,” I sighed. “I should know that my boyfriend´s a genius.”

“Well, I wouldn't go _that_ far,” he chuckled.

I didn´t look at him as I removed the bracelet. “There´s something I haven't told you about,” I said and all but shoved my arm into his face, showing off the scars on my wrist and the tattoo of Jon´s name.

I heard him gasp, but held my stare fixed on my feet.

“Look at me, Lucy,” his voice was barely above a whisper. “Please,” he added when I didn't do as he said.

I lifted my head and peered at him underneath lowered eyelids.

“Don't _ever_ do something like that again,” the pain and worry in his eyes made me want to cry.

Jace stroked the tattoo with gentle fingers.

My phone buzzed again, but I just kept ignoring it.

“Don't you want to check that? It might be important.”

“No,” wrapped my arms around him and pressed my lips to his jaw. “ _You_ ´re the only thing that's important.”

We made love slow and carefully that night. Savoring every kiss, every touch, and every sensation as if it was the last.

When Jace fell asleep I got out of bed to check my messages. I had four new texts.

 

 

**{Who the F is Lucy? ~K}**

 

 

I smiled a little at that one. If they only knew.

 

 

 

**{I gave S ur number. Hope u don't mind ~J}**

 

 

_Stubborn bitch_

The next one made my stomach clench painfully and I was overwhelmed with guilt, even though I hadn't done anything.

 

 

 

**{It was gr8t talking 2 u. Sweet dreams ~S}**

 

 

 

We hadn't really talked about _anything_. I made sure he understood that I had a boyfriend. So why did I feel like a cheater?

The last text was from Maggie.

 

 

**{I really hope you know what you´re doing, half-pint ~M}**

 

 

 

So do I, Maggie. So do I.

 

 

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

Something was up with Clary.

It wasn't anything obvious. She was the same in every way. She smiled, laughed, teased our friends and threw herself into planning out the perfect weekend with the help of Magnus.

We still made love every night and even though she had yet to utter those three little words I could see them in her eyes every time I expressed my love for her.

So there was no reason for my concern, but I still felt like something wasn't right.

Friday came with great weather and everything was set up for a barbecue in Cary’s yard. She and Magnus had even put together a makeshift stage and brought out all our instruments, the extension cords crossed the grass.

Alec took charge of the food – claiming that barbecuing was a man’s job – and soon the mouthwatering aromas of chicken, potatoes and different kinds of vegetables filled the air.

Clary ate like she always did, like she hadn't seen food in weeks.

“I have to ask, Twinkle toes,” Magnus said and gave her an envious glare “Where the hell do you put everything?”

“I don't know, Maggie,” she giggled that gasped as if hit by a realization, “maybe I'm Satan after all.”

“Please tell us something we _don't_ know,” Izzy said, then smiled brightly to show that she was joking.

I had told them a little about Clary’s past, with her permission of course, and they understood a little more now.

Simon started the music and Izzy talked Clary and Magnus into dancing with her.

I was completely enthralled by my sexy girlfriend that I didn't see Simon until he waved a napkin in front of my face, successfully blocking my view.

“Jace…you have a little…” he pointed at his own chin, “…drool.”

“Shut up,” I muttered, but took the napkin and wiped my mouth, just in case.

“Do you mind if I borrow your guitar later?” he asked.

“Why?” I tried to peer around him to look at the three dancers, but no such luck. “Sure, knock yourself out. Now, can you move your skinny ass.”

Simon snickered. “I can´t wait for you guys to pass this stage.”

I glared at him “What stage is that?”

“The stage where you can´t keep your hands and eyes away from each other.”

None of us had noticed that Clary had returned until she sat down on my lap and gave me a lingering kiss. “I don't think we'll _ever_ pass that stage,” she whispered against my lips.

I silently agreed with her.

“Aww,” Magnus cooed. “You guys are soooo cute together. You'll totally get married someday and be Mr. and Mrs. Short Cake.”

“Sure,” Clary giggled. “I´ll hire you as the wedding planner, Izzy as dress-maker, Simon to take care of the music and Alec could get ordained to perform the ceremony.”

Simon looked shocked. “She´s got the whole thing planned out already. I would run if I were you.”

“Unlike you Si, I'm not afraid of strong women who knows what they want,” I grinned.

“Am _not_ ,” he scowled.

“Have you _ever_ told Izzy ‘no’, about _anything_?” I raised an eyebrow, daring him to prove me wrong.

“We happen to agree on everything,” he claimed.

“Puh-lease,” I scoffed. “You´re a shopping trip away from wearing matching outfits.”

“I could tell her ‘no’ if I wanted to,” Simon tried to sound convincing but ruined everything by glancing over his shoulder at Izzy and whispering; ”But don´t tell her I said that.”

“Clary giggled. “God, Simon. You're such a _girl_.”

“Yeah, Si,” I snickered. “Strong women are _hot_.”

He just huffed and strutted over to the cooler by the stage.

“Can I get you anything to drink, Tinkerbelle?” Magnus asked.

“Tinkerbelle? Seriously?” She laughed at him. “I´m not the one who´s always covered in fairy dust.”

“Don't hate on the glitter, Duracell,” he put his hands on his hips and gave her a stern look, “It's what makes me, well _me_.”

“I would never hate on the glitter,” Clary giggled. “Just keep it away from me and what's with Duracell? Like I have that much energy?”

“It´s the battery with the copper top,” he grinned at her. “You would look absolutely _fabulous_ in glitter,” he exclaimed. “Don't you think so, Blondie-bear?”

“Lucy looks fantastic in everything,” I replied honestly.

“You two are so sweet, you're giving me a toothache,” Izzy complained and sat down on a lawn chair next to us.

“Oh lay off, Izzy,” Alec chided her. “You and Si were exactly like that when you got together.”

Izzy looked at Simon and a soft smile spread across her face. “Yeah, we're pretty good together.”

“Sure you are,” Alec nodded. “We just can't decide which one wears the pants in your relationship.”

“Be _nice_ ,” Clary scowled.

“You ready, Clary?” Simon hollered.

“What´s this?” I asked when she nodded and got up from my lap.

“Simon promised to help me with something,” she blushed.

“Oh?”

“Yeah…well…just…don't laugh, okay.”

Clary walked up to the stage and grabbed the mic, “I'm not even close to how great you are, but I figured that it´s my turn.”

 

 

 

_I'm tugging at my hair_ __  
I'm pulling at my clothes  
I'm trying to keep my cool I know it shows  
  


__  
I'm staring at my feet  
My cheeks are turning red  
I'm searching for the words inside my head  
  


__  
I'm feeling nervous  
Trying to be so perfect  
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it Yeah  
  


__  
If I could say what I wanna say  
I'd say I wanna blow you… away

_Be with you every night_ __  
Am I squeezing you too tight?  
  


__  
If I could say what I wanna see  
I wanna see you go down …on one knee

_Marry me today_ __  
Guess I'm wishing my life away  
With these things I'll never say  
  


__  
It don't do me any good  
It's just a waste of time  
What use is it to you? What's on my mind?  
  


__  
If it ain't coming out (If it ain't coming out)  
We're not going anywhere  
So why can't I just tell you that I care?  
  


__  
'Cause I'm feeling nervous  
Trying to be so perfect  
Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it, Yeah  
  


__  
If I could say what I wanna say  
I'd say I wanna blow you… away

_Be with you every night_ __  
Am I squeezing you too tight?  
  


__  
If I could say what I wanna see  
I wanna see you go down…on one knee

_Marry me today_ __  
Guess I'm wishing my life away  
(uh) With these things I'll never say  
  


_What's wrong with my tongue?_ __  
These words keep slipping away  
I stutter I stumble  
Like I've got nothing to say  
  


__  
'Cause I'm feeling nervous  
Trying to be so perfect  
'Cause I know you're worth it  
You're worth it, Yeah, Eh-Eh!  
  
  
Guess I'm wishing my life away  
These things I'll never say  
If I could say what I wanna say  
I'd say I wanna blow you… away

_Be with you every night_ __  
Am I squeezing you too tight?  
  


__  
If I could say what I wanna see  
I wanna see you go down…on one knee

_Marry me today_ _  
Guess I'm wishing my life away  
these things I'll never say  
these things I'll never say_ __  
  


 

 

I stared at her with my mouth hanging open. Of all the ways I imagined Clary telling me how she felt, this wasn't even on the list.

Alec punched my gently on the shoulder, “So…we're gonna take off.”

I nodded. I only had eyes for the gorgeous redhead that was walking towards me, so I didn't even noticed when the left.

“You love me,” I whispered when she reached me.

“Yeah, I do,” she smiled.

“I love you too,” I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her, leaving us breathless.

“I was counting on that.”

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

 

Jace was asleep in my bed and I was in the basement, trying to punch away the dark thoughts that prevented me from sleeping.

My happiness was clouded by the guilt that pricked at me like tiny, sharp needles.

I didn´t matter how much I told myself that Jon would want me to be happy, I still didn't feel like I had the right.

My phone buzzed where I threw it on the mattress and I glared at it. I didn’t have the patience to deal with the _Iceyes_ right now.

The only person I wanted to talk to was forever lost to me.

My ringtone echoed in the silence and I was almost afraid to see who the caller was.

When I finally conjured up the courage to look at the display I wished I hadn´t. Seb’s name flashed across the screen.

My brain screamed at me not to answer, but my body didn't listen.

“Hello?”

“Clary, I was hoping you would still be awake,” Seb greeted me happily.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten. “What´s up?”

“Nothing much, just that I talk to my favorite girl before _bed_ ,” the way he said the word ‘bed’ made chills of discomfort run down my spine.

“Ahem, okay…” I didn't know what to say. “I was just about to turn in actually.”

“Your boyfriend´s not there to take care of you?”

I didn't like the tone of his voice.

“He's already asleep,” I exaggerated a yawn, hoping that he would take the hint.

“Then I will not keep you from him,” something menacing had crept into his voice.

“Yeah, good night,” I wondered if I sounded as uncomfortable as I felt.

“Good night, beautiful. Sweet dreams,” he hung up.

I stared at my phone for several minutes, I was so deep into my own thoughts that I didn't hear Jace coming down the stairs.

“Something wrong, Lucy?” he asked and sat down beside me on the mattress.

“I gave him a tired smile. “No, I just couldn't sleep and didn't want to disturb you.”

“How do you feel now?” he asked

“I'm sleepy,” I yawned.

“Let’s go upstairs then,” he got to his feet and tugged gently on my arm.

“Can't we sleep here instead?” I needed to fall asleep to the _real_ image of my brother and _not_ the boy who looked like him.

“Okay baby,” Jace gave me light peck on the cheek. “I´ll just grab pillows and blankets and be right back,” he disappeared up the stairs.

I stared at one of the paintings of Jon. “Tell me what to do, big brother.”

His dark eyes looked back at me but nothing came out of his mouth.

 

**Thank you for reading.**


	13. 12

'Disclaimer: (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible. George Chakiris

 

Chapter 12

 

I was woken up by soft kisses that rained all over my face. “Good morning, Lucy,” I mumbled as her lips met mine.  
“Good morning, baby,” she smiled down at me.  
I stretched on the narrow mattress and wrapped my arms around her. “I see why you like to sleep down here.”  
“Pfft,” she giggled. “You just like that we have to lie pressed against each other because the lack of space.”  
“Yes, of course,” I grinned. “Is there another reason?”  
“You're such a guy,” she threw her pillow at me.  
“Oh, yes,” I rolled on top of her and pushed my morning hard-on against her pelvis. “And you love me.”  
She stiffened and looked away. “I do,” she almost whispered. “I need a shower.”  
“Um…Yeah…Sure,” I stuttered and got to my feet. “I´ll just make breakfast while you get cleaned up.”  
Clary nodded and headed up the stairs.  
I stood still for a moment, waiting for the sudden pang in my chest to fade. I tried to convince myself that nothing was wrong. She was after all a girl and it was common knowledge that girls didn't want sex as much as guys. Besides, she just told me she loved me for crying out loud.  
I walked slowly up the stairs and continued up towards her bedroom to fetch some clothes.  
The door to the bathroom was wide open and I could hear her crying over the sound of the running water. I stepped inside and found her sitting on the floor of the shower. Her head rested against her knees and her whole body shook with loud sobs. Every sob broke my heart; I hated it when she cried. Even more so now, when I had no idea why.  
“Lucy? What's the matter?” I got down on my haunches in front of her and wrapped my arms around her trembling body.  
“Oh Jace,” she wept. “I´m sorry.”  
“Baby,” I cooed. “You have nothing to apologize for.” A small, insecure part of me hoped that I was right about that.  
“It´s just…” she swallowed hard. “I feel so guilty.”  
“About what?” I asked hesitantly.  
“Being happy,” she whispered. “Being in love.”  
“I understand Lucy,” and I did. Survivor’s guilt was not something you got over easily. “But you have to remember that your brother saved your life. So that you could live, not bury yourself in guilt.”  
She looked up at me with red rimmed eyes and nodded.  
“I love you,” I told her.  
A small smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. “I love you, too.”  
“Finish your shower and I´ll make breakfast,” I stood up and grabbed a towel to dry off the water that sprayed over me.  
In her bedroom I pulled on a pair of sweats and descended the stairs. The cupboards and fridge showed signs of needing to be restocked. There was at least enough for scrambled eggs.  
The coffee was just done brewing when she entered the kitchen.   
“I could get used to this,” she smiled and took a bite out of her food.  
“Don't tell me that no one has ever made you breakfast before,” I grinned incredulously.   
“Well, not really,” she shrugged. “I never ate breakfast before the accident and after… well, the parents had other things on their minds.”  
I hated the way her parents treated her. How could anyone do that to their own child? Completely forget about them?  
“How about we make a deal?” I suggested. “I'll make breakfast every morning until your parents come home.”  
She giggled. “And what do you want in return for that?”  
I grinned and leant back in my chair. “I think we could come up with something.”

xxx

 

A couple of hours after spending time doing other things than eating… okay, so there was some eating, we walked to the convenience store.  
It was funny how it could feel so amazing doing such ordinary things, just because I did them with Clary.  
“Okay,” she said while pushing the trolley up and down the aisles. “What´s on the list?” she came to a sudden halt. “Wait, we didn't even make a list.”  
“Guess we didn´t,” I chuckled. “We'll just have to wing it.”  
“Okay,” she smiled. “What are you in the mood for?”  
“Besides you, you mean?” I loved her blush. “I don't know. How much do we need? When do your parents get home?”  
“Some time next weekend.”  
“That makes it five breakfasts, six lunches and six dinners,” I did the math easily in my head. “That´s if we take for granted that they´ll show up on Friday after lunch.”  
“Only five breakfasts?” she asked.  
“Tomorrow is Sunday, ergo brunch at Taki’s.”  
“Yeah, I forgot about that.”  
“You'll be going to Java's with the c-jerks, right?”  
Her shoulders sagged for a second, and then she straightened her back and shook her head. “No, not this time.”  
I felt like pumping my fist in the air and do a little happy dance, but I didn't because that would be childish. But any time she spent away from them was worth celebrating. I started gathering the groceries we would need. We decided to split up, to shorten the time at the store and meet up at the till when we were done. It turned out that my food loving girlfriend sucked at shopping for it. When we met up she was only carrying a bag of spicy potato chips, a container of cream cheese and a twelve pack condoms.  
I raised an eyebrow at her and she blushed.  
“It started out good with these two,” she nodded at the chips and dip in her right hand, “but then I got distracted,” she looked at the condoms in her left hand with wide eyes. “Did you know how many different kinds there are?”  
I chuckled quietly. “Way ahead of you, Lucy.” I picked up and showed her the two boxes from the cart.  
Clary's eyes became even larger, if that was possible, “Wow, cocky much?”  
I shrugged and moved to the checkout line, “We only have a few days left on our own. I just want to take advantage of them.”  
“This is thirty-six condoms, Jace,” she stared at me, “you don't actually believe we'll use them all in six days, do you?”  
“Is that a challenge, Lucy?” I grinned at her.  
The blush that colored her cheeks was expected, but not the wicked gleam in her eyes. “You bet your sweet ass it is.”

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

Four hours and six condoms later we were seated at the kitchen table enjoying our dinner. Jace’s hair was a complete mess – a sexy mess – from me running my fingers through it over and over again.  
“When are we expected next door?” I asked after I finished my meal and carried the plate to the sink.  
“I´m not sure they´re expecting us at all tonight,” he smirked.  
I rolled my eyes at him. “Okay, when did you say we would show up?”  
He looked at the clock above the doorway. “At eight. Almost two hours left.”  
“Okay,” I smiled. “That should be enough time.”  
He wiggled his eyebrows at me. “Time for what?”  
I huffed at the innuendo. “I wanted to ask you something.”  
“No I have nothing against a little backdoor lovin,’”  
He looked so proud of himself when I sputtered indignantly that I seriously considered throwing a pan at him. “That´s not what I wanted to ask, perv,” I scowled. “Btw, gross.”   
“Why didn't you say that?” he snickered. “Here I got my hopes up and everything.”  
“God, can you be serious for once,” I was getting pissed off and the tequila in the freezer seemed to be calling my name.  
Jace sobered up instantly, “I´m sorry, Lucy. What did you want to ask?”  
“You said the other day that you shouldn't drink…” I hesitated “…what did you mean by that?”  
Jace cringed “I sorta had a little trouble with alcohol, a little over two years ago.”  
“Oh?” I eyed him carefully. “What kind of problem?”  
Not alcoholism, right? Then he wouldn't be drinking at all anymore, right?  
Jace sighed. “Okay, I'll tell you everything. There was this girl, Tessa. She was the sweetest person I'd ever met. She was the only one who talked to us, even in public. We were friends. She didn't care about what others thought,” he smiled at the memories.  
“You liked her,” it wasn´t a question.  
“Well, yeah. But not like that. She was a friend,” Jace emphasized the word. “The Iceyes started noticing her, especially one of them,” bitterness clouded his voice.   
“They started dating. I tried to tell her that he only used her to get back at me, but she refused to listen,” he laughed humorlessly. “Then he started to get…weird. He would show up wherever she was, call every ten minutes and more or less demand that she spent all her time with him. Tessa thought it was sweet, can you believe that?”  
I knew the question was rhetorical, but I answered anyway. “No baby, I really can´t. That sounds awful.”  
“When he successfully alienated her from all her friends, he convinced her to sleep with him.”  
The way he said ‘convinced’ made me think that something other than plain coercion was involved.  
“The next day he broke up with her. Very publicly, I might add. During lunch he told her he couldn´t be with someone who was such a lousy lay, that she was clingy and so ugly than he had to think about others just to get it up,” Jace almost growled out the words. “He looked at me the while he was saying those things, which only proved that I was right the whole time. He did it because of me.”  
I wondered who the bastard was that could do something like that, but since Jace hadn't mention his name during his story; I chose not to ask.  
“Tessa tried to kill herself that same night, but thankfully she was unsuccessful. She never returned to school and her family moved shortly thereafter.   
“That´s horrible,” I gasped. ‘Horrible’ didn't even come close to describe it.  
“I snapped. Everything with my mom came rushing back. I got really drunk for the first time, not just drunk, but totally-out-of-control-no-boundaries-whatsoever-shitfaced. I found the fucker and beat him to a bloody pulp. I honestly think I would´ve killed him, but Alec and Si followed me and dragged me away. I somehow managed to not be charged with assault, but got suspended from school for three weeks. I wasn't sober for a minute those three weeks. Drinking felt like the only way to cope with everything that happened.”  
“But…somehow you stopped,” he said.  
“The weekend before my suspension ended Alec, Si and Izzy did this whole Intervention ting. They literally tied me down to my bed and refused to leave until I ‘saw the error of my ways’ or some crap like that,” he shook his head. “Anyway, it took three days, but eventually they got through to me and I didn't touch alcohol for six month after that.”  
“Why did you?” I asked. “Drink again, I mean.”  
“I don't know,” he shrugged than grinned sheepishly. “I´m a guy. I had to see if I could, you know. Without falling off the wagon, so to speak.”  
“Okay,” I smiled at him. “Thank you for telling me this.”  
“Of course, Lucy,” he smiled back at me. “I still drink sometimes, but I've never been drunk again. Well, except for when I punched Toby for having his hand all over you.”  
I blushed a little, was it wrong to be turned on by that? “Then I won't drink when we´re together,” I told him somberly. “Not unless you do”  
He pulled me down on his lap with my back to him and placed soft kisses on the sensitive skin behind my ear. “That’s sweet of you, Lucy. But you don't have to.”  
“I know I don't have to,” I said a little breathlessly. “But I want to.”  
“Are we done talking now?” his voice against my throat sent vibrations throughout my body, making me shiver.   
I turned around, straddled him and answered his question with a deep kiss.

 

xxx

 

Later we walked next door and arrived at eight on the dot.   
“Wow, I´m impressed,” Simon snickered. “I was positive that you would be late.”  
“I can't believe that you thought so low about me,” my scowl was ruined when I started to giggle.  
“Oh no, Clary,” Simon shook his head exaggeratedly. “It´s him I don´t trust.”  
Jace chuckled and gave him a one-shoulder shrug. “Hey, if it was up to me we wouldn't have shown up at all.”  
Izzy smiled at me. “You're good for him, you know that?”  
I blushed and met the golden eyes of my boyfriend. “I hope so.”  
“Yeah, he´s less jackass-y when you're around,” Simon sounded grateful.  
“Aww, Si,” Jace grinned. “Do you feel neglected? I haven't forgotten about you.”  
“No, no,” Simon’s worried expression was hilarious and I had to fight the urge to laugh. “It´s fine. Don´t worry about me. Ever.”  
“Just remember,” Izzy said. “If you hurt him, I will hurt you.”  
“Pfft,” Maggie huffed. “I´m sure you could take down most girls, Iz. But Pippi Longstocking over there is too much, even for you.”  
Izzy looked like she was about to show him just how big an asskicker she was, so I decided to intervene and pulled her attention back towards me.  
“I have no doubt when it comes to your ability to kick my ass from here to next week. But I promise you this; if I ever do something to hurt Jace, intentional or not, I will take any beating you throw my way and I won't defend myself.”  
“Good, as long as we're clear,” Izzy´s grin didn´t diminish the seriousness of her words.  
I wasn't offended by her threat. I understood where she was coming from. She loved her brother and I would've done the same for mine.  
“So, are you brunching with the Mentally Impaired tomorrow?” Alec asked me.  
I laughed so hard at the accurate description of them that Jace had to answer the question on my behalf.   
“Nope,” popping the p with a huge shit-eating grin on his face. “Lucy will be joining us from the start this time.”  
“Really? Izzy smiled approvingly. “Does that mean that you'll be making an appearance before the check arrives?”  
He stuck out his tongue at her.  
“Very mature, Jace,” she turned to me. “Why are boys such babies?”   
“I have no idea. I think it has to do with breasts,” I giggled. “They spend their whole life trying to get them back.”  
“I, myself was a bottle baby,” Maggie said.  
I scoffed playfully at him. “O Maggie, that doesn't surprise me at all.”  
The others laughed and we continued talking about the upcoming weekend.  
“What exactly is the Back to School Bash?” I asked  
“The B2SB, as it´s called, is held at Pandemonium,” Izzy explained. “It´s more or less a typical club night, but it’s only open to high school students, which means strictly non-alcoholic beverages.”  
“Oh, that sounds very, um…dull.”  
“Yeah, it kinda is,” Alec admitted, “but it´s always some drama going on. So we take our seats and enjoy the ‘show’.”  
“Still sounds boring as hell, but I try to make an appearance,” I rather spend the time before school started with Jace. We wouldn't get that much time together afterwards, with my parents being home, homework and other crap.  
“Will you be going with the Bitch squad, Peppermint Patty?” Maggie asked.  
I sighed. “I guess so.” I knew Seb would be home by then and I didn't want to meet him. I was afraid of how much he would look like Jon and how I would feel either way.  
The only thing I was certain of was that nothing would change how I felt about Jace.

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

The rain poured down on Sunday, but none of us wanted to miss out on the food at Taki’s, so we went anyway. Clary and I huddled under an umbrella and the others took my car.  
We were the last to arrive and I was surprised when she asked me to order for the both of us. Knowing how important food was too her I was honored. I chose sweet potato fries and a burger for me and a buffet platter for her. Essentially it was a plate with a variety of assorted breakfast food, like eggs, sausage, meatballs and other of the sorts.  
She beamed at me, pleased with my choice and dug in as soon as the waitress brought it out for us.  
“I see that food is the way to a woman’s heart as well,” Magnus mused as he watched her eat.  
“Oh no,” I said with a smirk. “The way to a woman’s heart is through…”  
“Jace!” Izzy hissed. “We're eating here.”  
“I was going to say music,” I shook my head with mock sorrow. “Keep your mind out of the gutter, sis.”  
Her scowl made me laugh.  
“What's the plan for the rest of the week?” Alec asked.  
“Actually Clary and I will spend most of the time by ourselves,” I said. “Her parents comes back this weekend and we want to take advantage of the time that´s left.”  
“If you decide to come up for air once in awhile, you know where to find us,” Alec smiled.  
“Yeah, but don't count on it.”  
“We won´t,” Magnus chuckled. “But how will you avoid the Iceyes?”  
“I sent them a text last night, claiming I had the flu and would stay in bed all week,” Clary giggled.  
I smiled at her. “At least you weren't lying about the last part.”  
She scowled. “I´m not spending the whole week having sex with you.”  
“That´s right, baby Red. Show him who's boss,” Magnus cheered.  
I grinned at him, slid closer to Clary, put my lips against her ear and whispered, “Are you sure about that, Lucy?” letting my breath heat her skin.  
The slight hitch in her breathing gave her away. “Mmm-hmm,” was her somewhat shaky response.  
I turned towards Magnus again with raised eyebrows.  
“Sorry, Jace,” he said. “I stand corrected.”  
Clary blushed adorably and I gave her a chaste kiss on her pouted lips.  
“Jace is being his usual assy self, I see,” Izzy grinned. “Are you sure you don't want to kick him to the curb and go looking for someone else?”  
Clary paled and stared at her with wide eyes. “No! I would never do that,” she almost snapped.  
“Um,” Izzy fidgeted uncomfortably. “It was a joke.”  
“It wasn't funny,” Clary muttered under her breath.  
Simon broke the awkward tension by pointing at her and crooning. “Who´s a little Miss Crabby pants, who´s a little Miss Crabby pants?”  
“Only I get to call her names,” Magnus declared. “You don't have the magnificent imagination that I have.”  
“Magnificent, huh?” Some of the color had started to return to Clary’s face and she looked more like herself again.  
“Yes, absolutely,” he waved around with his arms, almost knocking over Alec’s glass. “Magnus the Magnificent. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?”  
“Do you know who else have a nice…mhmf,” Simon got cut off when Izzy covered his mouth with her hand.  
“Ignore him,” she laughed nervously. “He had too much to drink last night, must still be drunk.”  
I eyed the both of them speculatively, but remained quiet.  
“Clary, can't you persuade your boyfriend to hang out with us one time this week, “Izzy pleaded. “It´s not like he´s the only one who´ll miss you once school starts.”  
I was annoyed with my sister’s attempt to guilt-trip me into something I didn´t wanted. Especially since it was working.  
“Maybe we could do a girl’s night tomorrow?” Clary suggested. “You could help me pick out what to wear on Saturday and show me which online-stores you shop from?”  
I groaned loudly to show my displeasure with the idea.  
“That sounds perfect,” Izzy beamed and I imagined that she shouted I win, sucker inside her head.  
“I wanna come to,” Magnus pouted. “I have a fabulous fashion sense.”  
“As long as you keep your glitter to yourself, you're welcome too, Maggie.”  
“Thank you, Suga’,” he nodded regally.  
I wasn't thrilled with having my plans demolished. But the happy smile on Clary’s face made it worth it.  
“We can talk about every annoying trait of our boyfriends,” Izzy suggested.  
Simon looked a little worried and that, but I didn't think Clary had anything bad to say about me. It was Izzy that had stories to share and not knowing what she could spill bothered me.  
“So when do you want us to come over?” Magnus asked.  
“Um, seven?”  
“Sounds great,” Izzy smiled. “I can´t wait.”  
“I can,” I muttered so quietly that I didn't think anyone heard me.

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

Jace kissed me goodbye on the porch the next night. He didn't stop when Izzy cleared her throat for the third time. Not until she smacked him over the back of his head did his lips leave mine.  
“Jace!” Izzy snapped. “Let go of the poor girl and go over to Si´s like a good little boy or next time I´ll hit you below the belt.”  
He kissed me one last time and then he turned around and walked towards Simon’s house while muttering about bossy sisters.  
“Finally,” she huffed. “I thought he would never leave.”  
I laughed at her, motioned for her and Maggie to step inside and closed the door behind us.  
I gave them the grand tour of the ground and top floors and ended it in my bedroom. Izzy went straight to my closet and started rummaging through my clothes.  
“You got some great stuff here,” she said with appreciation. “But most of it looks a little too…”  
“Clary the Teenage Bitch?” Maggie suggested as he looked through my dresser.  
“Exactly,” Izzy nodded.  
I giggled at Maggie’s very fitting nickname. “You´re not wrong,” I admitted sheepishly.   
“We love you anyway, Cricket,” Maggie put his arm around my shoulder.  
I couldn't believe how lucky I was. I never wanted to move here. But I ended up finding fantastic friends and very possibly the love of my life.  
Izzy and Maggie put together an outfit that would hopefully render Jace speechless. A black skater skirt, a white crop, with a sheer black shirt over it.  
The sound of my ringtone startled me and I ran to the phone on my nightstand thinking it was Jace. When it was Seb’s name that showed on the screen I quickly hit ignore and turned it off. Izzy and Maggie eyed me curiously and I mumbled, “Wrong number,” hoping they would leave it at that.  
Maggie’s knowing glance told me that I hadn't fooled him.   
“So Clary,” Izzy threw herself on my bed. “What's your plans for after high school?”  
“College,” I answered. “Don´t care where, just as long as it´s far away from here and that there´s a decent art program.”  
“Have you discussed your plans with Jace?” she asked.  
“No,” I admitted and blushed with embarrassment. Another thing we hadn't talked about. “But I know he wants to leave this place as much as I do. I´m sure we'll figure it out.”  
“Do you want to go to college with him?” Maggie inquired.  
I didn't have to think about my answer. “Yes.”  
“Good answer, Pussycat.”  
“Okay, no more Jace talk,” Izzy declared. “Where should we hang out tonight? Seems stupid to stay in your room when we have the whole house to ourselves.  
“The biggest question should be; is there any part of this that you and Mr. Fab hasn't ‘christened’ yet?”  
I blushed furiously. “Um, the floors?”  
Izzy looked disgusted. “Seriously?” she shuddered. “Animals!”  
I giggled at the expression on her face. “How about if I cover the couch with some blankets?”  
“Yeah, that could work.” Izzy looked thoughtful. “Kitchen table?”  
“Sorry,” I blushed an even deeper shade of red.  
“Come on, Iz,” Maggie chided her. “I´m sure you and Si been busy outside of the bedroom as well.”  
Izzy looked away but couldn't hide the grin on her face. “What's the strangest place you had sex?” she asked us.  
I cocked my head to the side. “You do realize that I've only had sex with your brother, right?”  
“Same here,” Maggie snickered.  
“Ugh,” Izzy made a face. “This is going to be difficult.”  
“Can't we just…I don´t know…talk about ourselves?” I suggested. “What we like, our dreams, fears and whatnot.”  
Maggie laughed. “Yeah. That sounds like safe enough subjects. What do you say, Iz?”  
“I´m in,” Izzy grinned. “Nothing could be worse than listening to you gush over my brothers sexual prowess.”  
I smiled at them. “So tell me, what are your plans for the future?”  
“Fashion,” Izzy answered in a heartbeat. “I don't care in which capacity. Just anything to do with fashion, with a minor in advertising.”  
“I´m going to be a fashion designer,” Maggie announced without a doubt.   
They discussed the best schools for that and found out that both of them had plans to apply to the same ones.  
We went on to music. Izzy was a huge fan of alternative rock, but admitted that her guilty pleasure was boy band-pop. But claimed that was only because it was easy to dance to. I told them about my fondness for ‘angry music’ as I called it and Maggie described himself as an omnivore when it came to music, stating that he liked almost everything.  
When it came to books and movies Maggie loved everything that had either angels or nephilim in them. Like The Mortal Instruments, the TV-show Fallen and the Fallen Angels book series by J.R Ward. Izzy preferred vampires like The Lost boys, The Black Dagger Brotherhood series by J.R Ward – which we had in common – and The Vampire diaries. I was somewhere in between, with favorites in both categories and some other as well.  
“Clary…” Izzy sounded hesitant. “I know that you like to paint… and Jace told us that you're really good… Um, would you mind showing us some of your work?”  
Before Jace I´d never really shown my paintings or sketches to anyone. They were private as much as a diary was to those who kept them. But when I met the dark eyes of my friend I decided that I wanted them to see some of the things I´d created, to get to know me better.  
I led them down the stairs to the basement, flipped the switch and gestured for the walls. I held my breath, gauging their reaction, especially Maggie’s. He used to be a part of the Iceyes. Surely he would see the resemblance between Jon and Seb.  
“Wow,” Izzy breathed. “You're really good,” she knelt down to get a closer look on a particular painting.   
Here it comes.  
“He looks nothing like you,” was all she said.  
“No, Jon got his looks from our father and I take after our mother.”  
Can't she see it?  
Than it was Maggie’s turn to appreciate my art. But he didn't comment on the similarity either.  
We made our way upstairs and I brought out the blankets for the couch - to give Izzy some peace of mind – and the snacks and sodas.  
We ended up talking about boys anyway, but stayed clear of the subject of our boyfriends.  
Shortly before it was time to call it a night Maggie turned to me and asked; “I almost forgot, Fireball. What's your biggest fear?”  
“Disappointing my parents or hurting the people I love,” I answered, but that wasn't the whole truth anymore.  
Losing Jace!

 

xxx

 

The rest of the week I spent with Jace, alone, since he refused to share me anymore.  
Tuesday we relaxed, watched movies and talked about everything between heaven and earth.  
Wednesday we searched the web for a college that would have what we both were looking for. Art with a minor in education for me and business with a minor in music for Jace.  
Thursday we went to the clearing with a picnic basket and didn't return home until after nightfall.   
We swam naked in the pond, reveling in the chilly water against our heated skin.   
Jace told me that it had been his secret place, where he always escaped to when he needed to be alone. I was the only other person he´d ever seen there and the only one he even wanted knowing that it existed. I was so moved by his words that I shed a few tears.  
Later in bed I turned on my phone to check if I had any messages. I had five voicemails. I was certain that they all came from Seb, so I deleted them without listening to them first. There were several get-well-soon texts from the Iceyes and I decided to respond to them the next night, when Jace went home.   
One text caught my attention and almost stopped my heart. 

 

**{We return late on Friday. Will have breakfast together in the morning. Have something to talk about. ~Mom and Dad}**


	14. 13

**'Disclaimer:** (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Simple Plan – Shut up** the end of scene 1

_”Light thinks it travels faster than anything, but it is wrong. No matter how fast lights travel, it finds the darkness has always gotten there first, and is waiting for it.”_ – Terry Pratchett

 

 

Chapter 13

 

 

I barely slept the next night. It was the first time in weeks that Jace didn't sleep beside me and my bed felt bigger than usual without him there to take up the extra space. But the main reason was the worry about what my parents wanted to discuss with me.

I walked down the stairs bleary-eyed Saturday morning. The breakfast smell that yesterday caused my mouth to water, today just made me nauseous.

My parents were seated at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and half a grapefruit in front of them. I sat down on my chair and stared wide eyed at the pancakes, eggs, sausage and bacon that filled the table between us.

“We didn't know what you liked to eat in the morning,” Mother said with complete lack of embarrassment, just calmly admitted how little they knew me.

 _Tell me something I_ don't _know._

 I put a little of each dish on my plate, unsure if I actually would be able to eat anything, and grabbed a cup of coffee.

They finished their grapefruits in silence and I forced down a couple of bites, while fighting the urge to gag. When they were done eating they looked at each other and then turned their eyes towards me.

Father was the first one to speak. “We wanted to talk to you, Clarissa, to make sure that you are keeping your end of the deal.”

It was always ‘we’ with them. They showed a united front ant all times, whether their opinions matched or not.

“Yes, Father. I am,” I said, sounding composed.

“Then we would like to hear about your progress,” Mother cupped  her hands around the coffee cup, an unusual nervous gesture coming from her.

_Progress? Like I'm some sorta experiment you wanna  study?_

“I have made several friends these last few weeks,” I said, my voice void of all emotions as I recounted everything I done with the _Iceyes_. The parties, the nights at Pandemonium, the Sunday brunches.

Father nodded approvingly when I finished.

“What about boys, Clarissa?” Mother asked and got my full attention.

“What about boys, Mother?” I asked, mimicking her tone.

“You always had young men take you out,” Father clarified.

“But you are seventeen now,” Mother continued. “It is time for you to start being involved in more serious relationships.”

 _Holy crap! Are you_ fucking _kidding me?_

“I honestly don't understand what you're talking about, Mother,” my calm charade was slipping and I fought hard trying to keep it up.

“We have decided that you need a boyfriend in order for you to receive the full high-school experience.”

_What a load of…_

 “Any boy from that group of friends you have should suffice.”

I quickly rained in my temper.

“ _Any_ boy, Mother? What about having _feelings_ for one another? What about _love_?”

Mother let out a muted snort, which pretty much was her version of a full guffaw. “ _Love_? You are after all only seventeen, Clarissa. What could you possibly know about _love_?”

_More than you two, that´s for sure!_

I took a deep breath and prayed for strength. “So this is a demand then?” I asked incredulously. “Find a boyfriend, or no college.”

“We wouldn't call it a demand,” Father denied. “See it as a parental suggestion. A wish for our daughter’s happiness, if you will.”

_Fuck you!_

“Well then, I am glad that is settled,” Mother declared. “We will give you a week to find a suitable boy and bring him home to meet us.”

Deciding that the discussion was over, they got up from the table as one and walked in sync to the living room.

 _Thanks for the talk. Love you, too._ Assholes _!_

I stood up quickly, taking care not to disturb the chair before storming down the stairs to the basement.

I had never been so angry in my life. Not at my parents, or anyone else for that matter. What give them the right to try and dictate my life like this?

It never occurred to me to tell them about Jace. I wasn't ashamed of him in any way. But I loved him too much to expose him to _them_. I couldn't even imagine the way he would look at me after meeting my parents. I didn't want him to realize just how unlovable I really was. When the two people in the world that was supposed to love me unconditionally couldn't, why should he?

I had no solution to this whole boyfriend thing either. I knew that I had to tell Jace about it eventually, but I still had a week to come up with something.

I shook so hard that I decided to forgo the punching bag. I started my F.U playlist, threw myself down on the mattress, buried my head in one of the pillows that I had yet to bring back upstairs and screamed at the top of my lungs.

I screamed until my voice gave out and then I started crying.

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

I was rudely awakened by Izzy as she barged into my room, again without knocking, and pulled the blankets off of me.

“Get up, Lazy ass,” she grinned. “It´s a beautiful day and we have lots to do before tonight.”

“Gah,” I groaned and peered at her through half-open eyes. “What are you doing in my room at the ungodly hour of…” I checked the alarm clock on my nightstand “… 11 am. Huh?”

I had trouble falling asleep last night. I had gotten so used to having Clary beside me.

“You're expected in the kitchen in fifteen minutes,” Izzy said. “So get your ass out of bed before I get Alec to help me drag you out.”

“Ugh,” I closed my eyes and counted to ten, hoping she was just part of a really bad dream. No such luck. “Okay, fine,” I huffed. “Get the hell out while I get dressed.”

“She you downstairs in a few,” she practically bounced out the door and closed it behind her.

I decided to skip the shower until later and pulled on a pair of sweats and an old threadbare wife beater. I pondered calling Clary before joining the others for a late breakfast and decided that it was worth the risk of facing the Wrath of Izzy to do so. I hadn´t talked to her since I left a little more than twelve hours ago and I missed her like crazy. I was also curious how breakfast with her parents went.

“Hello?”

“Good morning, Lucy,” I smiled. It felt great to hear her voice. “Did you sleep well?”

“Not really,” her voice sounded hoarse. “How about you?”

“I missed you,” I said simply **.** “What happened to your voice?”

“Um… I almost choked on a piece of sausage this morning.”

I laughed, not doubting the truth in that. “You have to learn to chew before you swallow.”

“Ha, ha. Very funny,” she murmured.

“How did the talk go?” I knew she´d been freaking out about it and hoped that it went better than she fared.

“Fine,” I could tell that she was lying.

“If you say so,” I said skeptically.

She sighed. “I´m sorry, Jace. It´s just… Can we talk about it later?”

“Sure,” I complied. “Did you miss me last night?”

“You know I did,” she replied softly.

“Will I see you today?” I already knew the answer, but I had to ask.

“Um… I…” she stammered.

“It´s fine, Lucy,” I assured her. “I´ll see you tonight, instead.”

“But it won’t be the same,” she complained.

“I know,” I hated that she would be so close, but yet so far away. “There´s always the storage room,” I joked.

She giggled, “It´s a date.”

I heard someone stomp loudly up the stairs and knew the Wrath of Izzy was on its way. “Lucy, I gotta go. They´re waiting for me in the kitchen. Call me later?”

“I´ll text you when I head over to the _Iceyes_ ,” she agreed.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she said before ending the call.

Izzy threw open my door the second I put the phone down. “Now!” was all she said and pointed to the stairs.

“I´m coming, Iz. Chill,” I scowled and walked out of my room and down to the kitchen.

“Well, well. Look who it is,” Duncan Parker snickered. “We started to think that you were never coming home.”

“Don't listen to him Jace,” Amy, his wife, smiled. “We missed you these past weeks, that´s all.”

“What? I´ve been by now and then to pick up stuff,” I defended myself.

“That hardly counts,” Duncan chuckled. “You were in and out so fast that I almost felt sorry for that girl of yours.”

Everybody laughed at me; I glared at them and poured myself a cup of coffee.

“Tell us about her,” Amy said and patted my shoulder. “Is she nice? Pretty? I hope she´s nice, Alec and Izzy says she is.”

Curiosity shone in her eyes and I smiled fondly. “Yes, _mom_. She really is.” I didn't call her that very often, I still remembered too much of my own mother. But in all honesty, Amy had been more of a mom to me than mine had. “I think you´d like her.”

“When can we meet her?” Duncan asked as he sipped his coffee. The mischievous glint in his eyes told me he would take every opportunity to embarrass me.

“I like Lucy. Why would I expose her to you?” I joked.

“Lucy?” Amy gave my siblings confused looks. “I thought her name was Clary?”

I chuckled softly. “Her name _is_ Clary. Lucy is just my nickname for her.”

Duncan raised his eyebrows at that. “In my day we called our girlfriends darling, honey, baby or something along those lines. I must be getting old.”

“You know Jace,” Alec shrugged as if to say that he agreed that I was crazy. “He´s not like other guys.”

“Tell me about it,” Izzy giggled. “He named her after Lucifer.”

“Jace!” Amy scolded me. “Tell me you didn´t.”

“It´s not as bad as it sounds,” I tried to explain. “Her last name is Morgenstern.”

“That makes sense,” Duncan nodded.

“No,” Amy shook her head with emphasis. “It doesn´t. But never mind that now, are you going together to the party tonight?”

“B2SB mom,” Izzy corrected her. “And no. Clary´s going with her other friends.”

“Oh?” that one little syllable spoke a thousand words.

“Yeah,” Izzy agreed. “Jace managed to snag one of the _Iceyes_.”

“Oh, Jace,” Amy’s worry made me squirm in my seat. “I hope you're being careful.”

“You have _nothing_ to worry about,” I comforted her. “She´s nothing like them.”

Amy and Duncan shared a look before turning back to me. “I hope you're right, Jace.” Duncan said after a long pause. “I really hope you're right.”

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

I was soaking in an amazing bubble bath when my phone buzzed.

 

**{What are you wearing ;) ~J}**

 

 

I giggled as I typed.

 

 

**{Bubbles ~C}**

 

 

His answer came back almost immediately.

 

 

**{You´re an evil woman ~J}**

 

 

**{You can punish me later ~C}**

 

 

I moaned with anticipation when I received his text.

 

 

**{Count on it ~J}**

 

 

I wanted to skip the party and just spend the night ravishing Jace, but I couldn´t stand a thought of being that girl who needed to see her boyfriend all the time. But secretly admitted to myself that even though I wasn't one of _those_ girls yet, I was definitely on my way to becoming one.

My phone sounded again and my smile wavered.

 

 

**{Seb´s here. He can´t wait to see you. Hurry up and get your sexy ass over here ~K}**

 

 

I was expected at Kaelie’s for drinks before heading over to Pandemonium and since there wouldn't be any alcohol served at the club tonight I knew I was going to need it.

 

 

**{Be there in an hour. Meet me at the door with a strong one. ~C}**

 

 

I got out of the tub , pulled the string to drain the water and stepped into the shower next to it.

Rinsed and repeated, soaped up and then I was as ready as can be.

I got dressed in the clothes that Izzy had picked out for me and thought about how it would be to meet Seb for the first time.

I was a little concerned. Not about how I would feel when I saw him, since none other than me had noticed the resemblance, I had come to the realization that Jon and Seb didn't look that much alike. I was simply my own mind playing tricks on me. But the phone calls and texts these last couple of days had made me really uncomfortable. But as long as I made sure that he understood that I had a boyfriend whom I loved, what could go wrong?

Instead of straightening my hair I threw it up in a messy bun with some loose curls and took a good look at myself in the mirror. I´d decided to go easy on the make-up. Just enough eyeliner to make my eyes pop and pale peach lip-gloss.

I knew that I looked hot and couldn't wait to see Jace reaction.

I just had to survive a couple of hours with the _Iceyes_ first.

 

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

“Are you drinking tonight, Jace?” Simon asked.

I thought long and hard about his question. It had been almost two weeks and the B2SB was always easier to endure with alcohol in your system. “Yeah, gimme a beer.”

“Get your own damn beer, Jace,” Izzy glared at me. “My boyfriend is _not_ your personal slave.”

“Are you sure, Iz?” I snickered. “He´s so _good_ at it.” But I did as she asked and fetched a bottle from the fridge.

“Wow, the stories are all true. You really _are_ nicer when Elmo’s here.” Magnus commented.

I raised an eyebrow, “Elmo, dude? Really?”

“Dude? Really?” he countered. “He´s red and cuddly. Exactly like her. I think it´s perfect. Yes. Definitely. Elmo it is.”

“You realize that Clary will show you all kinds of pain if you call her that,” Alec chuckled.

“She has to catch me first,” Magnus shrugged. “And I can be _really_ fast, if I want to.”

“Is that true, Alec?” Izzy laughed.

“I wouldn't know, Iz. He always takes his time with me.”

“Oh, fuck no,” I shook my head. “If I have to listen to shit like that I'm going to need something stronger than _beer_.”

“Feeling a little fifth wheel-y tonight?” Simon asked me.

“Nah. I have a date with Lucy in the storage room later,” I chugged the rest of my beer.

“And they said that romance is dead,” Magnus drawled.

“What does romance have to do with sex?” I asked, annoyed. “I can be romantic, I love her and want to give her everything her heart desires. But sex is supposed to be hot and steamy, not warm and fuzzy.”

“I like you in love,” Izzy smiled.

“Yeah, I like being in love,” I grinned. “With her, that is.”

“This has been an amazing summer, hasn't it?” Alec asked. “We started out with just Izzy having a boyfriend and now we all have someone to love. I´m telling you guys, our senior year is going to be the best one yet.”

“Yeah,” Simon nodded. “And hopefully we'll get into good schools, not _too_ far away from each other.”

As I got up to fetch a second beer I almost bumped into Simon and froze. “Oh my god!” I shouted. “What the hell is that awful smell?”

“It´s a new body spray that Iz got me.”

“You smell like a girl, Si, and not in a good way,” I shuddered.

“Hey,” Izzy frowned at me. “I think it smells nice. It's not girly it's unisex.

“Call it what you want, but it still _stinks_.”

To stop us from bickering Magnus stepped between us holding an ice cube. “This? This is ice. This is what happens to water  when it gets too cold,” he put the cube back in his glass and pointed at me. “This? This is Jace. This is what happens to people when they get to sexually frustrated.”

I started laughing. “Did you just quote Real Genius?”

“It was the only way I could think of to get the two of you,” he gestured between Simon and me, “to stop fighting. You´re like an old married couple, you know that?”

I shrugged. “At least Si smells like an old lady.”

“Stop it,” Izzy hissed. “God, Jace. Go rub one off, or _something_. You're mean when you're horny.”

“Yeah…” I sighed. It really had nothing to do with sex. I just missed her. Every part of her. I would be satisfied by just looking at her, talking to her. And I loved every second of it even though the force of my emotion made me quake in my boots.

I went to grab my third beer and decided that it would be my last. I wondered how drunk Clary would be. My phone buzzed with an incoming text.

 

 

**{On my way to Ks. If I don´t need tequila by the time this night is over it´ll be a miracle. Love you. ~C}**

 

 

I chuckled and typed back.

 

 

**{Hope you make it. See you later. Love you too. ~J}**

 

 

“Everything okay with Elmo?” Magnus asked.

“Yeah. She´s threatening to hit the tequila, but otherwise everything is great. Why do you ask?”

“I dunno,” I shrugged, but eyed me carefully. “Seb comes home today.”

The mere thought of that bastard anywhere near my girl had me out of the garage before I made a conscious thought to get up from the chair. Alec’s heavy hand on my shoulder stopped me from climbing into my car and head over to Kaelie’s house.

“Jace, wait,” he spoke quietly, but I still heard him.

“I _know_ , Alec!” I sneered. “I know she won't do anything with him. Fuck, how stupid do you think I am?”

“Then why were you going over there?” he said in the same tone of voice as before.

“It´s _him_ I don´t trust!” I was shouting at this point. You know him. You _know_ he will try something. He _always_ does.” I shrugged off his hand and raked my fingers through my hair. “God, you've seen her. There's _no way_ he won't try something.”

“We know, Jace,” Izzy spoke up.

I hadn´t even noticed that she, Simon and Magnus had followed us outside.

“But come on,” she continued. “You also know _her_. Do you really think Clary would let him get away with anything?”

I shook my head, the anger making it hard to talk.

“I wouldn't be surprised if he´s sporting a sweet shiner when he shows up at Pandemonium,” Simon said encouraging.

I chuckled a little at that. I knew they were right. But fuck, the thought of the two of them even in the same _town_ made my stomach churn.

“Come back inside,” Alec tugged at my arm. “Relax, everything will be fine. You´ll see her soon enough.

“Call her if you think it would make you feel better,” Izzy suggested.

I didn't want to call her, afraid of what she would hear in my voice so I opted for texting her.

 

 

**{Are you there yet? Longing for our date. Love you. ~J}**

 

 

**{Almost. See the house now. Love you & can't wait either. Xoxo ~J}**

 

 

She wasn't there yet, which meant that Seb hadn´t had the chance to hit on her. It made me feel a little better. I trusted her and knew there was nothing to worry about. I looked over at my friends and siblings and took in their worried expressions.

“Everything´s fine,” I gave them a half-grin and returned to the garage while thinking that our date couldn't come fast enough.

 

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

I smiled as I put my phone away. Jace always had that effect on me, even when he was infuriating, which to be honest wasn't that often.

My whole body tingled with anticipation at the thought of _finally_ hooking up with him in the storage room.

I just had to get through the hours with the _Iceyes_ and with them, Seb, first.

I walked up to Kaelie’s door and took a deep breath before reaching out to ring the bell. The door opened before I had the chance and my eyes met the dark ones of none other than Seb.

“Kaelie told me that you wanted to be met by a strong one;” he joked.

I wasn't laughing. “I meant something I could swallow,” I realized my bad choice of words when I saw the glint in his eyes. I put my hands up to keep him from saying something suggestive. “Don´t! Just be a good boy and get me something to drink.”

I quickly regretted my words. Seb was obviously not someone I could push around as easily as the rest of the _Iceyes._ The look he gave me was almost threatening.

“I´m sorry,” I said, trying to sound sincere. “It´s been a long day and I could really use something to drink.”

He smiled and his whole face changed. I could see what the other girls were gushing about. If I didn't have Jace… I did a mental head shake. No, not even then. Seb was…creepy. It didn't matter how good looking he was.

“Well come on then, beautiful. Let´s see what we have,” he said and gestured for me to enter the house. “Any preferences?”

_Tequila!_

“No. Anything will do.”

 

 

xxx

 

 

Seb was relentless in his attempts to pursue me, but I managed to dodge his advances every time.

“Let´s play a game,” Jamie slurred a bit, from to many drinks.

_Uh-Oh. This can't be good._

“What kind of game?” I asked, hesitantly.

“Truth or dare? Spin the bottle?”

_In other words; games to get me to kiss Seb!_

“I think I´ll pass,” I said and again considered going for the tequila.

I went to the bar and debated my choices, when I felt someone come up and stand beside me I knew who it was without looking at him.

“There's really no use in fighting the connection between us,” he said and pressed his chest against my back. “It _will_ happen sooner or later. It´s just a matter of time.”

My patience was slipping and I had to bite back an angry growl. “ There's _nothing_ between us. I have a boyfriend, remember.”

“Oh, I do. As long as you remember that I _always_ get what I want.”

 

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

 

 

I sat at a table, nursing my coke and tried to pretend it had rum in it, without succeeding. My siblings and their better halves were on the dance floor and I kept my eyes on the door to see Clary the second she walked in.

She texted me when she left Kaelie’s and should be here any minute now.

My phone buzzed in my pocket.

 

**{I need you. NOW. ~C}**

 

The message made me instantly hard and I was headed towards the storage room before I´d even finished reading it.

WE reached the door at the same time and walked inside together. The last bit of tension left my body as soon as I had her in my arms.

“God, I´ve missed you,” she moaned against my neck.

I pulled away the rubber band that held her hair up, wound my fingers through her soft curls and pressed our lips together.

“Fuck Lucy, you feel so good,” I lifted her up in my arms and carried her to the spare tables that stood in the back corner. Clary wrapped her legs around my back and grinded herself against my throbbing erection **.**

The darkness around us was maddening. I wanted to see her. Needed it as much as I needed my next breath. To see in her eyes the way she reacted when I kissed her, touched her. But I had no other choice than to rely on the sounds she made.

“I want you, Jace. Now!” she hissed as I laid her down on the table.

Clary grabbed a hold of my shirt, pulled me down on top of her and kissed me with an urgency that almost did me over. I let my fingers slide up her thigh to her panties. I lost control when I felt the wetness through the sheer lace.

My last conscious thought was that ripping the panties would be a bad thing, I tugged them down her legs, unbuttoned my pants and pulled them down together with my boxers.

I grabbed a condom from my pocket – the last one from the thirty-six we bought a week ago – tore the package with my teeth and rolled it down my length. Moving her underwear to the side I sheathed myself inside of her with one hard thrust.

Clary screamed my name and we started moving together.

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

 

I let my glance drift back towards the table where Jace sat for maybe the thousandth time and smiled when our eyes met. He winked at me and I returned my attention to the girls I were dancing with. I couldn't wait for the night to finally be over. Jace had agreed to sleep over in the basement with me. It felt sort of bittersweet, knowing that this might be our last chance to spend the night together in a while.

When someone came up to me from behind and placed their hands on my hips I knew it was Seb. There was something about him that made me aware of him when he was close. I took a step forward, to get away from him, but he grabbed my wrist and spun me around to face him. I opened my mouth to tell him to back the fuck off but before I had the chance I felt his lips against mine.

The kiss lasted five seconds.

It was the time it took for me to get over the shock and place my hands on his shoulders to push him away. Seb ended the kiss before I had the chance and looked towards Jace with a triumphant smirk. I followed his gaze and met Jace’s golden eyes that were dark with hurt and anger.

He stormed out of the club, I tried to follow him, but was held back by the firm grip that Seb still held on my wrist.

He leant closer to me and whispered in my ear. “I told you, Clary. I _always_ get what I want.”

 

 

**Thank you for reading**


	15. 14

**'Disclaimer:** (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

_“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real, too. They live inside us. And sometimes, they win._ Stephen King

 

 

Chapter 14

 

 

 

I rushed out after Jace, but emerged from the club just in time to see the tail lights of his car speed around the corner.

My shoulders slumped in defeat. I knew I had screwed everything up. _Royally_. I had to find a way to fix things.

“You know Clary,” Izzy’s voice startled me and I spun around on my heels to face her. “Mags should call you Ice Queen, because you really are a cold-hearted bitch.”

“Izzy…I…” I tried to say something but was silenced by a slap to my face.

“I don't want you apologies or explanations,” her voice shook with anger. “Save it for Jace and _pray_ that he'll listen.”

I cradled my burning cheek in my hand and wished that she punched me instead. I deserved it for causing Jace the suffering I saw in his eyes, even if my part had been unintentional **.** I didn't kiss Seb, he kissed me. But those five seconds before I reacted, those were all on _me_.

Even though she didn't want to hear me out, I had to tell her what happened. “It wasn't what it looked like. I was about to push him _away_.”

“Yeah?” she cocked her head to the side. “It didn't look that way from where we were standing. It looked like you were going to pull him closer.”

I covered my face with my hands and groaned. “Oh god,” I jerked my head up as something dawned on me. “Seb _knew_.” I thought back to that triumphant smirk. “Somehow he _knew_ about me and Jace.”

“You're right,” Izzy looked thoughtful. “That's probably why he did it. Did you know that Seb had made it his life goal to torment Jace? Ever since he moved in with the Parkers. He started with beating him up every chance he got, but turned to other things when Jace grew into his body and became stronger than him. He dated me for a while and spread rumors about me and then it was Tessa…”

“That was _Seb_?”

“Jace told you about that?” Izzy give me a calculated look. “What are you going to do to make this right?”

“I…I don't know,” I admitted shamefully. Was it even possible to solve everything?

“Call him, talk to him, _and force_ him to listen.” She suggested helpfully.

I searched my purse for my phone, picked it up, scrolled down to his number and pressed send. It went straight to voicemail.

“He's not answering,” I cried.

Tears fell in steady streams from my eyes. What if I had lost him forever? Simon walked up to us and wrapped his arms around his girlfriend’s waist. “Let him sleep on it,“ he encouraged me. “Try again tomorrow.”

I nodded and was grateful when I was wrapped in Maggie’s comforting embrace. I nuzzled my face in his chest, not caring that I would get glitter all over me and let the sobs rock my body. “There, there Elmo,” he rubbed soothing circles on my back and murmured softly in my ear. “It will be alright, just wait and see.”

I couldn’t even muster up the anger for that stupid nickname. Nothing seemed to matter. Not anymore.

 

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

When I drove off from the parking lot outside of Pandemonium my only thought was that I wanted to keep driving until I ran out of gas, than walk until my legs couldn't carry me any further and then drink until I got rid of the image of Clary in Seb’s arms.

My ringtone blared in the silence and Alec’s name flashed across the screen. I turned it off without answering.

The world was crashing down around me and I had nowhere to go. I couldn't go to the clearing, it was filled with memories. I couldn't go to Simon’s garage, it was right next door to her house. But I couldn't go home either, I didn't want to see the sympathy in my foster parents eyes.

The worse part would be the ‘I told you so’ from Izzy.

I couldn't phantom why Clary would do this to me. I parked my car about a mile outside of the town’s border.  My eyes burned with my body’s need to cry, but I refused to shed a single tear for her. I laughed bitterly at how well she had me fooled. Every kiss, every caress, every ‘I love you’ had been a lie. My mind wandered back to our encounter in the storage room and my body reacted accordingly **.** What the _fuck_ had that been about? A  goodbye? Or a way to ensure that I was tied to her in every way possible before the final blow?

Whatever it was I would never know. It wasn't like I could ask her about it. I wouldn't trust a single word that came out of her lying mouth, ever again.

Maybe they had been working together this whole time? How she must´ve laughed at me when I told her about my past, and what happened to Tessa.

I threw myself out of my car and started dry-heaving. I slumped down on the grass at the side of the road, wrapped my arms around my legs and rested my head against my knees.

It was the _whys_ that was killing me. Why did she do it? Why did she get together with me in the first place? Why did she give me her virginity? Why did she say that she loved me?

I sat there trapped in my own misery for hours and before I knew it the sun started rising on the horizon.

I felt empty. It was like all emotion had frozen inside of me, I couldn't feel anything anymore.

No anger, no pain and best of all…no _love_.

 

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

 

I spent the night in Jace’s clearing. Hoping against all odds that he would show up there.

He never did.

I tried calling him so many times that I eventually last count and it went straight to voicemail every time. Around noon on Sunday I couldn't ignore the hunger pangs any longer, I gave up on waiting for him and walked the short distance home.

I recharged my phone while I forced down some tasteless cereal. The battery had died sometime close to dawn. I kept my fingers crossed that Jace had gotten back to me, but I had only two messages. One was from Izzy and the other from Kaelie, I read Izzy’s first.

 

 

**{He´s home now ~I}**

 

 

I almost deleted the text from Kaelie, but thought better of it.

 

 

 

**{Saw the kiss. HOT. Missed you at brunch. Call me ~K}**

 

 

 

I had completely forgotten about brunch. I didn't want to see Seb or any of the _Iceyes_. I was actually a bit surprised that he hadn't told them about me and Jace, because if he did I would have been overrun by texts and voicemails by now. I sent Kaelie a quick reply, telling her I overslept and that I would see her in school tomorrow.

Then I called Izzy.

“Hi, Clary,” she answered on the second ring.

”How is he?” I had to ask, but was afraid to hear her answer.

“I don't know,” Izzy sighed. “He got home around two hours ago. Didn´t speak to anyone, just walked straight up to his room and looked the door behind him.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. “I´m so sorry,” my voice trembled.

“It´s not your fault, Clary,” Izzy assured me. “He´ll realize that too, you’ll see.”

“And if he doesn't?” I dreaded the answer.

“I really don't know,” her tone said it all. There was a real possibility that Jace wouldn't forgive me. “Just give him time to come to his senses. I´m sure he´ll call you in a day or two.”

“Okay. If you get the chance… just tell him how sorry I am.”

“Sure thing,” Izzy said. “Take care.”

I hit send and threw myself down on the bed. Izzy was wrong about one thing.

It _was_ my fault.

 If I had told Jace about Seb; his texts and phone calls, none of this would´ve happened.

It didn't matter how much I wanted to pin everything on Seb, the only one to blame here was me.

I tried calling Jace again before going to bed. This time it rang ten times before a robotic voice informed me that his inbox was full. I knew what that meant. He didn't want to talk to me, but didn't care enough to hit ignore either.

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

I overslept on the first day of school. Not strange at all, considering that I hadn't had a full night’s sleep in weeks and only slept ten hours, tops, since I left Clary's house on Friday night **.**

My mind had been shouting at me most of the night, flashing images of the two of them together. I saw them kissing, fucking, her screaming his name as she came all over his face. I threw my alarm clock at the wall and punched my pillow repeatedly, imagining that it was Seb’s face.

I checked the time on my phone and noticed that I had no chance **in** making it in time for the morning assembly so I decided to take my time and arrive at school by first period instead.

I took a long shower, got dressed in a pair of low riding cargo pants and a fitted t-shirt. I combed through my hair with my fingers and stared at my strained reflection in the bathroom mirror.

I descended the stairs slowly and walked into the kitchen for something to eat. My stomach couldn't handle anything heavier than an apple and a cup of coffee, thoughts of Clary had thoroughly ruined my appetite.

I wouldn't be able to avoid them though, it was a small enough school, that if you were lucky to not share your classes with someone you were bound to run into them in the hallways or at lunch.

I felt pretty confident that the pain I dealt with wouldn´t show on the outside. I´d become good at hiding my emotions over the years. Putting on my poker face…That´s why it had come as such a surprise when I fell so fast and hard for Clary.

I swallowed the last of my coffee, put the cup in the sink, grabbed my backpack and walked out the door.

The driveway was empty, which meant that my siblings took my car to school this morning. I suppressed my annoyance, since they probably thought I would stay at home. I wished I could´ve driven today. It wasn't far, but the car were the only place that didn't have any bad memories.

The numbness started to dissipate. I just hoped the walls I had nailed up around my heart would hold against the stress of seeing her again.

I made it in time to see the other students pour out of the gym. My eyes immediately sought out Clary, like she was some kind homing beacon. I clenched my fists when I saw Seb running up to her and grab her arm. I was surprised when she moved away from his grip and glared at him.

I didn´t stop to see what happened next but couldn´t help the smug grin that tugged at my lips.

Trouble in paradise already?

 

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

“Hey, babe,” Seb called from behind me. “Wait up,” he grabbed my arm and pulled me to a stop.

I shook him off me and turned to him with a glare. “ _Don´t touch me_ ,” I hissed quietly, to not attract the attention of the other students that swarmed out of the gym.

“Don't be like that, babe,” he reached out for me again by I backed away.

“Don't call me babe,” I raised my voice unintentionally. “You ruined my life.”

“Don´t exaggerate, _babe_ ,” Seb mocked me. “Besides, I wasn't out to ruin _your_ life, only Jace’s.  You just happened to get caught in the crossfire.”

I looked around and noticed that we were alone, with the exception of the occasional straggler so I didn't have to worry about keeping my voice down any longer.

“What the _fuck_ is wrong with you? This is not a _fucking_ game. Why do you hate him so much?” I yelled.

The white-hot fury in Seb's eyes made me flinch. “That little _shit_ has always thought he was better than me. _Me_ , can you believe that? He came from nowhere, a worthless _foster kid_ and tried to take everything away from me. It was time he learned his place. Kissing you was only an unexpected bonus.”

His description didn't sound like the Jace I knew, but I didn't correct him.

“But how did you know?” The question had been festering in the back of my head since Saturday night.

“It wasn't that hard,” Seb shrugged and grinned at me, apparently back to his old self again. “I knew that he had been fucking Aline and the others, they weren´t as sneaky as they thought and by the way they have been acting lately it wasn't hard to figure out that he _stopped_. Then I started hearing all kinds of things about _you_ and your _secret_ boyfriend,” he gave me a condescending pat on the head, I shied away from his touch. “I just put two and two together. A child could´ve solved that one.”

My eyes started to sting, but I refused to let the bastard see me cry. I jabbed my pointy finger straight in his chest. “Just stay _away_ from me. Got that?” My voice was steady, which only made it more threatening. A technique I picked up while dealing with my parents. “I may not be able to ruin your life, but I can make you hurt so much that you regret waking up every morning.”

He raised his eyebrows and chuckled disbelievingly

“You can affect my mornings anyway you want, babe,” he smirked. “But the only pain involved would be the _good_ kind.”

I looked at him for a long time. Maybe this was just what I deserved, for thinking I could have both of my worlds and keep them from colliding.

I took a few step closer grabbed him by the balls and twisted slightly. Seb’s eyes crossed and a small whimper erupted from his mouth. “Is this _good_ enough for you?” I didn't wait for an answer, just released my hold on him and hurried to get to first period in time before the last bell rang.

 

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

 

After I left them behind me on the quad I didn't see either of them until lunch. Neither Clary nor Seb was in any of my morning classes and for that I was grateful.

Clary was already seated at the _Iceyes_ table in the middle of the cafeteria when I entered. I had forgotten to pack my own lunch that morning and regrettably took my place in line for the wretched school lunch.

I got a tray and tried to find an item that even resembled something edible. I paid for the food and took a seat at our usual table in the back of the large room; the others were there waiting g for me.

“You doing okay, Jace?” Izzy whispered from her chair next to mine.

I didn't have an answer to that question so I shrugged and hoped she would drop it and leave me alone. I sat with my back to the _Iceyes_ table, to not have to look at her, but I was as aware of her presence as if she sat in front of me.

“Have you talked to her yet?” Simon asked.

“Nope.”

“You probably should,” Alec said. “I don't think it was as bad as it looked.”

I didn't meet their concerned stares, just sat there and picked at my disgusting lunch. It didn't matter what they thought, I had seen them with my own two eyes. Nothing they said could change the image that was forever burnt into my retina.

“You _have_ to talk to her Jace,” Izzy insisted. “ _Promise_ that you´ll talk to her.”

“In a couple of days,” I finally agreed, just to get her off my back. “Now, can you let it go already? It's no big deal.”

“You'll work it out,” Izzy beamed at me. “I know you will.”

Before I had the chance to answer pearls of laughter came from the middle of the cafeteria. I would recognize that sound anywhere. I stole a glance in her direction over my shoulder and saw her smile at Seb as he sat down next to her. I clenched my fists at the floodgate of pain that opened up inside of me.

“You know what Iz,” I met the dark eyes of my sister and shook my head at her hopeful expression. “There is some things that just can't be fixed.”

 

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

I sat at the _Iceyes_ table – Yeah, they actually had their own table, go figure – in the cafeteria when Jace walked in.

His gait was cocky and he looked as gorgeous as always. I wanted to walk up to him where he stood in line so bad, to beg him to talk to me, forgive me. But I couldn´t move. I clutched the table to push myself out of my chair, but it was like I was frozen in place.

I came too from the daze when Maia poked me in the ribs. “Come _on,_ girl. _Spill,”_ she giggled. “We want all the juicy details.”

They had nagged me about The Kiss – as the dubbed it – repeatedly during the morning. My response was a shrug, like every other time they´d asked about it.

“You have to give us _something,”_ Kaelie whined.

“Yeah, I saw him catch up with you after the assembly,” Jamie prodded.

I shook my head at their air-head-yness and took a bite out of my apple.

“Give it a rest,” Toby complained angrily. “Clary has a boyfriend. There's nothing going on between her and Seb.”

I glanced over at the table where Jace sat down with his back to me. Did I still have a boyfriend? He hadn't called me back or responded to any of my texts. I didn't know what to do.

I was torn from my depressing thoughts when I saw Seb approach the table from the corner of my eye. He walked slowly and looked to still be in pain. I couldn´t contain the laughter that burst from me. He winced as he sat down in the empty seat next to mine and I gave him a wide grin.

_Not so sure of yourself now, are you?_

The look he gave me was all shameful apologizes and something I couldn´t name.

“I´m sorry babe,” he cleared his throat. “I went about this all wrong.”

I eyed him carefully, fully expecting to see the menacing glint in his eyes. But all I found was innocence. Which I knew had to be fake. _Nothing_ about the boy next to me was innocent.

_What game are you playing now?_

“ _Oookay_ ,” I said skeptically and took another bite of my apple.

He placed his long fingers on my upper arm and looked deep into my eyes. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and stole another glance in Jace direction. He still had his back to me but Maggie stared at me with raised eyebrows.

“I´m going to win you over, this time without games,” Seb murmured in my ear.

I turned back towards him and searched his eyes for the reason behind his changed demeanor and that's when I saw it. The coldness that always seemed to be behind everything he did. It was well hidden, but I knew what to look for.

“Because babe,” he continued in a whisper. “You might have won the first round, but there will be others and I don't have a problem giving you everything you deserve.”

He was right. I did deserve whatever he would do to me. And probably much worse things than that.

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

 

The week passed excruciatingly slowly. It didn't help that Izzy kept pestering me to talk to Clary.

Today was Friday and I had decided that it was time to get it over with, than I would have the weekend to contemplate the outcome.

Clary had tried to talk to me several times these last few days, but I had managed to avoid her so far. By some enormous luck I didn’t have _any_ classes with her. Unfortunately I wasn't as lucky when it came to Seb. We had both biology and P.E together. It had been pure hell hearing him talk about Clary in the locker-room.

“No, I haven't fucked her yet,” he chuckled as he spoke to one of his followers yesterday. “But she's like a bitch in heat whenever we're alone, so it´s just a matter of time.”

I had never wanted to beat him up as much as I did in that moment. But he wasn't worth ruining my future and risk expulsion over. At least that what I had repeated to myself over and over when school ended. I wasn't even be sure if I should believe him or not. It wouldn't be the first time he lied about his conquests after all. But the possibility that there was even the slightest ounce of truth in his words made me ache inside.

I hadn´t seen them together except at lunch and he hadn´t been over to her house, at least according to Simon.

I had to get a grip and that was why I waited for Clary in her driveway when she got home.

“Jace?” she stared at me with wide eyes. “You're here?” The small glint of hope in her eyes slipped when she took in my closed off expression. “ _Why_ are you here?”

I took a deep breath. “I thought we should talk.”

“Oh?” she paled. “Where?”

I looked around as if the prefect spot would magically present itself. I cringed when my eyes landed on the door to the basement and was assaulted by memories. It would have to do, since I couldn't come up with something better at the moment. I started to realized that I should've thought this through before coming over here.

“We can use your basement?” I made it sound like a question, but strode over there without waiting for an answer.

Clary’s hand trembled slightly as she opened the door and flicked the switch on the lights.

I looked everywhere but at the mattress on the floor, I wasn't going anywhere _near_ that. It was the same as last time I stepped a foot inside of this door, except… “Where´s your punching bag?” I turned to look at her as I asked the question.

She gave me a one-shoulder shrug. “It broke. I´m waiting for a new one.”

I shook my head and a snort escaped my lips before I could stop it. Her soft smile went straight to my heart.

“Jace…”

“Clary…”

We spoke at the same time and laughed nervously.

“You go first,” I offered, hoping that her words would help me come up with something to say.

“I'm sorry,” her voice were barely above a whisper.

The pain that shot through me almost made me crumble. Everything Seb had said was true.

I had to clear my throat three times before I was able to speak through the lump that was lodged there. “Don´t worry about it,” I was proud of how steady my voice was. “That´s life. You win some, you lose some. We had fun and now it´s over.”

Clary recoiled at my words and I imagined I saw tears pooling in her breathtaking green eyes. But that had to be a trick of the lights.

“You can't help who you fall for, right?” I continued

She bit her lip and bowed her head. “There's nothing going on between Seb and I.”

Her whispered lie felt like a slap and I swallowed hard. I had to get out of here before I said something that would betray my feelings.

“Good bye, Clary,” I fought against the crushing urge to turn to her, take her in my arms and prove to her that we belonged together. But I never looked back as I opened the door and closed it, leaving my heart behind.

 

 

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

 

I sank down on the floor, forcing myself to concentrate on my breathing.

In…Out…In…Out…In…Out…

The searing pain that went off like fireworks in my body was different than anything I´d ever experienced. When Jon died, I wanted to die too. But now I felt like I _was_ dead. Like a giant part of me -  or at least as giant as you could get in this body - was missing and I couldn't survive without it.

I walked up the stairs in a trance, hoping to escape inside the comfort of my bedroom without interruption. But today was just not my day.

“Clarissa, is that you?” Mother’s voice called from the kitchen.

“Yes, Mother,” I answered hoping that she didn´t catch the strain in my voice.

“Would you join me in the kitchen, please,” it wasn´t a request.

I sighed with defeat and shuffled my feet, not in a hurry to reach her.

“Take a seat, Clarissa,” Mother pointed at the chair in front of her.

I pulled out the chair with my foot; the scraping sound the legs made against the floor earned me a frown.

I sat down and kept my gaze locked somewhere above her left shoulder. I didn't want to be here, I wanted to go up to my room, crawl under the covers and not come out until I had to go to school on Monday. “What can I do for you?” I asked.

“Tomorrow is Saturday, Clarissa,” she said.

“Yeah, so?” I´d never spoken to her like that before, but all my self-control was tied up in keeping myself from breaking down completely.

“That is _not_ the way you address your mother, Clarissa,” she chided me.

“I am sorry, Mother,” I hoped I sounded remorseful enough. “I meant to say that I know what day tomorrow is.”

“At what time can we expect you boyfriend? Would lunchtime suffice?” she inquired.

_No, no, NO! Please, I can't…I can't do this now!_

I closed my eyes, counted to ten and then gave Mother a small smile. “I had forgotten about that,” I admitted. “I will call him right now and ask him.”

_Yup, I'm gonna call the boyfriend I don't have and invite him over for lunch tomorrow. Easy as_ fucking _pie!_

Upstairs in my bedroom I repeatedly scrolled through my phonebook, hoping that the meager contents would change and the perfect solution would magically appear. Maggie would've been my first choice, but that was no way he would pass as _my_ boyfriend, not even to the ignorant minds of my parents. Simon and Alec were _Jace’s_ friends, not really mine. I couldn't ask them to take sides like that and I didn't want them to know about it either. Toby was already crushing on me, I didn't want to get his hopes up. Jordan was with Maia and I _really_ didn't need the added drama from getting between the two of them.

That left _one_ number. Seb’s.

I didn´t deserve better after all. I just hoped I didn't have to sell my soul in the process.

I hit send and waited for him to pick up.

“Hey, babe,” his sultry voice sent chills of discomfort down my spine. “I knew you couldn´t resist me.”

_Sweet mother of…_

“That's not why I'm calling,” I hissed. “You owe me. _Big time_.” I was surprised by how calm I sounded. Like I believed in my own words. “It´s time to collect.”

“So what can I do for you babe?” his tone didn't waver.

An image of Jace’s beautiful features flashed before my eyes and I closed my eyes against the emotions that flooded me, hating myself for what I was about to do.

“First some rules. One; touch is to be limited to hands and shoulders only. Two; kisses are more than unwelcomed, but if deemed necessary restricted to a peck on the cheek,” I said through gritted teeth. “Think you can manage that?”

He was quiet for so long that I feared that he had hung up on me.

“ _Fine_ ,” he sounded grim. “So what do you want from me?”

“I don't _want_ anything,” I denied. “But I _need_ a boyfriend tomorrow and sadly you are my only option.”

“So…you´re asking me to be your boyfriend?” he mused. “That's… _interesting_.”

“Seb…” I said warningly.

“I'll do it,” I could hear the smile in his voice. “But I have some conditions of my own.”

I sighed heavily. That was what I´d been afraid of. “Name it.”

“I get to show you off as _mine_. Whenever _I_ want.”

My thoughts drifted back to Jace and a single tear trickled down my pale cheek. I needed to end the call so I could break down in peace. “As long as you follow the words I don't care.”

“Then I´m in,” he chuckled, oblivious to my lack of enthusiasm or maybe it didn't matter to him. “I would be honored to be your boyfriend.”

_Whoo-freaking-hoo!_

“Good, can you be here tomorrow? Noon-ish? My parents wanna invite you to lunch.”

“It´s a date,” he chuckled.

I cringed at the words that reminded me so much about Jace.

“Yeah,” I murmured, that remembered what I needed to ask. “Your full name is Sebastian, right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“No reason,” I said. “See you tomorrow.”

“Bye, babe.”

I threw my phone to the floor, crawled under the covers and pulled it over my head.

I tried to focus on my breathing again, to slow down the short, uneven gasps, to keep the tears at bay, but it didn't work this time. I cried myself to sleep and dreamt about the boy that was lots to me forever.

 

 

 

 

xxx

 

 

 

I dressed casually the next day in a long-sleeved jumper and a pair of khakis. And put on just enough makeup to hide any evidence of the night I had.

Time moved too fast for my liking and before I knew it the doorbell chimed, announcing Seb’s arrival.

I opened the door, wrapped my cold fingers around his wrist, without as much as a hello in greeting. I pulled him inside and closed the door behind us. I never saw the boy that looked at our retreating forms with pain in his golden eyes.

I took a deep breath and showed him to the living room, where my parents were waiting.

“Mother, Father,” I said and met their eyes with a sinking feelings in my chest. “This is Sebastian. My…boyfriend.”

 

 

**Thank you for reading**


	16. 15

**'Disclaimer:** (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Sick puppies – You're going down** scene 1 song 1

**The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus – Choke** scene 1 song 2

**Simple Plan – You suck at love** Pandemonium

**KC and JoJo – All my life** last scene

 

 

_Calvin: There's no problem so awful, that you can’t add some guilt to it and make it even worse.”_

Bill Watterson, Author of Calvin and Hobbes

~*~

_Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up._ James A. Baldwin

Chapter 15

 

 

 

_There's nothing going on between me and Seb._

The lie hurt like hell the first time I heard it, but seeing it with my own eyes was worse than anything I´d ever experienced before. Watching Clary take his hand and lead him inside her house broke my heart all over again.

I had been on my way over to talk to her when Seb arrived on the scene. I squared my shoulder and walked back into the garage, the tension rolling off me in waves.

The look in the other’s eyes revealed that they hadn't missed a thing.

“Jace…” Izzy hesitated. “I´m sure it´s not what…”

“Fuck off, Iz,” I snapped and headed over to my guitar. I cranked up the volume on the amp and started playing.

 

_Define your meaning of war_ __  
To me it's what we do when we're bored  
I feel the heat coming off of the blacktop  
And it makes me want it more  
Because I'm hyped up, out of control  
If it's a fight I'm ready to go  
I wouldn't put my money on the other guy  
If you know what I know that I know  
  
It's been a long time coming  
And the table's turned around  
'Cause one of us is going  
One of us is going down  
  
I'm not running  
It's a little different now  
'Cause one of us is going  
One of us is going down  
  
Define your meaning of fun  
To me it's when we're getting done  
I feel the heat coming off of the blacktop  
So get ready for another one  
Let's take a trip down memory lane  
The words circling in my brain  
You can treat this like another all the same  
But don't cry like a bitch when you feel the pain  
  
It's been a long time coming  
And the table's turned around  
'Cause one of us is going  
One of us is going down  
  
I'm not running  
It's a little different now  
'Cause one of us is going  
One of us is going down  
  
This is hardly worth fighting for  
But it's the little petty shit that I can't ignore  
With my fist in your face  
And your face on the floor  
It'll be a long time coming  
Bet you got the message now  
'Cause I was never going  
Yeah, you're the one that's going down  
  
One of us is going down  
  
I'm not running  
It's a little different now  
'Cause one of us is going  
One of us is going down  
  
One of us is going down  
  


 

I stood bent over, panting as I finished the song. My need to scream out my pain had not been quelled. I didn’t feel better whatsoever. What happened to my decision from last weekend? To not let Clary mess with my head or heart again? To forget about her and move on with my life.

“Jace,” Alec grabbed my shoulders and gave me a small shake. “Listen to what Mags have to say. _Please_ ”

“If it´s about _her_ , I don't want to hear it,” I sneered.

“Well, you better change your mind, and fast,” Magnus bit out through gritted teeth. “Because something is _wrong_ if she invites _him_ into her home.”

“Look, _Maggie_ ,” I growled. “I respect the hell out of you; even love you in a way ‘cause of how happy you make my brother. But don't pretend that you have a _fucking_ clue about what's going on in that fucked-up head of hers.”

My head snapped back with the force of the punch that landed on my jaw.

Magnus stood in front of me with burning eyes, legs wide and his fist still in the air, as if he was about to hit me again. Not even the fact that he, as usual, was covered in glitter made him look any less threatening.

“Please, Mags,” Alec placed his hand on his boyfriends arm and squeezed gently. “That's enough.”

“I´m not finished,” the glittery boy hissed furiously, without taking his cat-like eyes from me. “When Clary showed up in this poor excuse for a town she was nothing more than a _shell_ of the girl that she was supposed to be. I didn't even know her yet, but I saw it the first time we met. Than you came along and made her _shine_ ,” he took a deep breath and continued. “Now I can see her slipping back to the broken girl from before and _it's.all.your.fault,”_ he punctuated every word, spittle flying from his mouth.

“ _Mags_ ,” Alec sounded conflicted, like he didn´t know if he should back up his boyfriend or defend his brother. “Let´s just go, okay.”

“I´ll leave when I'm _finished_ ,” he frowned at Alec before turning back towards me. “I told you that I would hurt you if you did anything to hurt her, and I _meant_ it.”

I had reached the end of my rope, fed up with being blamed for what _she_ did. “Clary´s the one who screwed around behind _my_ back, _not_ the other way around.

The second punch knocked me to the floor.

“ _Now_ I´m finished.”

My eyes shot daggers into the back of his head as he stalked out of there. I jumped to my feet, and considered going after him, to get an outlet for my anger but the warning glance Alec shot my way as he followed Magnus stopped me in my tracks.

I massaged the sore spots on my face, while my eyes darted around the garage, searching for something to hit, to _break_.

Like she sensed my intentions Izzy stepped in front of Simon. She knew I would never hurt her, never mind how mad I was. With him, she couldn´t be as sure.

“Jace, calm down,” she talked slowly, as if to sooth a wild animal.

I didn't blame her, I _felt_ like one.

I grabbed my guitar again. Hoping that the music would help with my inner turmoil this time.

 

_Look into my eyes_

_I am the one who you despise_

_Cause I exposed your lies_

_And it's my turn to watch you burn (to watch you burn)_

_I hope you choke_

_On the letters that you wrote_

_Telling me that you will be here 'til the end_

_You'll never see_

_A different side to me_

_A side that you just did not ever understand_

_Sing it like last time_

_With every line_

_Ends with a rhyme_

_You'll get great reviews_

_But I refuse to be reused (to be reused)_

_I hope you choke_

_On the promises you broke_

_Telling me that you would always be my friend_

_You'll never see_

_A different side to me_

_A side that you just did not ever understand_

_I hope you choke (on the letters you wrote)_

_I hope you choke (on the promises you broke)_

_I know you'll choke (on the letters you wrote)_

_I know you'll choke (I hope you'll choke)_

My voice was hoarse, from screaming out the lyrics, my throat raw from my chaotic emotions. For the first time ever the music hadn't done the job it was supposed to, any calm I hoped to gain had eluded me.

With a loud roar of unleashed fury I grabbed the instrument by the neck and hurled it against the wall.

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

Lunch went great. Seb behaved like the perfect gentleman – on the outside – and my parents adored him. When it was time for him to leave they both shook his hand and informed him that he was welcome whenever he wanted.

Relieved that it was finally over I excused myself and hurried upstairs to my room, taking the steps two at the time.

I stood in front of my mirror and pulled the jumper over my head. I wasn't surprised to see the beginning of a bruise that Seb´s fingers made on my left shoulder. His hand had rested there the entire time from when I introduced him to my parents, until he left. He squeezed my shoulder with fake affection during the course of the meal. I had to bite my lip a couple of times when his grip became too painful.

I knew that I should’ve protested. But the words _you deserve this_ was stuck on repeat in my head, like a broken record.

And I did deserve it. I wasn't about to let him abuse me without doing anything to stop him, but I could live with a bruise or two, after all, what I had done to the two most important people in my life was much worse.

 

 

xxx

 

 

The rest of the weekend passed in a blur. I went to Sunday brunch with the _Iceyes_ , but stayed clear of Taki´s afterwards.

Most couple divided CDs or things like that after a breakup. _We_ divided diners. I was glad that I hadn't had much of an appetite lately, because I wouldn't have been able to eat anything with the way Seb was plastered to my side the whole time, kneading my shoulder. My smile was fake, but knew that none of the _Iceyes_ would be able to tell the difference.

I spent the rest of the Sunday locked inside my bedroom, tackling the huge load of homework the teachers bombarded us with, careless of the fact that it was the first week of school and it took some time getting used to it.

Seb called me before bed and ‘asked’ me if he could pick me up for school.

“No, thank you,” I replied absentmindedly. “I´ll see you at first period, though.”

I had most of my classes with him, so it wasn't like I had any chances to avoid him. I ended the call without giving him the opportunity to say anything else.

 

 

xxx

 

I woke early the next day, taking my time in getting ready for school. The sun was shining and it looked like it was going to be a wonderful day but I opted for a normal t-shirt to cover up the black-and-blue on my shoulder and top of my arm but added a knee length flowing skirt to compensate.

A part of me rebelled at being treated like this, I was itching to punch some _thing_ or some _one_ and hoped that my new punching bag would arrive sooner rather than later, before I lost it completely and took it out on the wrong person.

But the rest of me still thought I deserved everything I got.

My mind was occupied with other things that school and I blushed furiously when the teacher asked us to hand in our homework and I was forced to admit that I forgot it in my locker.

While I wrestled with the combination I heard footsteps coming down the hall behind me, curious to who was in this otherwise empty hallway I glanced in the direction that the sound was coming from and was met by a pair of golden eyes.

I tried to look away, I really did. But our stares were locked. I forced myself to blink, to break whatever held us together. As my gaze left his it drifted over the rest of his face, memorizing it for later. I gasped when I saw the bruises on his jaw and cheekbone.

“Jace? You're hurt. Who? Who did this to you? Was it Seb? It was, wasn't it? Please, _tell me_ ,” I knew I was rambling, but I couldn't help it. Jace was _hurt_.

He pierced me with a glare so full of anger that I took a step back, feeling the handle of the locker press into me. His fist connected with the locker next to my head, the loud bang made me jump.

He didn't say a word the entire time, just continued walking and soon disappeared from my line of sight.

I was sure that Seb had attacked Jace and confronted him on our way to lunch.

“What did you _do_?” I hissed through gritted teeth.

“You have to be more specific, babe,” he smirked. “I do a lot of things. Come over tonight and I'll demonstrate for you.”

“Don´t be an ass,” I tried to suppress a disgusted shudder but didn't succeed. It was obvious from the heated look in his eyes that he mistook it for lust. “What did you do to Jace?”

He grabbed my shoulder and I bit my lip to keep from gasping from the pain. “I still have no clue what you're talking about, babe,” I searched his eyes to see if he was telling the truth or not, but his dark eyes betrayed nothing.

“Are you trying to tell me that you had nothing to do with the bruises on his face?” I asked skeptically.

“Hell yeah, I am,” Seb glared at me. “Don't you think I would admit it if I was? Fuck, I would brag about it to the whole school.”

I knew he had a point, but couldn´t let go of my suspicions. “If it wasn't you, then who?” I asked, but didn't expect an answer.

“No idea babe,” Seb looked around the crowd as we entered the cafeteria, like he hoped that the culprit would have a flashing arrow above his or her head. “But when I find out I'm buying him a drink at Pandemonium on Saturday.”

I wasn't going. Too many memories, too soon. “Yeah, have fun.”

I left his side and made my way towards our table, aiming for the empty seat between Kaelie and Emma. I needed some distance from Seb, being close to him for too long made my skin crawl and the throbbing in my shoulder was slowly becoming unbearable.

His hand on my wrist stopped me and a hard tug on my arm pulled me back to his side. “You're coming with me,” Seb demanded.

The only sign of my rebellion was the defiant sparkle in my eyes. “Fine,” I snapped and tore my arm from his grasp. “But you're paying for the drinks.” I started walking towards the table again, and this time he did nothing to stop me. As I pulled out the chair to take my seat I turned back to him and smiled overly sweet. “And Seb,” he raised an eyebrow, “I'm going to need tequila.”

 

 

xxx

 

The week passed quickly and Saturday was here before I knew it.

I was standing in the middle of my room, clothes were scattered everywhere.

“Ugh,” I groaned as I pulled another shirt over my head. It was probably the thirties outfit I tried on and discarded. “What is wrong with me?” Not even in the _bad old days_ did I have such a problem with choosing something to wear. I wanted to call Izzy for advice, but didn't want to put her in that awkward position. I had high hopes that Maggie were still speaking to me, since we´d been friends first.

God _, you sound like a three year old, arguing over a toy. Just_ call _him already!_

He picked up after the first ring. “Elmo,” he squealed. “I´ve missed you.”

The sound of his voice made tears pool in my eyes. “Hi, Maggie,” I sniffed. “I´ve missed you, too.”

“Aww, don't cry,” he cooed. “You'll ruin your make-up.”

“I´m not wearing any make-up yet,” I snorted. “I can't even decide on clothes.”

“Then you came to the right guy,” he sounded delighted. “What are you going for?”

How about I-know-I-broke-your-heart-but-I-still-love-you-please-take-me-back?” I laughed humorlessly. “Or if-you-don´t-stop-bruising-my-shoulder-I-will-kick-you-in-the-balls-so-hard-that-you'll-have-to-pee-sitting-down-for-a-month?”

“Huh?”

I continued as if I hadn't heard him. “Or maybe my-emotionless-parents-demand-that-I-get-a-boyfriend-and-I-lost-Jace-so-I'm-stuck-with-Seb?”

“Okay, _breathe_ ,” Maggie said and chuckled lightly. “What was that about bruises? And your parents?”

I sighed. “It´s kinda a long story.”

“Dearest Elmo, I ain't got nothing but time,” Maggie drawled. “It´s almost three hours until Pandemonium opens and you _always_ arrive late.”

I told him everything – even the parts that Jace already mentioned – from how my life used to be, how the accident two years ago changed all that and my deal with Seb.

“Oh, Clary,” Maggie took a deep breath. “What are we going to do with you?”

“I know,” I sobbed. “I´m a horrible, horrible person.”

“That´s _not_ what I meant, Clary,” he protested. “You _know_ that.”

I smiled a little through my tears. “You called me Clary.”

“Yeah, _I know_ ,” he sounded appalled. “Apparently I do that sometimes, when I'm upset enough.”

“I kinda like it,” I giggled.

“Don't get too used to it, _Elmo_ ,” he laughed. “Want me to speak to Jace?”

“ _No!”_ I shouted, and then lowered my voice. “No, please Maggie, don´t tell him anything.”

“Okay, sweet Elmo. I won't talk to him,” Maggie tried to sooth me. “It´s probably for the best anyway. I´ll just end up punching him again and that shit _hurts_ ,” he laughed sheepishly. “I could ask Alec to…”

“Hold on,” I interrupted him. “Back up. It was _you_?”

“Well, in my defense he was being a dick. A _big_ one,” he snickered.

I huffed at his poor attempt to be crude. “You can't do that, Maggie. I don't want him to get hurt.”

“Whatever you say. Now, what are you going to wear?”

I sighed heavily. “I really don't know.”

“How about jeans and a halter? Casual, yet sexy.”

“Um…I don't want to leave my shoulders bare,” I said.

“Fucking Seb,” he spat. “We're going to talk more about this _later_ , but for now just go for comfort with a t-shirt and cargos.”

“Yeah, that could work,” it wasn't like I planned on dressing up for Seb, anyway.

“I have to go,” Maggie sounded apologetic. “I’m meeting Alec and I am already running late. But we will get together soon. How about skipping brunch tomorrow and we can hang out. We can start working on getting you and Goldilocks back together.”

“Okay,” I didn't want to hang up and be left with my own thoughts, but I said nothing. “Maybe I´ll see you tonight?”

“Sure, sure. Bye, Elmo.”

“Bye.”

 

 

 

xxx

 

 

 

I didn´t look for any of the _Iceyes_ as I entered Pandemonium. They would find me eventually, they always did.

I went straight to the bar and ordered a shot of tequila. I downed it without blinking and without bothering with the salt and lime routine. I glared at the gaping bartender and tapped the lip of my glass. “Hit me,” I said and he complied immediately. I gulped down the second one just as fast. “Again,” I muttered, “and keep ‘em comin’.”

“You starting a tab?” he asked as he poured me my fifth shot.

I shook my head. “Just put it on Seb’s tab,” I didn't doubt that he was well known. “He´s buying tonight.”

I thought I heard him mumbling ‘poor guy will be broke before the night is over’ but I wasn't sure. Nor was I sober enough to care.

“Clary!” I heard Maia squeal behind me.

_They've found me. Yay!_

Seb´s hard grip on my shoulder made me flinch involuntarily.

“Aww, babe,” he crooned. “Are you in pain? Want me to kiss it better?”

“No,” I shook my head with emphasis and the movement caused the room to spin. I jumped down from the barstool and wobbled slightly.

“I think you had too much to drink,” Seb frowned. “I'm cutting you off.”

“Whatever,” I slurred. “Just pay the nice bartender. I´m going to find a table.” I stumbled through the gyrating bodies, walked up to the only empty table and draped myself over one of the chairs. Seb was at my side a moment later. I felt the pain from his grip on my wrist even through my drunken haze and let out a small yelp.

“ _Never_ walk away from me again,” he sneered.

I shrugged indifferently; the alcohol was making me reckless. “What _ever_.”

His fingers dug into my skin. “You _will_ do as I say,” he growled in my ear.

I closed my eyes, to hide the fear that would be revealed in them. How has this gotten so out of hand? This wasn't how my life was supposed to be.

I thought about Jace and a lonely tear escaped and slid down my cheek.

“That´s right, babe,” Seb´s breath tickled the skin on my neck. “Cry. I _love_ it when bitches cry.”

I opened my mouth to give an angry retort, but was interrupted by the sound of someone tapping a microphone. My head snapped towards the stage and moaned sadly when I saw Jace, Alec, Izzy and Simon standing there.

Jace looked practically mouthwatering. He wore a pair of naturally ripped, low riding, light blue jeans and a white wife beater. He grabbed the mic grinned crookedly and said; “Life’s a bitch and so are you.”

 

 

 

_We started off incredible, connection undeniable_ __  
I swear, I thought you were the one forever (forever, forever, forever)  
But your love was like a loaded gun (loaded gun)  
You shot me down like everyone (like everyone)  
Cause everyone's replaceable  
When you're just so incapable  
Of getting past skin deep  
  
(Woah-oh-oh) Guess what? Another game over  
I got burned, but you're the real loser (hey!)  
I don't know why (hey!) I've wasted my time with you  
(Woah-oh-oh) You're bad news, a history repeater  
You can't trust a serial cheater  
You're good at hooking up, but you suck at love  
You suck at love (l-love, l-love, l-love)  
  
You played me like an amateur  
Then stabbed me like a murderer  
I'm left for dead, another one of your victims (victims, victims, victims)  
It's not like you're unpredictable  
But your act is so believable (believable)  
I know it's nothing personal  
It's just business as usual  
You're good at what you do  
  
  
(Woah-oh-oh) Guess what? Another game over  
I got burned, but you're the real loser (hey!)  
I don't know why (hey!) I've wasted my time with you  
(Woah-oh-oh) You're bad news, a history repeater  
You can't trust a serial cheater  
You're good at hooking up, but you suck at love  
You suck at love (l-love, l-love, l-love)  
  
Now I kinda feel bad for you  
You're never gonna know what it's like  
To have someone to turn to  
Another day, another bed  
It's just a game inside your head  
  
  
(Woah-oh-oh) Guess what? Another game over  
I got burned, but you're the real loser (hey!)  
I don't know why (hey!) I've wasted my time with you  
(Woah-oh-oh) You're bad news, a history repeater  
You can't trust a serial cheater  
You're good at hooking up, but you suck at love  
  
Guess what? Another game over  
I got burned, but you're the real loser (hey!)  
I don't know why (hey!) I've wasted my time with you   
(I wasted my time with you)   
(Woah-oh-oh) You're bad news, a history repeater  
You can't trust a serial cheater  
You're good at hooking up (you're good at hooking up)   
You messed this whole thing up (you messed this whole thing up)   
Yeah, you were such an awesome fuck  
But you suck at love, you suck at love (l-love, l-love)  


 

I was out of my seat and headed for the door before the last note was up. I wanted to know how he felt, and by god, now I did.

Tears slid down my cheeks, but I didn't wipe them off.

_Be careful what you wish for!_ **  
** I was so deep in my own sorrow that I didn't notice Seb following me until he grabbed my wrist again.

“What did I just say?” his voice shook with anger.

I tugged at my arm, trying to get him to release me, but he just switched his hold on me from one hand to the other and raised his right fist in the air. I realized that he was actually going to hit me. “What.Did.I.Just.Say?” he roared with punctuation between each word.

_Not even_ I _deserve_ that!

I twisted the arm he was holding, causing his shoulder to bend in an uncomfortable angle, the heel of my palm connected with his collarbone, not hard enough to break anything, but it made him lose his grip on me and I punched him hard in his stomach. He crumbled to the ground, panting. I knelt down until our eyes met. “I might be a horrific person that deserves the bruises you´ve already given me,” I hissed. “But no one, I mean _no one_ deserves to be beaten, for _any_ reason.”

Seb only groaned, he still hadn't recovered from getting the wind knocked out of him.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet. “Just leave me alone in the future and I´ll show you the same courtesy,” I sounded as tired as I felt.

He nodded but kept his mouth shut, which was for the best. I gave him a finger wave over my shoulder as I started to go home. I texted Kaelie that I felt sick and would see them in school on Monday. I knew I should cut them all out of my life, but I wasn't ready to give them up and be alone. Not yet.

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

_October_

Went quickly, time passed around me but I was barely aware

_~_

_November_

Flew past in a daze of unhappiness

_~_

It was weird how time seemed to move faster than usual when all you wanted was for it to stop completely. December was here before I knew it and winter break was right around the corner.

The winter dance was in two days and it was the only thing on every girl's mind. Dresses, dates, limos, dinners and so on. Who would be chosen for Queen was never up for debate. Even though Clary wasn't the only nominee, it was clear to everyone that she was going to win. There was really no contest.

The big question was who she would pick as her king. That was the big thing at the winter dance. The student body elected a queen about an hour after the dance started and then she had thirty minutes to choose a king among the boys.

The popular belief seemed to be that she would choose Seb, even though the had not been seen together since that night in September when I serenaded her at Pandemonium. My friends and siblings believed that she wouldn't pick anyone, that she would make a point by refusing a king.

I didn’t believe _anything_.

Alec had told me a little about what Clary shared with Magnus and although much seemed to be the truth I still couldn't allow myself to trust her again. She might not be together with Seb, but she was still a part of the _Iceyes_ and I couldn´t agree to sneak around anymore. Magnus and I had come to an uncomfortable understanding. We were polite to each other for Alec´s sake and we refrained from talking about the little redhead. But, I had to admit that I missed his easygoing nature. **So** much had changed these last few months and I just wanted it to be back to normal.

God, I still missed her. After all this time I could still remember every little thing about her.

Her wicked sense of humor, her enormous appetite, the sound of her laughter, the way it felt waking up next to her…

A knock on my bedroom door startled me from my disturbing thoughts.

“Who is it?” I asked, knowing very well that whoever was outside the door would hear me. The walls of our house were really thin; you could practically hear a needle drop through them. It was safe to say than either of my siblings let their boyfriends spend the night, something I´d been grateful for lately.

“It´s me,” Izzy called through the door.

“Whaddaya want, Iz,” I asked lazily. I didn't want any company. I just felt like wallowing in my own misery. Was that too much to ask?

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Izzy opened the door and looked so nervous that I almost laughed. She sat down at the foot of my bed and wrung her hands. That, for her, unusual behavior sparked my curiosity.

“What´s up?” I asked

“Um…” she hesitated. “Well… I was thinking…About Friday…”

“No”

“But…you haven't heard what I´m going to ask.”

“The answer is still ‘no’,” I chose my words carefully so there would be no room for misunderstanding.

“Jace,” she scowled. “Hear me out,” as an afterthought she added, “please,” and tried to use puppy eyes on me.

It didn't work of course, but I decided to let her say what she came for. “Fine, dearest sister, so what did you want to ask.”

“Come to the dance with us on Friday,” she pleaded.

“Oh,” I pretended to give it some thought. “No.”

“We could do a group thing. Like the good ol’ days. _Please_!”

“Let me think about it,” I rolled my eyes at her. “No!”

“Fuck you, Jace,” she glared at me. “You're ruining the fun for everybody else.”

“There´s the sister I love to hate,” I snickered.

“Can´t you just do this for us.”

I sighed. “I _can't_ Izzy,” I said honestly. “I can't be there and see her choose _him_ , not in front of the whole school.”

She gave me a look void of patience. We´d had this conversation countless times already. “She _won't_ choose Seb.”

“You don´t know that,” I scowled.

“ _Fine_ ,” she sneered, clearly fed up with me. “Be an ass as usual. Stay at home, waste your life away.”

She got up from my bed and headed towards the door.

“Iz?”

She stopped with her hand on the doorknob, but didn't turn around to face me. “I´m sorry that I'm acting like a little kid about this,” I said to her back. “Next time, okay? I promise.”

“Oh Jace,” she sounded sad. “This is our senior year. There won't be that many ‘next time’ left.”

 

 

xxx

 

 

I stayed clear of the house the night of the dance. I knew I was behaving like an idiot, but I didn't want to see my siblings getting ready for their dates.

Thankfully they´d rented a limo and left the car with me.

As I drove around aimlessly my eyes sneaking glances as the clock on the dashboard.

4 pm. Clary was probably in the shower by now, getting ready for the dance. Or did she take a bath instead?

I groaned at the images the thought created.

5 pm. She's probably sitting in front of her mirror, doing her hair and make-up.

I shook my head to clear my mind.

6 pm. She must be getting dressed now. In something that fits her perfectly. Just the right combination of classy and sexy, it´s a school dance after all.

7 pm. She´s entering the tackily decorated gym now. Every guy would look at her and wish that she would pick them.

I stopped the car at the side of the road, turned off the ignition and rested my head against the wheel. I tried to tell myself that it didn't matter. That we were over and that I had no right to her _at all_. But deep down I knew that my heart didn't agree.

8 pm. They're announcing her as the Queen now.

I opened the car door and got out. As I took in my surroundings I noticed that I had parked right next to the path that lead to the clearing.

I swallowed hard, shifted the weight from foot to foot. I hadn´t been here since the B2SB. Couldn´t take the onslaught of memories associated with it **.** That made me angry. A childish part of me felt like she had robbed me of this too. The clearing used to be _my_ place.

I squared my shoulders; there was no way in hell she was going to take this away from me too.

I held my breath as I stepped away from the path. It was just as bad as I thought it would be. It was here that we spoke for the first time, shared our first kiss and had our picnic. I squeezed my eyes shut, but could still see everything on the inside of my eyelids, as if I were watching a movie.

I had no idea how long I stood there, but suddenly a sound alerted me that I was no longer alone.

I spun around on my heels and came face to face with the last person I had expected to see here tonight.

She was a vision in green, with her red hair curly, just the way I liked it.

“What are you doing here? I asked hoarsely.

Clary's eyes never left my face. “I´m here to get my king,” she replied with a weak smile.

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

 

I was standing in front of my mirror, eyeing myself critically, making sure everything looked perfect. I had curled my hair, but let it fall down loosely down my back. My make-up was sparse, just some purple eye shadow, mascara and clear lip-gloss. I´d decided on a short, fitted, green dress, with a low cut v-neckline and ruched material around the waistline, detailed with decorative stones at the front.

I knew I looked good, but it felt unsatisfactory somehow. I thought about the text I received from Izzy yesterday.

 

 

**{I´m sorry. I tried. He won´t go. ~I}**

 

 

 

I had asked her to help me get Jace to the dance, but apparently she had failed. I would´ve asked him myself, but although he didn't seem as mad as before he still went out of his way to avoid me and those few, precious times our eyes met it was like he saw right through me.

I wanted to skip the dance tonight, but I couldn't think of something better to do. Staying at home with my parents was _not_ an option and going alone to Pandemonium was just begging for trouble.

So I got all dolled up for no good reason whatsoever. I would be crowned Queen and then I was supposed to pick my own king.

_Moronic rule!_

Like there even was anyone there that I would choose. I knew that the majority of the school took for granted that I would pick Seb, but that wouldn't even happen if hell suddenly suffered from an unusual cold snap.

 

 

Xxx

 

 

 

I entered the gym close to 7.30 pm. But this time I wasn't purposely late. I had lost track of time thinking about Jace…again.

No one was surprised a half hour later when the DJ announced that I was the winner. The look of expectation on everybody’s faces as I was informed that I had thirty minutes to find a king made me come to the realization that there's only _one_ king for me, and if I couldn't have him I didn't want _anybody_. I looked around until I met Izzy’s eyes. She smiled widely, nodded and mouthed _GO_!

I ran.

My sudden departure shocked everybody enough that no one tried to stop me.

“Please be there,” I chanted. “Please be there.”

I saw him the second I entered the clearing and I almost fell to my knees with relief.

Jace stood with his back to me and I took a moment to admire him, while I catch my breath. He was dressed in a black tight long sleeved shirt and low riding black jeans.

A low moan escaped my lips and he spun around to face me.

“What are you doing here?” he sounded hoarse and my heart bled for him.

“I´m here to get my king.”

He raised an eyebrow and looked around pointedly. “You realize that I'm the only one her, right?”

“Yes,” I whispered. “Please Jace. I´ll tell you everything you want to know. I'll answer any question you have. But _please_ , come with me to the dance,” I was begging but I didn´t care. He was worth it and if he could just give me a second chance I would spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy of him.

Jace took a small step towards me and I threw myself into his arms, praying that he wouldn't push me away. When I felt him wrap his strong arms around me my knees gave out and he had to strengthen his hold to keep me from falling.

“I love you,” I whispered against his chest.

He sighed deeply and hugged me closer. “I love you too, Clary.”

Clary. Not Lucy. Not yet. But it was enough, and I would take it.

“You're coming with me to the dance, right?” I had to ask again, just to be sure.

“I hate di break it to you,” his voice made his chest vibrate against my chest. “But there's not enough time,” he let go of me with one arm and dug in his pocket for his phone. “It´s already 8.20 pm. There's no way we´ll make it to school in ten minutes.”

“But we have to,” that was the whole idea. Showing everyone at the dance that I chose Jace. The ‘in your face’ to Seb and the rest of the _Iceyes_ was just icing on the cake. “There has to be _something_ we could do?” I mused.

Then it hit me. The thought scared me so much that my heart nearly stopped beating. But it was our only chance. “Your car!”

Jace pulled back from our embrace, but didn't let go of me. His beautiful golden eyes searched my face with worry. “Are you sure about this?”

I shook my head. “No, I´m not. But for you, “ I got momentarily lost in his eyes, “I would do _anything_.” I stepped away from him but took his hand in mine. “Hurry _up_!” I tugged at his arm urgently.

We ran to the car, I didn't give myself time to think, just held my breath as I took my seat on the passenger side. Jace sat behind the wheel and entwined our fingers together.

“Let´s do this,” my voice was shaking.

 

 

 

xxx

 

 

 

“Time´s up,” we heard as we stepped into the gym hand in hand. “Would the Queen please come to the stage and present her king.”

Jace followed willingly behind me as I steered us through the staring students.

I stepped up to the mic and looked down at the sea of shocked faces. “I choose Jace Herondale.”

I smiled at him and heard the cheers from our friends.

“Now it´s time for the royal dance,” the DJ announced.

We walked together down the steps and he wrapped his arms around me as we reached the dance floor. He put his cheek against mine and sang the words quietly in my ear. My eyes were filled with happy tears.

We continued dancing, even as the song ended, he lifted his head, met my gaze and smiled softly. “I love you, Lucy.” My heart soared as his lips pressed against mine.

 

 

 

**Thank you for reading**


	17. 16

**'Disclaimer:** (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, ”You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”

Chapter 16

 

 

“What the hell do you think you´re doing? Why are you with _him_?” Kaelie’s voice was filled with venom.

I was almost proud of her for having the guts to confront me.

Almost.

The other girls were standing in a half circle behind her, their eyes darkened with anger and…were that envy? Yes, it definitely was.

I chuckled. “Ah, Kaelie,” I shook my head with mock sadness. “I always knew that you weren't the brightest star in the sky, but even you can't be _that_ dumb.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” she frowned.

I took Jace’s hand in mine and placing it on my hip, letting that be answer enough.

“You have to choose,”  she glare at me. “Him or us?”

“Oh, _honey_ ,” I cooed. “I could _never_ do that.”

Relief flashed in her eyes. “Yeah, I know,” she giggled. “What were you _thinking_?”

Jace’s arm tightened around me and I stroked him reassuringly on his back. “That´s not what I meant.”

Maia stepped up from behind Kaelie, her eyes traveling between me and Jace. “He's your secret boyfriend, isn't he?”

_Ding, ding, ding! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner._

“Look,” I gave them a smile that I hoped was regretful. “It´s been fun, but now it´s over.”

“Are you breaking up with us?!?” Kaelie’s indignant shriek caught the attention of the other students that surrounded us.

I saw Izzy walking towards us in the corner of my eye. She looked fierce, ready to back me up if needed.

I felt like I should apologize. After all I had used them and lied to them for months. But I wasn't sorry and I didn't want to pretend to be. I was done pretending. For good.

“Get over yourself,” I sounded as annoyed as I felt. “You guys used me as much as I used you, even though it wasn't in the same way.” I was hit by the truth in my words as I said them out loud. “You needed someone to lead you, and I was nothing more than a dog herding sheep.”

Everybody ignored Izzy’s snicker at that comment.

“How _dare_ you?” Kaelie hissed.

“Oh, come _ooon_ , you know that it´s true. You couldn't do _anything_ without asking my permission,” I shook my head with disgust.  “It was the same during Aline’s leadership. You drank those disgusting coffee drinks even though most of you hated them, all because it was what _she_ wanted. God, she didn't even let you order real food at the Java´s.”

Jamie nodded her agreement, but kept quiet.

Kaelie could no longer argue with what I said, but refused to let it go. “But you _stole_ Jace from me,” she whined.

“And Aline, and Maia, and Emma, and Jam…” the girl in question moved her head from side to side. “Okay, so maybe not Jamie. But the thing is,” I continued, “he never was _yours_. You were too scared for your reputation to be _proud_ to be seen with him **.”** I closed my eyes as the shame I felt flooded me, but opened them again a moment later. “I was too at first, but that is all going to change now.”

I turned my head and looked at the boy beside me, surprised that he hadn't said a word.

Jace only grinned and gave me a peck on my cheek.

Maia took a step forward, with her hands on her hips and glared at us. “You can´t be our friend if you're going to be with him.”

“Was I ever your friend?” I asked. “I don't think I was. I never told you anything about myself, and I lied to you for months. Doesn't sound like much of a _friend_ now, does it?”

I looked at the _Iceyes_ one by one, even those I couldn't remember the names of to save my life. “Some of you probably could´ve been, under different circumstances.”

I sighed. I didn't want to be a bitch to them. I just wanted to leave, to be alone with Jace. We had a lot to talk about.

As if she read my mind Kaelie gave me a look that was supposed to be threatening. “Walk out that door with him and we will _ruin_ you.”

I started laughing. Hard. “Bitch _please_ , like you could do that. You know _nothing_ about me. As for me on the other hand…” I let the sentence hang in the air between us.

_Let her try to figure that one out all by herself_.

Jamie and Emma smiled weakly at me and grabbed an arm of one of their friends and dragged them away from us.

I let out a loud breath, glanced at the remaining Iceyes, turned my back to them and wrapped my arms around Jace’s waist. “Phew. Now that wasn't so bad, was it?”

“I, personally, think you were far too kind,” Izzy declared with a pout. But that´s just _my_ opinion, I guess.”

“Yeah,” I sighed again. “I don't know… I sorta feel sorry for them. I mean…they got no mind of their own. I don't think they even know who they are. What _they_ like and dislikes becomes less important as they turn into mirror images of someone else.”

Maggie came up to us and ruffled my hair. “You know they won't change, right? They're going to keep being the sheep that they've always been. All they need is a new _dog_.”

“Yeah,” Izzy snickered. “I can´t wait to see who it´ll be.” She tapped her chin and looked thoughtful. “Hey, maybe Aline will come back. Wouldn't that be _fuuuun_?”

“The funnest,” I agreed and giggled.

“Are you leaving?” Maggie asked unnecessary since we clearly had been headed towards the doors when Kaelie stepped in our path.

I nodded. “We still have a lot to talk about and I've already done what I came here to do,” I cupped my hands around Jace's face and gave him a deep kiss, “which was to show everybody that Jace is _mine_.”

He chuckled and kissed me on my nose. “Hell yeah, I am.”

“I guess we'll stay here,” Izzy said. “We have to wait for the limo. Have fun you two, and don't do anything that I wouldn´t do.”

Jace laughed and the happy sound made me tingle all over **.** “That won´t be a problem Iz, since you've already done _everything_.”

Izzy growled playfully and smacked him over the head. “You´re not coming home tonight, are you?”

He glanced at me and raised a questioning eyebrow.

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” I grinned. “Bye guys.”

We only had eyes for each other as we walked out of the building and didn't notice Seb until we almost bumped into him.

His eyes were fixated on Jace’s hand on my hip, his nostrils flared with rage. “ _No!”_ he hollered. “No, there´s no way you get to have your happy ending.”

I had known that this confrontation was inevitable but had hoped to postpone it to another day.

“Don't be such a sore loser,” Jace goaded him. “I´ve seen you trying to get with my sloppy seconds for months now, just give up already. Ain´t gonna happen.” His fingers traced soothing circles on my hip, to show me that he didn't mean anything by it. I rested my head against his chest, letting him know that I understood.

Seb growled deep in his throat, raised his fist and threw a punch at Jace. He looked to have been aiming at his nose, but Jace dodged the blow, making it graze his cheek instead. His head snapped back from the impact anyway. He rubbed the area and spat out a little blood, from biting the inside of his cheek.

I took my stance, ready to let Seb have it for hurting my boyfriend, but Jace’s warm hand on my shoulder stopped me.

“I know you can take him, Lucy,” he said quietly. But let me do the honor this time, _please_.”

Every instinct I had screamed for me to protect him, but I forced myself to relax. Jace didn't need my protection, he could take care of himself. I stepped aside to give him room, so that he wouldn't have to worry about hitting me. “He´s _all_ yours.”

Jace feigned to the right then connected his left fist with Seb’s face. He dropped to the ground with a loud wail, clutching his bloody nose.

“What´s going on here?” Toby asked as he stepped out from the shadows while eyeing Seb and Jace.

“What're you doing here?” I asked angrily. “Did you come to help out your friend?”

Toby merely chuckled. “Nah. I wanted to see Seb get his ass handed to him,” he looked down on the bleeding boy with resentment, “but I guess I was too late.” He shrugged, “Bummer.”

Seb mumbled something unintelligible.

“You finally grew some balls, huh?” Jace snickered.

Another shrug. “I´m moving. Dad got a new job offer in New York. We're leaving the first day of the new year.”

“Well, I would like to say that I'm gonna miss you…” I smiled.

“Yeah,” he laughed. “I´m gonna miss _you_ though. You kept it interesting.”

Jace closed his arms around my waist and pulled me back towards his firm chest.

The possessive gesture only caused Toby to laugh harder. “Staking your claim, huh? I don't blame you. She's something else, that one.”

I shook my head at in. “Bye Toby. Have a nice life.” I turned around in Jace’s embrace and wrapped my arms around his neck. “Come on, let’s get in the car and go home.”

Toby´s eyebrows shot up under his hair. “You got her inside of a _car_?” He eyed Jace, clearly impressed. “Then you must be something else, too.”

I smiled softly. “That he is. _That. He. Is_.”

                                                                                 

                                                                                  xxx

 

 

I flicked the light switch as Jace closed the basement door behind us.

I stood on my tiptoes and wrapped my arms around his neck. “Promise me you´ll listen to everything I have to tell you. If you want to leave afterwards, I won´t do anything to stop you.”

Jace pressed his lips softly against mine. “I´ll stay as you want me to.”

I made a face. “You might feel differently when you hear what I'm about to say.”

“As long as you're completely honest and don't leave anything out, I think it´ll be fine.”

I took a quick trip upstairs to change out of my dress and get Jace an icepack for his hand. Then proceeded with doing what he asked. I started telling him every sordid detail that had brought us here. Even the parts he already knew a little about and even though it hurt to rehash some things I didn't leave anything out this time.

I told him about how I used to be in the past. How I toyed with all the boys, used my so called friends and bullied everybody else. I went through the days leading up to the accident, and didn't hold back when I explained who I became and what I did to myself because of it. My parent’s ultimatum to get it together if I wanted them to pay for college. How I felt when we first met, how I had tried to fight the feelings at first, but that I was glad that I couldn´t. Then I related Seb’s fleeting similarity to Jon. About the texts and disturbing phone calls. My parents demanding that I get a boyfriend and why I didn't want him to meet them. I talked about the kiss, what happened afterwards and my deal with Seb. Jace growled when I came to the bruises on my shoulder and chuckled when I admitted to kicking Seb’s ass outside of Pandemonium. I finished my speech by letting him know how lonely theses last months had been, how much I missed him and that I never stopped loving him.

Jace pulled me onto his lap where we sat on the mattress and rested his chin on top of my head. “I´m sorry, Lucy. I should've listened to you. Magnus said that something was up with you, but I didn't believe him, or anyone else for that matter.”

I pressed my lips against the hollow of his throat. “It´s not your fault. If I had been honest about everything from the beginning, none of this would´ve happened.”

“You might be right. But the truth is that I was more furious of the fact that it was Seb you kissed. If it had been anyone else it´s a big chance that I´d heard you out,” he said, hugging me closer. “But we're together now. That´s all that's important.”

I sighed happily. “Will you stay the night?”

His smile made butterflies flutter in my stomach. “”There's nowhere else I´d rather be.”

I gave his a quick kiss, savoring the fact that I was allowed to do that again, before heading upstairs to fetch pillows and blankets.

Dressed in a cami and a pair of boy shorts I returned to the basement, relieved that I hadn't run in to my parents. I didn't want to have to deal with them until tomorrow, after what would definitely be the first good night’s sleep in months.

We snuggled under the blankets, just happy being close to each other.

“Good night, Jace.”

“Good night, Lucy.”

 

 

xxx

 

 

 

I awoke the next morning to a weird mix of happiness and dread.

The source of my happiness was lying beside me, his left hand splayed across my stomach and the dread came from having to go up against my parents.

“Are you awake, Lucy,” Jace whispered sleepily in my ear.

“Mmm,” I hummed and turned my head to get a good look at him. “Sleep well?”

He stretched his beautifully toned body and nodded vigorously. “Like the dead.”

I smiled despite my unease. “Me too.”

“What are we doing today?” he asked after thoroughly kissing me good morning.

“Well, I´m going to do something I never thought I'd do.”

“Oh? And what´s that?”

“Tell my parents the truth.”

 

 

xxx

 

 

 

After washing up in the laundry room I walked upstairs with a tight hold on Jace’s hand with the same enthusiasm as someone walking towards their own execution.  Before I opened the door that lead to the hallway outside of the kitchen I turned to him. “Remember what I told you last night, my parents aren't…warm people. Don't let anything they say get to you, okay.”

“Don´t worry, Lucy. I´m sure it´ll be fine.”

I huffed “Do I really have to explain the definition of _fine_ to someone as smart as _you_?”

His quiet laughter followed behind me as I almost crawled my way to the kitchen, to drag it out as much as possible before the long overdue conversation that was about to take place.

I stood in the doorway and took in the familiar scene at the table. My parents ate their grapefruit halves in silence with a cup of steaming coffee in front of them.

“Is there any coffee left?” I asked, hoping I sounded calmer that I felt.

Jace brought out the necessary ingredients for sandwiches while I poured what was left in the pot into two cups, showing the older couple that he had been too our house before today. We sat down and ate our cheese sandwiches in equal silence. I could feel their stares burning holes into my forehead, but didn't look up until I swallowed the last bite.

Mother’s eyes darted between me and Jace. “Clarissa? Is there something you would like to share with us?”

_You can do this._

I glanced at Jace and he gave my hand an encouraging squeeze.

“This is Jace, my boyfriend.”

“What happened to Sebastian?” Father’s eyes were filled with confusion and annoyance.

“He was never my boyfriend,” I admitted, which earned me two pairs of raised eyebrows.

“I beg your pardon?” Mother sputtered.

My shoulders slumped slightly and I steeled myself against the explosion that was sure to follow my next words.

“Look, I…” I forced myself to speak despite of the lump in my throat. “I know what you want from me and I get it, I do. But I can't be that girl anymore. I tried **,** but it's killing me on the inside **,”** I blinked against the tears that started to pool in my eyes and kept my eyes on the table. “I´ll get a job to pay for college, just please don't make me do this.” My voice faltered and I couldn´t continue. **I** felt Jace’s arm around my shoulders and I hid my face against the crook of his neck.

I didn't see the pained look in my parents eyes or the trembling hand that reached out for me.

“Clarissa…” Mother hesitated. “We thought that it would make you happy again.”

My head snapped up and I stared at them, shocked. “ _What_?”

“You were always so happy before…” Father couldn´t finish the sentence.

“You were always smiling, laughing and surrounded by friends,” Mother clarified.

I shook my head with disbelief.

“After Jonathan…” a single tear slid down Mother’s powdered cheek. “You were no longer the same bubbly girl. We made many mistakes when you and your brother were growing up. We were always busy with your father's work, that we never had the time for our children. But both of you seemed to be doing fine on your own. Jo…Jonathan was always such a bright boy and you filled your free time with trips to the mall, parties, dates…”

“Mother, the only reason I seemed happy was that I didn't know any better,” I interrupted her. “I was a complete airhead. I only got by in school because I flirted with the smart boys to get them to do my homework. What I did to people…” I shuddered. “Trust me when I say that I wasn't anywhere _near_ happy. I had no idea what happiness _was_. Do you know what your little deal caused?” I went on, determined to get it off my chest. “I hurt Jace, a boy that means everything to me. I hung out with a group of kids that treated him and the people close to him like dirt, just because he's a foster child and I asked him to hide our relationship in public, so that my _friends_ wouldn't find out about us. They were, after all, the popular kids that you two had decided that I needed in my life.”

I looked them straight in the eyes and was surprised by what I saw. Father seemed to have aged ten years since we entered the kitchen and Mother’s perfectly applied makeup was ruined by her crying.

“Clarissa…We didn't know…” Father sounded like he choked on his words.

“ _Of course_ you didn't,” my laughter was a little bitter. “You never tried to get to know me. Not _once_. But I can't put the whole blame on you. I should've said something, especially after I met Jace,” my green eyes locked with his golden **.** “I acted horribly with him, but he still loves me. I've broken down in front of him, but that didn't scare him off. He just held me in his arms and took care of me. My own stupidity caused me to lose him, but yesterday at the dance; when I was asked to choose my king he was the only one that mattered. I ran to find him, and by some small miracle he agreed to come with me. To reach the school in time we took his car…”

“He _drove_ you there?” Mother stared at Jace with something that resembled awe. “You got our daughter inside a car?” more tears spilled from her eyes.

There was so much more I should tell them, but I decided against it. I had never seen them this broken before. Not even at Jon’s funeral. “But I had to explain one last thing. “When Jon…died I blamed myself and wanted to die too. I took your perfect son away from you and I didn't think I could live with myself,” Father opened his mouth to say something, but I raised my hand to stop him. “The old Clary died the day he did. I can't be that same vapid girl again, even if I wanted to. I don't care about having the newest, most expensive clothes, shoes, bags or other things anymore. I just want you to be proud of me _soooo bad,_ but I can't do what you ask of me. I´m sorry,” I bowed my head in defeat.

“Oh Clarissa,” Mother sobbed. “We are the ones who are sorry.”

“Clarissa…” Father hesitated. “We have never been good at expressing our feelings towards our children and for that we can never apologize enough. But when your brother d…died…We were so caught up in our own guilt that we could not help you cope with yours. That is why we gave you the ultimatum. We truly thought that you were happy before the accident and we hoped that a push in the right direction would make you feel that way again. We really had no idea, did we?” Father’s voice was dark with shame.

“How could you know?” I whispered. “I never told you anything.”

“You are our daughter,” Mother chided me softly. “We should know how you feel without you having to tell us.”

I met their eyes and felt their love for me for the first time of my life.

“We love you, Clarissa, and we are really proud of you,” Father said and took my hand that rested on top of the table between both of his. “But you have to let go of the guilt you feel over Jonathan’s death. If you need to blame someone, then blame us. If we had been better parents, the accident might have been prevented.”

I didn't know what to say so I just nodded.

“We are going to be better parents from now on,” Mother smiled softly through her tears. “Starting with getting to know your boyfriend,” they turned their gazes to Jace and he met their stares head on without blinking.

Father was the first to speak directly to him. “Jace, we would like to thank you for taking such good care of our daughter, when we did not.”

Jace gave me a sideways glance and smiled softly. “Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Morgenstern, but I think of it more like we took care of each other.”

“Please, call us Jocelyn and Val,” Mother insisted.

“Of course,” Jace nodded.

I started to relax; this had gone better that I hoped.

“We are going to set some ground rules,” Mother winked at Father.

_Rules? Oh-uh!_

I peered at them through my lashes, suddenly worried.

“First of all; one of us will be home at all times, we have left you alone too much in the past, but that is going to change. When your father has to travel for work I will stay at home with you. We will also get more involved in your life; it is not too late to get to know you.”

_Oh-uh indeed!_

“Is that it?” I asked, hopeful.

“No, of course not,” Father said, somewhat impatiently. **“** We do not know how…serious your relationship has gotten yet, but from now on you will not spend the night with each other.”

_But…why?_

My parents stood up as one and beamed down at Jace and me. We followed their example **,** my own smile a little tense.

Mother walked around the table and wrapped her arms around me in the first hug I could remember since…ever.

Father came up to us, placed one arm around Mother and me and reached out the other towards Jace. “Welcome to the family.”

 

 

**Thank you for reading**


	18. Epilogue

~  
'Disclaimer: (for fanfiction) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Simple Plan – When I'm gone

Gandhi said: ”Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”

 

Epilogue

4 months, 2 weeks and six days later

 

I sat in the most uncomfortable plastic chair imaginable, my arm around Clary’s shoulders and listen as the Principal droned one and on and ooon. I shut out the annoying sound of his voice and let my eyes travel across the other graduates that sat in front of us. Being the smartest student in the entire school for ten years had the perks of deciding where to sit instead of being stuck on stage with the teachers, where they usually placed the valedictorians, so Clary, Izzy, Magnus, Alec, Simon and I occupied the whole back row on the left side of the aisle.   
I met Jamie’s eyes and nodded in greeting. She had left the Iceyes shortly after the winter dance. We weren't really close – we preferred to stay just the six of us – but we had hung out with her more than once. She was a nice girl, and I knew that Clary liked her, which was good enough for me. What I liked most about her was that she was the cause of Seb having to repeat his senior year. It turned out that Jamie had been doing all his homework, and when she refused to do that anymore he flunked out of all of his classes.   
“Will he ever stop talking?” Clary complained. “I wanna hear your speech. I can't believe you wouldn't let me read it.”  
“Patience, my dear Lucy. It´s a virtue, you know.”  
She huffed as I grinned at her. In a week it had been five months since the dance and we were stronger than ever. Her parent’s rules had put a damper on our time together at first, but we quickly learned how to best sneak away so that we could spend some time alone. We hadn't managed to spend a night together though, but in just a month that was going to change. Alec, Simon and I had gotten into the same school and Izzy, Magnus and Clary got into a college an hour away. Jocelyn and Val took pity on us after they noticed that we spent more time figuring out the best roads, trains, busses and so on to see each other as much as possible than what classes to choose and bought the six of us a four bedroom house somewhere in the middle.  
It was already furnished and was just waiting for us to move in. Alec and the others were all leaving tomorrow, but Clary and I wanted to spend a little more time with our parents. We would follow them in four weeks, with a little stop on the way.  
“…And now, for this year’s valedictorian Jonathan Christopher Herondale.”  
Clary’s full attention turned in my direction, eyes wide. She stared at me, then down on her bracelet covered wrist.  
I shrugged sheepishly. “Did I forget to tell you that? Oh, well.” I chuckled softly as I got up and strode towards the stage.   
I grabbed the mic and started with my well-rehearsed speech. “So, my fellow students, as we embark on this next chapter of our lives we will look back and say that these years were the best. We came in to this school as strangers and are leaving as friends…” I started laughing. “No, I can´t say this shit.” I walked down the stage, picked up the guitar I had placed there this morning and ran back again.

 

(We're doing it!)

I look around me  
But all I seem to see  
Is people going nowhere  
Expecting sympathy  
It's like we're going through the motions of a scripted destiny  
Tell me where's our inspiration  
If life won't wait  
I guess it's up to me

Woahh  
No we're not gonna waste another moment in this town  
Woahh  
We won't come back the world is calling out  
Woahh  
Leave the past in the past gonna find the future  
Misery loves company  
Well so long  
You'll miss me when I'm gone  
(Oh oh oh oh  
Oh oh oh oh  
Oh oh oh oh)  
You´re gonna miss me when I'm gone  
(Oh oh oh oh  
Oh oh oh oh  
Oh oh oh oh)

Procrastination  
Running circles in my head  
While you sit there contemplating  
You're wound up left for dead  
(You're left for dead)  
Life is what happens while you're busy making your excuses  
Another day, another casualty  
But that won't happen to me

Woahh  
No we're not gonna waste another moment in this town  
Woahh  
We won't come back the world is calling out  
Woahh  
Leave the past in the past gonna find the future  
Misery loves company  
Well so long  
You'll miss me when I'm gone  
Oh oh oh oh  
Oh oh oh oh  
Oh oh oh oh  
You´re gonna miss me when I'm gone  
Oh oh oh oh  
Oh oh oh oh  
Oh oh oh oh

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone  
You're gonna miss me when I'm goooone  
When I'm gone

Let's go...!  
Won't look back  
When I say goodbye  
I'm gonna leave this hole behind me  
Gonna take what's mine tonight  
Cause every wasted day becomes a wasted chance  
You're gonna wake up feeling sorry  
Cause life won't wait  
I guess it's up to you

Woah  
No we're not gonna waste another moment in this town  
Woah  
We won't come back the world is calling out  
Woah  
Leave the past in the past gonna find the future  
Misery loves company  
Well so long  
You'll miss me when I'm gone  
Oh oh oh oh  
Oh oh oh oh  
Oh oh oh oh  
You´re gonna miss me when I'm gone  
Oh oh oh oh  
Oh oh oh oh  
Oh oh oh oh

 

I grinned widely at the audience, took an ironic bow and jumped to the ground. Clary met me half-way down the rows of chairs. A proud smile fighting to break through her frown over my omission. I pulled her close and crushed my lips to hers in a searing kiss.  
“I love you, Clarissa Morgenstern.”  
“And I love you, Jonathan Christopher Herondale.”

 

xxx

 

3 weeks and five days later

 

We walked hand in hand through the cemetery gates. Clary’s finger trembled and I squeezed them tenderly, hoping to send some confidence her way.  
“You okay there, Lucy?” I whispered, not wanting to disturb the peace that seemed to surround the place.   
“Yeah,” she mumbled as she led me towards the bench in front of her brother’s grave. “Hi Jon,” her smile was weak, but it was there. “It´s been almost a year, but I came back. Just as I said I would.”  
I placed my arm around Clary’s waist and she rested her head against my shoulder.  
“This is Jace,” she introduced me.  
“Hey,” I said, feeling a little awkward  
“He makes me happy, even those days that I feel like staying in bed and never get up again. Thanks to him I don´t blame myself for the accident anymore… Our parents still feel responsible for what happened that day, but I'm working on that. We're closer than I ever thought we could be and that too, at least partly, is because of Jace.”  
Tears were slowly trickling down her cheeks and I kissed them away, one by one.  
“I'm starting college this year, can you believe it,” she laughed throatily. “I sure as hell can´t. Mother and Father bought the house we're going to live in as a graduation present. I think it's because they feel guilty for neglecting us all those years, but I'm not complaining.”  
She looked down at her bare wrist, and stroked her fingers over the tattoo.  
Clary raised her head back up and stared at the head stone in front of us. “I miss you Jon, and I will always love you.”  
Her legs were a little shaky as she got to her feet. “I think I'm ready to go to our new home now.”  
I placed a soft kiss on her temple and hugged her tightly. “Just give me a minute, okay. I wanna talk to your brother.”  
She looked a little surprised but nodded and started walking towards the gates.  
I waited until Clary was out of earshot before I strode up to the grave and knelt down in front of it. “I just wanted to thank you for saving Clary’s life so that I could meet and fall in love with her. I promise to spend the rest of my days making her as happy as she makes me.”  
I got to my feet, brushed the grass from my knees and turned to walk to my future.

 

THE END

 

Thank you for reading


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